So you know that feeling you get when you can't sleep. That feeling that just says there is a lot going on in your life and you have something you need an answer to RIGHT NOW!!!!!! Well that has been me tonight.
First it started with this idea I have wanted to do for a friend for their birthday, but I couldn't figure out how to do it and get it to them on time. Considering this friend likes to pop up in my life, flip my life upside down, and then disappear I wanted to make sure I got it to them. Well I was laying in bed when it hit me how I can get this project done and to them. I have a scanner and the internet allows me to e-mail stuff to them. So I started scanning all the memories I have of them to send to them. I thought in each e-mail that I send the pictures of the memories I can include parts of our story. I thought it was a cool idea. Originally I wanted to print it out and make a scrapbook to give to them. Yet my printer needs ink and I don't want to give up those memories forever. So that left me in a bind on how I was going to do it. Then I thought how about I just draw a picture and write a little thingy about it all. So I started out doing that. Of course while I was trying to go to sleep it hit me I can scan them and e-mail them to my friend. So I spent most of the night doing that.
Since it was already midnight by the time I finished that that left me only 3 hours left before I have to be up any way. Might as well text my friend and say Happy Birthday and let them know they have a present in their e-mail. Why not? So then I couldn't sleep any way due to I started thinking about all the other stuff going on in my life. Then that leads me to think about all the people I care about and the stuff going on in their life.
Well then I remember how when I was heading to work yesterday my vision in my left eye was all jacked up. I was seeing squiggly lines and had blurry vision for at least 30 to 45 minutes. For a while I was really scared and then it cleared up. Still not sure what that was about, but considering the problems I had about 5 years ago or so not sure I should let it go. You see about 5 years ago I was having severe migraines, vision problems, tingling in half my face down and down my right arm followed by numbness. Could have been just stress still not sure. My friend talked me into going to see the doctor. So I went. The Dr had an MRI and a CAT scan done. I guess there is a difference I don't know. Well she found odd bumps on the right side of my skull. She then sent me to a neurologist. Who had MRIs done both with contrasting and none contrasting. Once he looked at those he wanted me to go get a bone density test. Well if you haven't had one of those they shoot you up with pretty nuclear green liquid that after about an hour sticks to your bones. Well I spent one day doing the MRIs and another day doing the bone density test. When I went to the neurologist he said I have bone cysts on the right side of my head. He described them as fragments of bones surrounded by pockets of tissue. He said he didn't know if they were causing my problems, but he wanted me to see an oncologist. Well silly me I thought when a Dr suggests another Dr they would actually talk to each other about all that medical mumble jumble. (No I am not proficient in taking care of medical stuff. I try to avoid Drs and my parents only took me to Drs when they had no choice. Literally only when they felt there was no other choice). So I don't know what to expect when I walk into those places. I found out they don't talk. So I was waiting to her something for nothing. Well I just got fed up. That is what I do. I hate Drs and if I am given an excuse not to go I won't go. Well the next time I went to see my Dr she asked about it. She obviously was exasperated with me. She wanted to know why I didn't follow up with her about what the neurologist had said and why I didn't go see the oncologist if that is what he suggested. Then she told me that if I wasn't having any more problems not to worry about it. It kind of reminds me of how it all went down when a cyst was found on my right ovary and they didn't really talk to me about it they just wanted to observe it every month. So do you see a pattern? I go to the doctor, they find a cyst of some sort always on my right side, they aren't worried about it, but want me to spend all this time doing tests. Yet they don't think it is what is causing my problem, but they aren't telling me how they plan on fixing my problem nor what they want to do with the cysts they find. So if anyone knows a good doctor in Arizona hit me up. I mean a doctor who cares and is willing to explain what is going on to a confused, clueless patient. Either that I will just have to make my friend Mandi come to this side of town and go with me.
So I have all that going on in my head then add my family which is a big whatever. Their health problems. Their drama. Their everything. Typical family I know. Yet my family takes it all to a new meaning. Ask anyone who has met them. I love them dearly, but I have no clue how to communicate with them or even where to start. It seems if I apologize I have offended someone. If I ask what I did wrong I have offended someone. If I try to help one I have offended someone else. I honestly give up. I can't deal with it any more. I am going to do what I can to carry out my Grandma's wishes and after that I don't know. They can contact me if they want to be a part of my life. I have wasted to much time chasing after family and not gotten anything but heartache.
Then add friends into all this. I don't know. I have my good friends who don't get mad at me. Who love me no matter if I am crazy. They love me even when I call them at 2 am to say I am upset and worried about something and then there are the people where it is always on their terms. They only want me in their life when it is convenient for them. What is up with that? Why even track me down and contact me? Oh not to mention the people who think I should have my world revolve around them and I should be instantly attracted to them. Then if I am not all of a sudden they get all moody and act like I did something horrible to them. Yes, being a jerk to me and making snide comments to me due to me not responding the way you want is so going to make me want you now. I am sorry it doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. Now all I can think is you are controlling and a jerk. Yes, I have my issues to. Such as there is this guy who keeps popping into my life. Not sure why he does. He just does and I am stupid. I listen to him. Every time he says all the things I want to hear and then disappears. Well if he disappears this is the last time. I am not angry. I am not shedding any tears. I have said my piece and I am done. I have done all I can do and I am thankful for the closure and the wisdom he gave me in his time.
So this is my insomnia ramblings. Yes, insomnia sucks. Yet what other time do I have by myself to think about all this stuff. At work I am suppose to be concentrating on work. When I get home I have to do homework, figure out dinner, and deal with a brother. So late at night when I am suppose to be sleeping is when I start to think. Everything piles up at one time and it makes it so my brain won't shut off.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Trials, Tribulations, Letting Go, and Finding Yourself
I haven't been faithful on my writing and for that I am sorry. Once again though I find my head racing with ideas and thoughts though that I must share. So here it is.
Recently an old love of mine found me. After having a short visit with him I find myself thinking of all that lead us (mainly me) to where we are today. So here is my thoughts and memories. Please excuse any memories that may be jumbled or marred due to time.
