So as I have said before I am not perfect.
As a matter of fact I am far from perfect. Yet I love who I am. It took me many years to feel that way. Actually it took me many years to figure out who I was.
When I was a small child I knew who I was and I was proud. Not one person was going to change me and nothing would hold me back from flying as high as I wanted. Then one day I had to start school. That is when my vision of the world started to grow cracks in it. The first time was my first Kindergarten program. I was so excited. My parents had always been then. My Dad tried to catch a bat for me one morning before he left for work and before I went to school. I wanted him to catch it and he thought it would be great for Show and Tell. Granted he didn't catch it, but I remember my Dad and my Mom taking so much time to help me find the perfect items for Show and Tell. I remember my Dad helping me pick out rocks and shells. My Mom was going to bring my cat to the pet Show and Tell,but when he wouldn't walk across the street on a leash she brought the newborn baby kittens we had at home. So the day that we had our first program and they promised to be there I was so brokenhearted to look out and know I was the only one who's parents didn't show. We lived right across the street from the school. Literally all that was in between was a tennis court and the street. I remember Mrs. Stopper asking if was alright and what was wrong. How do you at age 5 say "My parents didn't come and they promised they would." I did like I have always done. I said I was fine and nothing was wrong. It was the first sign of things to come in my little world.
About a year later not long after I started first grade we ended up having to move. What I remember even more though is the conversation that my parents had with us kids not long before when my Dad said he might have to leave us to make sure we could survive. After we made that first move my parents started changing. It was a slow process.
One other thing is when I was little I was a very emotional and compassionate person. I would literally cry at the idea of anyone being hurt in any way shape or form. I still am compassionate and I still am emotional. The difference is I learned how to control both things. I sometimes wish I still had more compassion than I do now, but I know if I had stayed as compassionate as I was when I was little it would have destroyed me. Unfortunately, in this world there is such a thing as being to compassionate. It wasn't completely clear for until I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees". That movie explains so much. If you haven't seen it you really should. It will make you cry, laugh, and learn so much about life and people. It is one of those deep, soulfully beautiful movies that taught me some things about myself and about life.
After spending so much time hurting due to all around me I started wanting to go the other direction. Around 11 or 12 years old I got to the point I had hurt so much that I just wanted to stop hurting. The problem is I didn't care how I stopped the pain. At about that time I found a book on mind over matter that my brother left behind when he went into the Navy. I read it and I learned about self hypnosis, subliminal messages that you can give to yourself while you start to fall asleep/while you are sleeping, and how to shut off the portion of your brain that can feel pain. Using some of the techniques mentioned in the book I taught myself to wake up every time my body wanted to flip. (I was told I was a violent sleeper that flailed around in my sleep). I also found out that if I kept the right mind set and I prepared myself mentally I could handle the pain people gave me. I started with the physical pain and eventually it lead to emotional pain. By the time I was 13 I realized I could walk through a hall full of people disappear and not see one person or hear them. Nothing they could say or do could phase me or hurt me. At some point though a light started shining through all the darkness that started to surround me. Granted that light started small, but thankfully it grew as time went by. By the time I was 14 I started slowly finding happiness. It took a lot of years to work through all that pain, the rage, and fear. Thankfully I had friends, family, and sometimes even strangers who gave me hope or encouragement when it was hard.
Now after so many years I am a woman who is mostly optimistic, the majority of the time happy, and more often than not strong. Through all the things that happened I have learned a lot and hopefully with all I have gained I can help others. Once a friend of mine asked people what is the definition of success. My answer is when you find who you are, you are happy with who you see in the mirror (not what you see, but the person under the skin), and if you unselfishly try to help those around you when they need it. If you can find encouraging words, words of comfort, actions that help, or a way to shine a light into the world to make it better along with loving the person you are then I think that is the ultimate form of success.
May you find your success and may you bring more light to a dark world each day of your life.
