So you know that feeling you get when you can't sleep. That feeling that just says there is a lot going on in your life and you have something you need an answer to RIGHT NOW!!!!!! Well that has been me tonight.
First it started with this idea I have wanted to do for a friend for their birthday, but I couldn't figure out how to do it and get it to them on time. Considering this friend likes to pop up in my life, flip my life upside down, and then disappear I wanted to make sure I got it to them. Well I was laying in bed when it hit me how I can get this project done and to them. I have a scanner and the internet allows me to e-mail stuff to them. So I started scanning all the memories I have of them to send to them. I thought in each e-mail that I send the pictures of the memories I can include parts of our story. I thought it was a cool idea. Originally I wanted to print it out and make a scrapbook to give to them. Yet my printer needs ink and I don't want to give up those memories forever. So that left me in a bind on how I was going to do it. Then I thought how about I just draw a picture and write a little thingy about it all. So I started out doing that. Of course while I was trying to go to sleep it hit me I can scan them and e-mail them to my friend. So I spent most of the night doing that.
Since it was already midnight by the time I finished that that left me only 3 hours left before I have to be up any way. Might as well text my friend and say Happy Birthday and let them know they have a present in their e-mail. Why not? So then I couldn't sleep any way due to I started thinking about all the other stuff going on in my life. Then that leads me to think about all the people I care about and the stuff going on in their life.
Well then I remember how when I was heading to work yesterday my vision in my left eye was all jacked up. I was seeing squiggly lines and had blurry vision for at least 30 to 45 minutes. For a while I was really scared and then it cleared up. Still not sure what that was about, but considering the problems I had about 5 years ago or so not sure I should let it go. You see about 5 years ago I was having severe migraines, vision problems, tingling in half my face down and down my right arm followed by numbness. Could have been just stress still not sure. My friend talked me into going to see the doctor. So I went. The Dr had an MRI and a CAT scan done. I guess there is a difference I don't know. Well she found odd bumps on the right side of my skull. She then sent me to a neurologist. Who had MRIs done both with contrasting and none contrasting. Once he looked at those he wanted me to go get a bone density test. Well if you haven't had one of those they shoot you up with pretty nuclear green liquid that after about an hour sticks to your bones. Well I spent one day doing the MRIs and another day doing the bone density test. When I went to the neurologist he said I have bone cysts on the right side of my head. He described them as fragments of bones surrounded by pockets of tissue. He said he didn't know if they were causing my problems, but he wanted me to see an oncologist. Well silly me I thought when a Dr suggests another Dr they would actually talk to each other about all that medical mumble jumble. (No I am not proficient in taking care of medical stuff. I try to avoid Drs and my parents only took me to Drs when they had no choice. Literally only when they felt there was no other choice). So I don't know what to expect when I walk into those places. I found out they don't talk. So I was waiting to her something for nothing. Well I just got fed up. That is what I do. I hate Drs and if I am given an excuse not to go I won't go. Well the next time I went to see my Dr she asked about it. She obviously was exasperated with me. She wanted to know why I didn't follow up with her about what the neurologist had said and why I didn't go see the oncologist if that is what he suggested. Then she told me that if I wasn't having any more problems not to worry about it. It kind of reminds me of how it all went down when a cyst was found on my right ovary and they didn't really talk to me about it they just wanted to observe it every month. So do you see a pattern? I go to the doctor, they find a cyst of some sort always on my right side, they aren't worried about it, but want me to spend all this time doing tests. Yet they don't think it is what is causing my problem, but they aren't telling me how they plan on fixing my problem nor what they want to do with the cysts they find. So if anyone knows a good doctor in Arizona hit me up. I mean a doctor who cares and is willing to explain what is going on to a confused, clueless patient. Either that I will just have to make my friend Mandi come to this side of town and go with me.