This old love of mine was a sweet, kind, shy sort who built a rough, hard shell around a gentle soul to protect it from the world. He stumbled, partied, did all sorts of stupid things in the name of fun, survival, and who knows what. The point is for some reason he chose to chase the one girl in the group of rowdy, rough, misfits that didn't party, who got good grades, who wasn't having sex, who had plans to have a stable life, and who was just as screwed up as the rest of them. Why he wanted to date her knowing that she wasn't quite like the rest I still don't know, but that isn't the point of our story today. All of this is just to give you a foreground for the real story today. These two teenagers seemed forever pulled together despite her trying to pawn him off on friends, telling him he was to young for her. Despite her refusing to have sex with him. Despite the fact she didn't do drugs, she went to church twice a week, and saw school and life as a responsibility to take seriously. Why did she want to date him? Well she liked the fact he challenged her, he didn't pressure her, he would hold her when she cried without making her feel guilty, he could make her smile, no matter what he did she would melt and forgive him. She liked that she could have play fights without either getting butt hurt, he would wrestle with her without trying to hurt her, but yet wouldn't take it easy on her either. When they had a real fight he would listen, talk, and they would work on a compromise that they both could live with. You could say they balanced each other in the polarity opposition. Her being the light, him being the darkness needing the light.. Her being the calm, him being the storm. Together they just fit. Together they met in the middle to find common ground.
So you probably wonder why the two didn't get married and live happily ever after. Well it goes like this. He was young and had a lot of lessons to learn. He wanted to go out see what was out there and was always looking for more than he had there. Yet he always came back to her. She accepted that they were young and he needed to explore life to figure out what he needed. Well a time came when they both reached a crossroads at the same time. He was spiraling out of control. He started doing a lot of really dumb stuff like drugs and his time with her was becoming less and less. At some point some other issues came up that caused her to doubt her trust in him. Then add her issues of finding out that the people she thought she could trust had stabbed her in the back. Her life was spiraling out of control and every where she looked it seemed there was no life line. She tried to hold on to him as long as she could. She tried to find a way to pull them both out of their spirals. She tried to get him to help her pull them out. Despite how much they both loved each other they were being pulled apart by their choices and life. Eventually she realized it was either sink with him or let him go. So she let go and stated trying to find a path back up the mountain and out of the spiraling whirlpool she had fallen into.
Well as she traveled through her life she started out on her hands and knees slowly crawling each step of the way up that mountain. As time went on she found herself at times reaching plateaus that gave her hope. Then there were the times she would fall tumbling down the side of the mountain over rocks, trees, and various debris before finally grabbing a hold of a branch to pull herself back up again. Life seemed to be full of these climbs, plateaus, and falls for her. Eventually she found herself at a place where she could stand and look back at where she had been. While looking back she saw all the trials she went through to get there. All the hardships, the people, and all the bumps and cuts she got along the way. She realized that she wasn't quite at the top of the mountain, but she had made it a lot farther than she realized.
At this point let me rewind about two years before when the teenage love of her's mentioned above decided to enter stage left for a brief interlude in her life. You see about two years before this woman had reached the calm spot in her life she was going through a pretty rough patch of ground in her life. It kind of resembled a desert of hardships with a lot of drought of emotion, buzzards flying around her, and her kind of spiritually dying of thirst. In the middle of all this in walks this teenage love of hers. All of a sudden out of the blue he contacts her to tell her how he has been thinking about her. How he misses her and he knows she is the one he always loved. He starts making promises of how he is going to move closer to be with her. How things are going to be different this time. How sorry he was for all the stuff that happened. You know the usual stuff guys say to girls. Well this girl listened and believed him due to their teenage history mixed with all the feelings she was having along with all those old feelings for him getting drummed up. Now here is where it gets a little less fairy tale and a little more real life. He makes plans to see her several times. The first time he says he can't make it due to he ended up having to cover for someone. Then there was the time his car broke or he wrecked it (I just remember it had something to do with his car). Finally he is to pick her up at work. Nothing is going to stop him from showing up this time (or so he says). The day comes and it starts out alright. He swears he is still coming. The day goes on and no responses through text message. Alright he is probably busy whatever. Finally the time comes no messages, no responses, and no past love any where in sight. Her heart drops and shatters into pieces. She swears off love and wants nothing more to do with any of this crazy stuff. (Well at least as much as she can since her whole soul seems to be filled with love and seems to overpower her with loving feelings for everyone that even annoy her at times).
Now for a brief overview of the two years in between that time and the present. The girl starts re-evaluating herself. She starts putting her pieces back together and she for the most part takes a long needed break from any serious dating. She goes out on occasion or talks to a guy here and there, but nothing overpowering or to write sonnets about. Basically she is doing a lot of inner healing and soul searching while building her outer world to fit her dreams better. During this time though even though she finds inner peace and is happier than she has ever been she feels concerned from time to time that there isn't any real overpowering emotions felt toward any of the guys she meets. Granted she has accepted a man doesn't make or break her life, but there is still a hope inside her that she will find that love and joy she sees some of her friends found. Yet she also knows that isn't something that can come with just any person. That is something that only happens when you find the right person. So she continues working on herself and enjoying the peaceful point in her life with no real major ups or downs just nice level ground for the first time in her life.
Then one day she is at work just doing her work and decides to take a few minutes quickly for herself as a break. She looks up her facebook page on her phone and sees a friend request. Being the curious sort she looks to see who could be possibly trying to friend her. Much to her surprise there is her old teenage love's name. The one above who stood her up 3 times, left her many times to sow his wild oats, and went spiraling out of control to the point she had to let him go or sink. Her first instinct was to accept (yes, I know why? Don't ask me I didn't create me), her next instinct was to deny (that made a lot more sense than the first instinct), and after probably 30 seconds of debating it (plus reliving all the good and bad moments in her head) she accepted it. Her reasoning? To find out why he stood her up, why he thought she would even want anything to do with him after everything he put her through? And because for whatever reason she stilled loved him and something inside her wanted to know if there was any hope they could build a dream together. I know stupid, sappy, and ridiculous. I know. I never claimed that my heart or my soul made any sense. I also never claimed that my brain did or that I listened to it when it made sense if my heart/soul wanted different. After talking for probably about a week he actually showed up to see her.
Now for that story. (I know this is long. Bare with me we are almost up to the last part of the story so far). He finally shows up with his little sister driving him. As soon as she sees him she is filed with all sorts of emotions she forgot what felt like. There was nervousness, excitement, love, concern, confusion, and uncertainty. A part of her saw the teenage boy who convinced a headstrong, wild spirited, goody tissues, girl who was going places one way or another and nobody was stopping her girl to fall in love with him despite her efforts not to. There he was inside this rough, tattooed, ear gauged (not that big, but gauged), scarred, bald, scraggly man. Yes, he was scrawny and looked like he had lived a hard life, but some how in her eyes he was something else. To look at him she knew he wouldn't win any contests for the best looking, but there was something in his nervousness, the look in his eyes when he looked at her like he couldn't believe she was there; really there, and the cracking of his voice. Something in all that made her see that awkward, scrawny teenage boy who at first glance wasn't much, but at a closer look was the best, sweetest, and greatest boy she knew. Yes, life had been hard on him. Yet she could see something there that still pulled her in. After spending time with him she saw how different their worlds had always been and how even more different they became. She started wondering could it be possible that he would want to be a part of her world now.
Would it be possible to some how combine their worlds to make one that they could both live happily in together. A world made of balance between peace and excitement. A world between following rules and pushing them to the brink. A world where Yin and Yang could meet to find balance or was she just heading toward a just a memory that would fade in the end. Was that all they were was a memory of young childish hopes and dreams? Is there a chance that fate brought them together at a time when they would have faith that anything was possible only so when the time was right they would seek each other out again to be together forever? I don't know and I don't have the answers. Is it possible that he would want to settle down to a life of marriage, kids, being home, with only the occasional outing to party responsibly, and do crazy things? Can they meet in the middle enough to make this work? Is she really what he wants and is he really what she wants? I guess only talking and time will tell that part of the story.
Recently an old love of mine found me. After having a short visit with him I find myself thinking of all that lead us (mainly me) to where we are today. So here is my thoughts and memories. Please excuse any memories that may be jumbled or marred due to time.
This old love of mine was a sweet, kind, shy sort who built a rough, hard shell around a gentle soul to protect it from the world. He stumbled, partied, did all sorts of stupid things in the name of fun, survival, and who knows what. The point is for some reason he chose to chase the one girl in the group of rowdy, rough, misfits that didn't party, who got good grades, who wasn't having sex, who had plans to have a stable life, and who was just as screwed up as the rest of them. Why he wanted to date her knowing that she wasn't quite like the rest I still don't know, but that isn't the point of our story today. All of this is just to give you a foreground for the real story today. These two teenagers seemed forever pulled together despite her trying to pawn him off on friends, telling him he was to young for her. Despite her refusing to have sex with him. Despite the fact she didn't do drugs, she went to church twice a week, and saw school and life as a responsibility to take seriously. Why did she want to date him? Well she liked the fact he challenged her, he didn't pressure her, he would hold her when she cried without making her feel guilty, he could make her smile, no matter what he did she would melt and forgive him. She liked that she could have play fights without either getting butt hurt, he would wrestle with her without trying to hurt her, but yet wouldn't take it easy on her either. When they had a real fight he would listen, talk, and they would work on a compromise that they both could live with. You could say they balanced each other in the polarity opposition. Her being the light, him being the darkness needing the light.. Her being the calm, him being the storm. Together they just fit. Together they met in the middle to find common ground.
So you probably wonder why the two didn't get married and live happily ever after. Well it goes like this. He was young and had a lot of lessons to learn. He wanted to go out see what was out there and was always looking for more than he had there. Yet he always came back to her. She accepted that they were young and he needed to explore life to figure out what he needed. Well a time came when they both reached a crossroads at the same time. He was spiraling out of control. He started doing a lot of really dumb stuff like drugs and his time with her was becoming less and less. At some point some other issues came up that caused her to doubt her trust in him. Then add her issues of finding out that the people she thought she could trust had stabbed her in the back. Her life was spiraling out of control and every where she looked it seemed there was no life line. She tried to hold on to him as long as she could. She tried to find a way to pull them both out of their spirals. She tried to get him to help her pull them out. Despite how much they both loved each other they were being pulled apart by their choices and life. Eventually she realized it was either sink with him or let him go. So she let go and stated trying to find a path back up the mountain and out of the spiraling whirlpool she had fallen into.
Well as she traveled through her life she started out on her hands and knees slowly crawling each step of the way up that mountain. As time went on she found herself at times reaching plateaus that gave her hope. Then there were the times she would fall tumbling down the side of the mountain over rocks, trees, and various debris before finally grabbing a hold of a branch to pull herself back up again. Life seemed to be full of these climbs, plateaus, and falls for her. Eventually she found herself at a place where she could stand and look back at where she had been. While looking back she saw all the trials she went through to get there. All the hardships, the people, and all the bumps and cuts she got along the way. She realized that she wasn't quite at the top of the mountain, but she had made it a lot farther than she realized.
At this point let me rewind about two years before when the teenage love of her's mentioned above decided to enter stage left for a brief interlude in her life. You see about two years before this woman had reached the calm spot in her life she was going through a pretty rough patch of ground in her life. It kind of resembled a desert of hardships with a lot of drought of emotion, buzzards flying around her, and her kind of spiritually dying of thirst. In the middle of all this in walks this teenage love of hers. All of a sudden out of the blue he contacts her to tell her how he has been thinking about her. How he misses her and he knows she is the one he always loved. He starts making promises of how he is going to move closer to be with her. How things are going to be different this time. How sorry he was for all the stuff that happened. You know the usual stuff guys say to girls. Well this girl listened and believed him due to their teenage history mixed with all the feelings she was having along with all those old feelings for him getting drummed up. Now here is where it gets a little less fairy tale and a little more real life. He makes plans to see her several times. The first time he says he can't make it due to he ended up having to cover for someone. Then there was the time his car broke or he wrecked it (I just remember it had something to do with his car). Finally he is to pick her up at work. Nothing is going to stop him from showing up this time (or so he says). The day comes and it starts out alright. He swears he is still coming. The day goes on and no responses through text message. Alright he is probably busy whatever. Finally the time comes no messages, no responses, and no past love any where in sight. Her heart drops and shatters into pieces. She swears off love and wants nothing more to do with any of this crazy stuff. (Well at least as much as she can since her whole soul seems to be filled with love and seems to overpower her with loving feelings for everyone that even annoy her at times).
Now for a brief overview of the two years in between that time and the present. The girl starts re-evaluating herself. She starts putting her pieces back together and she for the most part takes a long needed break from any serious dating. She goes out on occasion or talks to a guy here and there, but nothing overpowering or to write sonnets about. Basically she is doing a lot of inner healing and soul searching while building her outer world to fit her dreams better. During this time though even though she finds inner peace and is happier than she has ever been she feels concerned from time to time that there isn't any real overpowering emotions felt toward any of the guys she meets. Granted she has accepted a man doesn't make or break her life, but there is still a hope inside her that she will find that love and joy she sees some of her friends found. Yet she also knows that isn't something that can come with just any person. That is something that only happens when you find the right person. So she continues working on herself and enjoying the peaceful point in her life with no real major ups or downs just nice level ground for the first time in her life.
Then one day she is at work just doing her work and decides to take a few minutes quickly for herself as a break. She looks up her facebook page on her phone and sees a friend request. Being the curious sort she looks to see who could be possibly trying to friend her. Much to her surprise there is her old teenage love's name. The one above who stood her up 3 times, left her many times to sow his wild oats, and went spiraling out of control to the point she had to let him go or sink. Her first instinct was to accept (yes, I know why? Don't ask me I didn't create me), her next instinct was to deny (that made a lot more sense than the first instinct), and after probably 30 seconds of debating it (plus reliving all the good and bad moments in her head) she accepted it. Her reasoning? To find out why he stood her up, why he thought she would even want anything to do with him after everything he put her through? And because for whatever reason she stilled loved him and something inside her wanted to know if there was any hope they could build a dream together. I know stupid, sappy, and ridiculous. I know. I never claimed that my heart or my soul made any sense. I also never claimed that my brain did or that I listened to it when it made sense if my heart/soul wanted different. After talking for probably about a week he actually showed up to see her.
Now for that story. (I know this is long. Bare with me we are almost up to the last part of the story so far). He finally shows up with his little sister driving him. As soon as she sees him she is filed with all sorts of emotions she forgot what felt like. There was nervousness, excitement, love, concern, confusion, and uncertainty. A part of her saw the teenage boy who convinced a headstrong, wild spirited, goody tissues, girl who was going places one way or another and nobody was stopping her girl to fall in love with him despite her efforts not to. There he was inside this rough, tattooed, ear gauged (not that big, but gauged), scarred, bald, scraggly man. Yes, he was scrawny and looked like he had lived a hard life, but some how in her eyes he was something else. To look at him she knew he wouldn't win any contests for the best looking, but there was something in his nervousness, the look in his eyes when he looked at her like he couldn't believe she was there; really there, and the cracking of his voice. Something in all that made her see that awkward, scrawny teenage boy who at first glance wasn't much, but at a closer look was the best, sweetest, and greatest boy she knew. Yes, life had been hard on him. Yet she could see something there that still pulled her in. After spending time with him she saw how different their worlds had always been and how even more different they became. She started wondering could it be possible that he would want to be a part of her world now.
Would it be possible to some how combine their worlds to make one that they could both live happily in together. A world made of balance between peace and excitement. A world between following rules and pushing them to the brink. A world where Yin and Yang could meet to find balance or was she just heading toward a just a memory that would fade in the end. Was that all they were was a memory of young childish hopes and dreams? Is there a chance that fate brought them together at a time when they would have faith that anything was possible only so when the time was right they would seek each other out again to be together forever? I don't know and I don't have the answers. Is it possible that he would want to settle down to a life of marriage, kids, being home, with only the occasional outing to party responsibly, and do crazy things? Can they meet in the middle enough to make this work? Is she really what he wants and is he really what she wants? I guess only talking and time will tell that part of the story.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Random Acts of Kindness or Just Acts of Kindness
I keep hearing about random acts of kindness from people. Some people say that there is no such thing and other people say that there is. For a long time I would have told you that I was on the side of there is no such thing, but last week I had one of those days of revelation. Now I would say both arguments are correct. After I tell you what happened to make me come to this conclusion I will explain why I say both arguments are correct.
The first thing that happened was a simple thing. As with every day after work I was standing outside waiting for the bus. A man and his dog started walking toward the bus stop I was at and the dog stopped to smell my bag. Probably smelled the empty container I had carried my lunch in or who knows what. Well the guy told me the dog was friendly and doesn't bite so I reached to pet the dog. The guy told me thank you and I smiled at him. The dog wasn't letting me pet her and he told me her name was Copper. I tried to call her by her name, but it was obvious she wasn't interested in letting me pet her. They walked on. A little while later they came walking back. The man said "It's us again". I chuckled and smiled. I tried to pet Copper again and this time she let me pet her. I talked to the guy for a little bit and he said "Thank you" again and smiled. After they left and he seemed a little happier I realized why he kept saying thank you. He looked like he was probably a homeless man and probably was use to people looking past him or in discuss at him. Most people probably didn't stop to talk to him, smile at him, or pet his dog Copper. Which means just by noticing him as a person and not treating him differently I showed him kindness. It wasn't my plan or thought to do a kind act. I did what I did, because he was a human with a dog who wasn't out to harm anyone. Clothing or dirt doesn't change that fact.
After that I continued to wait for the bus. When the bus finally showed up the driver didn't pull up to the curb. Instead she motioned me to walk to the bus to get on. So I walked out to the bus that was waiting in the pack of vehicles to move. Once I got on the bus the bus driver thanked me and explained she didn't want to loose her spot with how the traffic was at the time. I told her I understood and didn't blame her. Then one of the guys piped up and said "This lady deserves a standing ovation for not making us have to wait. She probably saved us 15 minutes of waiting to get through the traffic." Again one simple act not meaning to do anything that was kind for anyone yet an act of kindness happened.
So back to what I was saying at the beginning about how both arguments about "Random Acts of Kindess" are right. You see the first group of people that say random acts of kindness are correct due to they say if you plan an act or think about an act in order to do something kind isn't a random act. That is true. If you plan or think about doing an act in order to do a kind act it no longer is a random act of kindness due to it isn't random. Yet the other argument is true as well due to the fact that random acts of kindness do happen just not by us thinking about them or planning them. Random acts of kindness happen when we do the right thing without thinking about it. This happens when we make a practice of doing the right thing. So in the end a person has to make kindness a habit not a thought or a planned action in order for it to become a random act. That doesn't mean we shouldn't plan or think about doing kind acts. It means we should start doing them so much that we just do the kind acts without thinking about them any more. Automatically without thinking about it give a seat to a person who needs it more. When seeing a person struggling automatically without thought help them. If more people start doing that than the world as a whole will become a better place.
Random acts of kindness are only random when done without thought. Otherwise they are just acts of kindness.
The first thing that happened was a simple thing. As with every day after work I was standing outside waiting for the bus. A man and his dog started walking toward the bus stop I was at and the dog stopped to smell my bag. Probably smelled the empty container I had carried my lunch in or who knows what. Well the guy told me the dog was friendly and doesn't bite so I reached to pet the dog. The guy told me thank you and I smiled at him. The dog wasn't letting me pet her and he told me her name was Copper. I tried to call her by her name, but it was obvious she wasn't interested in letting me pet her. They walked on. A little while later they came walking back. The man said "It's us again". I chuckled and smiled. I tried to pet Copper again and this time she let me pet her. I talked to the guy for a little bit and he said "Thank you" again and smiled. After they left and he seemed a little happier I realized why he kept saying thank you. He looked like he was probably a homeless man and probably was use to people looking past him or in discuss at him. Most people probably didn't stop to talk to him, smile at him, or pet his dog Copper. Which means just by noticing him as a person and not treating him differently I showed him kindness. It wasn't my plan or thought to do a kind act. I did what I did, because he was a human with a dog who wasn't out to harm anyone. Clothing or dirt doesn't change that fact.
After that I continued to wait for the bus. When the bus finally showed up the driver didn't pull up to the curb. Instead she motioned me to walk to the bus to get on. So I walked out to the bus that was waiting in the pack of vehicles to move. Once I got on the bus the bus driver thanked me and explained she didn't want to loose her spot with how the traffic was at the time. I told her I understood and didn't blame her. Then one of the guys piped up and said "This lady deserves a standing ovation for not making us have to wait. She probably saved us 15 minutes of waiting to get through the traffic." Again one simple act not meaning to do anything that was kind for anyone yet an act of kindness happened.
So back to what I was saying at the beginning about how both arguments about "Random Acts of Kindess" are right. You see the first group of people that say random acts of kindness are correct due to they say if you plan an act or think about an act in order to do something kind isn't a random act. That is true. If you plan or think about doing an act in order to do a kind act it no longer is a random act of kindness due to it isn't random. Yet the other argument is true as well due to the fact that random acts of kindness do happen just not by us thinking about them or planning them. Random acts of kindness happen when we do the right thing without thinking about it. This happens when we make a practice of doing the right thing. So in the end a person has to make kindness a habit not a thought or a planned action in order for it to become a random act. That doesn't mean we shouldn't plan or think about doing kind acts. It means we should start doing them so much that we just do the kind acts without thinking about them any more. Automatically without thinking about it give a seat to a person who needs it more. When seeing a person struggling automatically without thought help them. If more people start doing that than the world as a whole will become a better place.
Random acts of kindness are only random when done without thought. Otherwise they are just acts of kindness.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Pain. . . . . . . We All Feel It.
Lately due to the problems I have had from time to time I have been thinking about pain. We all have pain and pain can come in many different forms. Sometimes we can see the pain a person is feeling and sometimes the pain is harder to see. There are times that we understand a person's pain and other times that we don't have a clue.
Being a person who doesn't like to complain and doesn't like to burden other people there are many times I feel pain that nobody knows about. Those pains are both emotional and physical. Yet the few times I try to open up to other people about the pain I feel most of them shut me out. I see those same people comfort others in the times that they need it. There are times I see myself doing the same thing to other people. Which made me start to think. Why do we understand some people's pain, but other people we have a hard time understanding? Some people we rush to comfort and other people we hesitate in a confused state of what to do?
Then there are the times that someone is in physical pain. There are some people we seem to comfort and show compassion to about their pain. Yet there are other people we kind of blow off as if they are looking for attention or are hypochondriacs. Is it easier to accept that some people have health problems than others? It is my experience that when I am feeling sick or in pain a lot of people give me the feeling as if I am faking or trying to get out of something. Which is hard to deal with since I rarely complain about the pain I feel or the nausea I get on a regular basis. Then when people do listen they wonder why I have a hard time facing it and why I don't want to deal with Dr's who don't understand why I didn't rush in at the first sign of a problem. I was raised not to run to a Dr every time I feel pain or every time I get sick. I was raised to deal with pain and that being sick is a fact of life. So when I do decide to go to a Dr. it isn't over a small issue it is over something that has either become unbearable enough that I can barely do daily things or that has scared me enough that I am afraid of what may be causing the problem. You will never see me at a Dr's office for a runny nose, a sore throat, or the flu. I won't even see a Dr about those things when a boss tells me I need a Dr's note to call in for one day. Personally I don't see a problem with not rushing to a Dr about every little thing. I also don't see a problem with the people who worry all the time about their health. What is sad is I know people who rarely went to the Dr who lived long healthy lives and I had a Grandma who was a Nurse who was always vigilant about looking for cancer who died of cancer. I have known people who went to Dr's in excruciating pain to have a Dr tell them to take an aspirin only for the person to die a few weeks later from a tumor. Granted the Dr couldn't have saved at that point, but if they had done more at least her family would have known what was happening. At least the Dr could have helped her with pain management. Then there are the people I have met who Dr's went above and beyond to save a life. Is it the Dr that was the difference or the patient?
I guess what I am trying to make people think about is the next time someone is in pain maybe you should listen and try to comfort them. I am not saying that if they are continually causing themselves pain or continually looking for attention that you shouldn't say enough is enough. What I am saying is if someone who normally doesn't complain or normally doesn't ask for help give them that moment. They came to you for a reason. It really is a blessing when someone chooses you to be the person they turn to. Especially if the person who is turning to you is the type of person who doesn't confide in others. We all have pain. We all deal with pain. It isn't about how we deal with the pain, but how we help other's deal with their pain.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Best Things in Life are Free
So I was going to write about finding Happy Holidays by spending less instead of getting caught up in the hype. Then a wonderful friend reminded me of something more important. Well several friends really. Yes, sometimes it takes more than one friend hitting the same note several times to jog my memory of what is most in important.
The first thing that happened was that I woke up to a message from a friend who was feeling down about not having as much as her family. I am sure most of us at some point feel that pressure to have more and live a better life. So much so that we some times forget why we chose the path we chose. I know I do sometimes. I could have been married to a guy from a well to do family several times. I could have had nice things galore, gone to fancy restaurants, and traveling where ever I want to go. Yet all those things wouldn't bring real happiness. Just like my friend chose to go with less in her life so she could be there for her husband and her two wonderful little boys. She could have chosen to walk away from the man she loved to find someone who didn't have all his health problems. She could have chosen not to have two handsome boys. He life probably would be easier. She probably would have a beautiful house. Yet would she have the love and happiness she has now? Would a house instead of an RV filled with love really be better? Does new pretty things replace love? Most people can't have everything. If I had to choose I would choose love. Money doesn't buy real happiness. It only buys objects that eventually fade away. That kind of happiness is short lived.
Later on a friend of mine texted me about his story of when he decided to go back home. The decision was made at a bus stop when something I said kept going through his mind. He kept thinking about when I told him he should make a living with his art. He is a phenomenal artist and I know he could make a decent living with his art if he tried. Well he sold his bicycle on the spot, called his brother, and took a Greyhound home. He didn't even stop to pack his stuff before he left. He decided his love of painting was more important than his belongings. He left and hasn't regretted it since.
Then I got another message from the friend who was feeling down. In this new message she mentioned her Mother and how she always wanted to be like her. She realized she was more like her Mother than she realized. Her Mother wasn't about having nice things or a perfect life. Her Mother was about love and family. When I read that I remembered the person I wanted to be the most alike in this world. . . . . . My Grandma Jones. My Grandma was the happiest person I ever met. She didn't place her happiness in material things. Her happiness came from family, love, God, nature, and life.She was always happiest when talking about or to family, gardening, hiking, or doing for others. Including a family of bluebirds. Yes, that memory still makes me smile. Heehee. If she found a treasure in the garbage can of another she got excited. For her it wasn't about how she got what she had or how much it cost. It was about the usefulness of the item and not wasting. Granted my Grandpa made enough money that she didn't have to do that. My Grandma's favorite store was the Salvation Army. When I visited she always took me there to go shopping. I remember my first purse came from there. My Grandma decided I was old enough to own my first purse and she took me to the Salvation Army to find one. For her happiness was a simple thing. It wasn't complex or flashy.
All these things made me realize something I keep forgetting. A home isn't what you put inside it or what the outside looks like. It is built with the love that lives within. I knew that when I was young. That is why I never settled when it came to love and I won't now. I don't want a building empty and cold. I want a home filled with love, warmth, and alive with beautiful memories, sad times, happy times, hard times, and all those things that give you warmth when you feel alone. I think we all need a reminder sometimes. Especially in this crazy world we live in where people look at you weird if you don't meet their standards. It is easy to get caught up and swept away. So hopefully this helped ground you a little against the tide of insanity. Oh and Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy lots of turkey and yumminess.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Family Is.. . . . .
I know I haven't written in a long time. Well here it goes. I am going to try to do this agian.
So with the holidays approaching fast I have been thinking about family again. Alright I always think about family. It seems to be my main concentration always. Here it goes my current thoughts about family. I am pretty sure we can all relate.
While thinking about my family and the other families I know I have realized that all families have fights. Each family has a feud in it and all family members know how to reach those dark spots that we all wish would disappear. So why is it family fights with each other and why do we push those buttons that we know we can and probably shouldn't? I think it has a lot to do with love. I know it sounds crazy, but those who love the hardest and are to much a like seem to fight the most.
So with that said here are the main reasons I have found that most families fight about.
One of the main things I have noticed family has a tendency of starting fights due to caring to much. We all seem to think we know what is best for those we love. Which is funny since most of us don't know what is best for ourselves, but I guess it is easier to see the mistakes when you are the one on the outside looking in. Every person has to make their own choices and yes I do still think if you love someone you have to let them know when you think they are making a mistake. Maybe the key is as simple as not pushing to hard, but also accepting you can't make someone do what "you" think is right. Everyone must make their own mistakes. It isn't easy to watch the ones we love make mistakes. Especially when we have been through several of the mistakes we are seeing them go through. Why is it harder for us to let the ones we are closest to and love the most to listen to them or even to accept their choices? Maybe it is due to being to close to each other.
There is another thing I have noticed that families fight about. How our family choose to live their lives. Almost every person I know has complained about how a family memeber chooses to live their lives. Here is an idea of what I mean.
Let's say there are two sisters (this seems to happen more with siblings than other family members). We will call one Abbie and one Tabitha. Abbie is the younger sister and feels as if no matter what happens her life is never good enough as far as Tabitha is concerned. Tabitha thinks Abbie should be more stable in her life and live her life more like a business venture than an adventure. Both sisters live a good life. They both have phenomenal kids who excel in school and life. Both of them have made mistakes in love and both have chosen different paths to get where they are.
Tabitha married a man who was stable, business minded, and maybe a little obsessive compulsive. She loves her husband, her family, and her life. They have a beautiful house and all the comforts money can buy. Which is a good life. Some people might feel she made sacrifices for all those things and maybe she did. If she did though that was her choice. Her decision.
Abbie on the other hand has chosen to follow her heart and not so much her mind. She has been divorced a few times and may not have always made the best financial decisions. Even with all that she has a beautiful daughter, she has a good life, and finally has found a guy who seems to be the right guy. Instead of making her decisions based on her mind she choose to follow her heart. Have all her decisions been wise? Probably not. Has she made sacrifices to try to find what she wants? Yes, she probably has. Again though her decisions are hers. She hasn't destroyed her life or her child's life. They live in a nice home and have the most important comforts of life. They have love, a home, clothes on their backs, food on the table, and each other.
Due to the sister's decisions and their different view points they are fighting. Tabitha doesn't understand Abbie's choices due to they seem like bad choices to her. What Tabitha doesn't see and isn't understanding is that the choices that were good for her aren't necessarily the right choices for Abbie. Abbie has to live her life for her. Just as Tabitha had to live her's for herself. Instead of being made at Abbie for her choices Tabitha should look at Abbie's life and see that her life isn't bad it is just different. Abbie isn't homeless, she isn't on drugs, or dependant on any substance. Abbie's daughter isn't suffering from not having the things that Tabitha provides for her daughters. Both of their lives have good points and bad, but they are the right lives for each of them. They are the lives that God gave them and they chose. To fight about that is pointless and futile. If Tabitha wants to be made at her sister than she should wait for a bigger problem to occur, but she should never shut her sister out. Her sister is a gift she was given.
We all make our choices. Sometimes our family approves and sometimes our family doesn't. Sometimes we approve of our families choices and sometimes we don't. Those differences shouldn't create road blocks between each other. The only time family should ever walk away from each other is when the differences can hurt the other person.
I guess my point is we all have issues with our families and in our families. This holiday season let's all try to put our issues aside. Let's decide to make amends with our family. Invite that family member you are mad at to dinner, call that estranged family member or send them a card whichever makes the most sense. Just don't let life and differences make you decide to loose the greatest gift you were given. Each of us were given a family for a reason. That family can be annoying, irritating, and a lot more. Yet there is one thing they have that no other person has they are a part of a tree. They come from the same roots as you. It doesn't matter if you got grafted on to the tree or if you sprouted out of the tree. The fact is those roots are what drives us and keeps us tied to each other. We don't choose our family and I would like to believe there is a good reason for that. Maybe it is that the people in our family are meant to teach us something. For some it may be patience. Others it may be understanding and for some it may even be minding our own business. The thing is family is important. Embrace your family this holiday season even the drunks, the dreamers, the crazies, the busy bodies, the irritants, the bullies, the egocentric, even the materialistic. Embrace each other and remember you do have at least one thing in common. Each other.
So with the holidays approaching fast I have been thinking about family again. Alright I always think about family. It seems to be my main concentration always. Here it goes my current thoughts about family. I am pretty sure we can all relate.
While thinking about my family and the other families I know I have realized that all families have fights. Each family has a feud in it and all family members know how to reach those dark spots that we all wish would disappear. So why is it family fights with each other and why do we push those buttons that we know we can and probably shouldn't? I think it has a lot to do with love. I know it sounds crazy, but those who love the hardest and are to much a like seem to fight the most.
So with that said here are the main reasons I have found that most families fight about.
One of the main things I have noticed family has a tendency of starting fights due to caring to much. We all seem to think we know what is best for those we love. Which is funny since most of us don't know what is best for ourselves, but I guess it is easier to see the mistakes when you are the one on the outside looking in. Every person has to make their own choices and yes I do still think if you love someone you have to let them know when you think they are making a mistake. Maybe the key is as simple as not pushing to hard, but also accepting you can't make someone do what "you" think is right. Everyone must make their own mistakes. It isn't easy to watch the ones we love make mistakes. Especially when we have been through several of the mistakes we are seeing them go through. Why is it harder for us to let the ones we are closest to and love the most to listen to them or even to accept their choices? Maybe it is due to being to close to each other.
There is another thing I have noticed that families fight about. How our family choose to live their lives. Almost every person I know has complained about how a family memeber chooses to live their lives. Here is an idea of what I mean.
Let's say there are two sisters (this seems to happen more with siblings than other family members). We will call one Abbie and one Tabitha. Abbie is the younger sister and feels as if no matter what happens her life is never good enough as far as Tabitha is concerned. Tabitha thinks Abbie should be more stable in her life and live her life more like a business venture than an adventure. Both sisters live a good life. They both have phenomenal kids who excel in school and life. Both of them have made mistakes in love and both have chosen different paths to get where they are.
Tabitha married a man who was stable, business minded, and maybe a little obsessive compulsive. She loves her husband, her family, and her life. They have a beautiful house and all the comforts money can buy. Which is a good life. Some people might feel she made sacrifices for all those things and maybe she did. If she did though that was her choice. Her decision.
Abbie on the other hand has chosen to follow her heart and not so much her mind. She has been divorced a few times and may not have always made the best financial decisions. Even with all that she has a beautiful daughter, she has a good life, and finally has found a guy who seems to be the right guy. Instead of making her decisions based on her mind she choose to follow her heart. Have all her decisions been wise? Probably not. Has she made sacrifices to try to find what she wants? Yes, she probably has. Again though her decisions are hers. She hasn't destroyed her life or her child's life. They live in a nice home and have the most important comforts of life. They have love, a home, clothes on their backs, food on the table, and each other.
Due to the sister's decisions and their different view points they are fighting. Tabitha doesn't understand Abbie's choices due to they seem like bad choices to her. What Tabitha doesn't see and isn't understanding is that the choices that were good for her aren't necessarily the right choices for Abbie. Abbie has to live her life for her. Just as Tabitha had to live her's for herself. Instead of being made at Abbie for her choices Tabitha should look at Abbie's life and see that her life isn't bad it is just different. Abbie isn't homeless, she isn't on drugs, or dependant on any substance. Abbie's daughter isn't suffering from not having the things that Tabitha provides for her daughters. Both of their lives have good points and bad, but they are the right lives for each of them. They are the lives that God gave them and they chose. To fight about that is pointless and futile. If Tabitha wants to be made at her sister than she should wait for a bigger problem to occur, but she should never shut her sister out. Her sister is a gift she was given.
We all make our choices. Sometimes our family approves and sometimes our family doesn't. Sometimes we approve of our families choices and sometimes we don't. Those differences shouldn't create road blocks between each other. The only time family should ever walk away from each other is when the differences can hurt the other person.
I guess my point is we all have issues with our families and in our families. This holiday season let's all try to put our issues aside. Let's decide to make amends with our family. Invite that family member you are mad at to dinner, call that estranged family member or send them a card whichever makes the most sense. Just don't let life and differences make you decide to loose the greatest gift you were given. Each of us were given a family for a reason. That family can be annoying, irritating, and a lot more. Yet there is one thing they have that no other person has they are a part of a tree. They come from the same roots as you. It doesn't matter if you got grafted on to the tree or if you sprouted out of the tree. The fact is those roots are what drives us and keeps us tied to each other. We don't choose our family and I would like to believe there is a good reason for that. Maybe it is that the people in our family are meant to teach us something. For some it may be patience. Others it may be understanding and for some it may even be minding our own business. The thing is family is important. Embrace your family this holiday season even the drunks, the dreamers, the crazies, the busy bodies, the irritants, the bullies, the egocentric, even the materialistic. Embrace each other and remember you do have at least one thing in common. Each other.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Moving Up and Moving On
So as I have said before I am not perfect.
As a matter of fact I am far from perfect. Yet I love who I am. It took me many years to feel that way. Actually it took me many years to figure out who I was.
When I was a small child I knew who I was and I was proud. Not one person was going to change me and nothing would hold me back from flying as high as I wanted. Then one day I had to start school. That is when my vision of the world started to grow cracks in it. The first time was my first Kindergarten program. I was so excited. My parents had always been then. My Dad tried to catch a bat for me one morning before he left for work and before I went to school. I wanted him to catch it and he thought it would be great for Show and Tell. Granted he didn't catch it, but I remember my Dad and my Mom taking so much time to help me find the perfect items for Show and Tell. I remember my Dad helping me pick out rocks and shells. My Mom was going to bring my cat to the pet Show and Tell,but when he wouldn't walk across the street on a leash she brought the newborn baby kittens we had at home. So the day that we had our first program and they promised to be there I was so brokenhearted to look out and know I was the only one who's parents didn't show. We lived right across the street from the school. Literally all that was in between was a tennis court and the street. I remember Mrs. Stopper asking if was alright and what was wrong. How do you at age 5 say "My parents didn't come and they promised they would." I did like I have always done. I said I was fine and nothing was wrong. It was the first sign of things to come in my little world.
About a year later not long after I started first grade we ended up having to move. What I remember even more though is the conversation that my parents had with us kids not long before when my Dad said he might have to leave us to make sure we could survive. After we made that first move my parents started changing. It was a slow process.
One other thing is when I was little I was a very emotional and compassionate person. I would literally cry at the idea of anyone being hurt in any way shape or form. I still am compassionate and I still am emotional. The difference is I learned how to control both things. I sometimes wish I still had more compassion than I do now, but I know if I had stayed as compassionate as I was when I was little it would have destroyed me. Unfortunately, in this world there is such a thing as being to compassionate. It wasn't completely clear for until I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees". That movie explains so much. If you haven't seen it you really should. It will make you cry, laugh, and learn so much about life and people. It is one of those deep, soulfully beautiful movies that taught me some things about myself and about life.
After spending so much time hurting due to all around me I started wanting to go the other direction. Around 11 or 12 years old I got to the point I had hurt so much that I just wanted to stop hurting. The problem is I didn't care how I stopped the pain. At about that time I found a book on mind over matter that my brother left behind when he went into the Navy. I read it and I learned about self hypnosis, subliminal messages that you can give to yourself while you start to fall asleep/while you are sleeping, and how to shut off the portion of your brain that can feel pain. Using some of the techniques mentioned in the book I taught myself to wake up every time my body wanted to flip. (I was told I was a violent sleeper that flailed around in my sleep). I also found out that if I kept the right mind set and I prepared myself mentally I could handle the pain people gave me. I started with the physical pain and eventually it lead to emotional pain. By the time I was 13 I realized I could walk through a hall full of people disappear and not see one person or hear them. Nothing they could say or do could phase me or hurt me. At some point though a light started shining through all the darkness that started to surround me. Granted that light started small, but thankfully it grew as time went by. By the time I was 14 I started slowly finding happiness. It took a lot of years to work through all that pain, the rage, and fear. Thankfully I had friends, family, and sometimes even strangers who gave me hope or encouragement when it was hard.
Now after so many years I am a woman who is mostly optimistic, the majority of the time happy, and more often than not strong. Through all the things that happened I have learned a lot and hopefully with all I have gained I can help others. Once a friend of mine asked people what is the definition of success. My answer is when you find who you are, you are happy with who you see in the mirror (not what you see, but the person under the skin), and if you unselfishly try to help those around you when they need it. If you can find encouraging words, words of comfort, actions that help, or a way to shine a light into the world to make it better along with loving the person you are then I think that is the ultimate form of success.
May you find your success and may you bring more light to a dark world each day of your life.
As a matter of fact I am far from perfect. Yet I love who I am. It took me many years to feel that way. Actually it took me many years to figure out who I was.
When I was a small child I knew who I was and I was proud. Not one person was going to change me and nothing would hold me back from flying as high as I wanted. Then one day I had to start school. That is when my vision of the world started to grow cracks in it. The first time was my first Kindergarten program. I was so excited. My parents had always been then. My Dad tried to catch a bat for me one morning before he left for work and before I went to school. I wanted him to catch it and he thought it would be great for Show and Tell. Granted he didn't catch it, but I remember my Dad and my Mom taking so much time to help me find the perfect items for Show and Tell. I remember my Dad helping me pick out rocks and shells. My Mom was going to bring my cat to the pet Show and Tell,but when he wouldn't walk across the street on a leash she brought the newborn baby kittens we had at home. So the day that we had our first program and they promised to be there I was so brokenhearted to look out and know I was the only one who's parents didn't show. We lived right across the street from the school. Literally all that was in between was a tennis court and the street. I remember Mrs. Stopper asking if was alright and what was wrong. How do you at age 5 say "My parents didn't come and they promised they would." I did like I have always done. I said I was fine and nothing was wrong. It was the first sign of things to come in my little world.
About a year later not long after I started first grade we ended up having to move. What I remember even more though is the conversation that my parents had with us kids not long before when my Dad said he might have to leave us to make sure we could survive. After we made that first move my parents started changing. It was a slow process.
One other thing is when I was little I was a very emotional and compassionate person. I would literally cry at the idea of anyone being hurt in any way shape or form. I still am compassionate and I still am emotional. The difference is I learned how to control both things. I sometimes wish I still had more compassion than I do now, but I know if I had stayed as compassionate as I was when I was little it would have destroyed me. Unfortunately, in this world there is such a thing as being to compassionate. It wasn't completely clear for until I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees". That movie explains so much. If you haven't seen it you really should. It will make you cry, laugh, and learn so much about life and people. It is one of those deep, soulfully beautiful movies that taught me some things about myself and about life.
After spending so much time hurting due to all around me I started wanting to go the other direction. Around 11 or 12 years old I got to the point I had hurt so much that I just wanted to stop hurting. The problem is I didn't care how I stopped the pain. At about that time I found a book on mind over matter that my brother left behind when he went into the Navy. I read it and I learned about self hypnosis, subliminal messages that you can give to yourself while you start to fall asleep/while you are sleeping, and how to shut off the portion of your brain that can feel pain. Using some of the techniques mentioned in the book I taught myself to wake up every time my body wanted to flip. (I was told I was a violent sleeper that flailed around in my sleep). I also found out that if I kept the right mind set and I prepared myself mentally I could handle the pain people gave me. I started with the physical pain and eventually it lead to emotional pain. By the time I was 13 I realized I could walk through a hall full of people disappear and not see one person or hear them. Nothing they could say or do could phase me or hurt me. At some point though a light started shining through all the darkness that started to surround me. Granted that light started small, but thankfully it grew as time went by. By the time I was 14 I started slowly finding happiness. It took a lot of years to work through all that pain, the rage, and fear. Thankfully I had friends, family, and sometimes even strangers who gave me hope or encouragement when it was hard.
Now after so many years I am a woman who is mostly optimistic, the majority of the time happy, and more often than not strong. Through all the things that happened I have learned a lot and hopefully with all I have gained I can help others. Once a friend of mine asked people what is the definition of success. My answer is when you find who you are, you are happy with who you see in the mirror (not what you see, but the person under the skin), and if you unselfishly try to help those around you when they need it. If you can find encouraging words, words of comfort, actions that help, or a way to shine a light into the world to make it better along with loving the person you are then I think that is the ultimate form of success.
May you find your success and may you bring more light to a dark world each day of your life.
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