So I have all that going on in my head then add my family which is a big whatever. Their health problems. Their drama. Their everything. Typical family I know. Yet my family takes it all to a new meaning. Ask anyone who has met them. I love them dearly, but I have no clue how to communicate with them or even where to start. It seems if I apologize I have offended someone. If I ask what I did wrong I have offended someone. If I try to help one I have offended someone else. I honestly give up. I can't deal with it any more. I am going to do what I can to carry out my Grandma's wishes and after that I don't know. They can contact me if they want to be a part of my life. I have wasted to much time chasing after family and not gotten anything but heartache.
Then add friends into all this. I don't know. I have my good friends who don't get mad at me. Who love me no matter if I am crazy. They love me even when I call them at 2 am to say I am upset and worried about something and then there are the people where it is always on their terms. They only want me in their life when it is convenient for them. What is up with that? Why even track me down and contact me? Oh not to mention the people who think I should have my world revolve around them and I should be instantly attracted to them. Then if I am not all of a sudden they get all moody and act like I did something horrible to them. Yes, being a jerk to me and making snide comments to me due to me not responding the way you want is so going to make me want you now. I am sorry it doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. Now all I can think is you are controlling and a jerk. Yes, I have my issues to. Such as there is this guy who keeps popping into my life. Not sure why he does. He just does and I am stupid. I listen to him. Every time he says all the things I want to hear and then disappears. Well if he disappears this is the last time. I am not angry. I am not shedding any tears. I have said my piece and I am done. I have done all I can do and I am thankful for the closure and the wisdom he gave me in his time.
So this is my insomnia ramblings. Yes, insomnia sucks. Yet what other time do I have by myself to think about all this stuff. At work I am suppose to be concentrating on work. When I get home I have to do homework, figure out dinner, and deal with a brother. So late at night when I am suppose to be sleeping is when I start to think. Everything piles up at one time and it makes it so my brain won't shut off.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Trials, Tribulations, Letting Go, and Finding Yourself
I haven't been faithful on my writing and for that I am sorry. Once again though I find my head racing with ideas and thoughts though that I must share. So here it is.
Recently an old love of mine found me. After having a short visit with him I find myself thinking of all that lead us (mainly me) to where we are today. So here is my thoughts and memories. Please excuse any memories that may be jumbled or marred due to time.
This old love of mine was a sweet, kind, shy sort who built a rough, hard shell around a gentle soul to protect it from the world. He stumbled, partied, did all sorts of stupid things in the name of fun, survival, and who knows what. The point is for some reason he chose to chase the one girl in the group of rowdy, rough, misfits that didn't party, who got good grades, who wasn't having sex, who had plans to have a stable life, and who was just as screwed up as the rest of them. Why he wanted to date her knowing that she wasn't quite like the rest I still don't know, but that isn't the point of our story today. All of this is just to give you a foreground for the real story today. These two teenagers seemed forever pulled together despite her trying to pawn him off on friends, telling him he was to young for her. Despite her refusing to have sex with him. Despite the fact she didn't do drugs, she went to church twice a week, and saw school and life as a responsibility to take seriously. Why did she want to date him? Well she liked the fact he challenged her, he didn't pressure her, he would hold her when she cried without making her feel guilty, he could make her smile, no matter what he did she would melt and forgive him. She liked that she could have play fights without either getting butt hurt, he would wrestle with her without trying to hurt her, but yet wouldn't take it easy on her either. When they had a real fight he would listen, talk, and they would work on a compromise that they both could live with. You could say they balanced each other in the polarity opposition. Her being the light, him being the darkness needing the light.. Her being the calm, him being the storm. Together they just fit. Together they met in the middle to find common ground.
So you probably wonder why the two didn't get married and live happily ever after. Well it goes like this. He was young and had a lot of lessons to learn. He wanted to go out see what was out there and was always looking for more than he had there. Yet he always came back to her. She accepted that they were young and he needed to explore life to figure out what he needed. Well a time came when they both reached a crossroads at the same time. He was spiraling out of control. He started doing a lot of really dumb stuff like drugs and his time with her was becoming less and less. At some point some other issues came up that caused her to doubt her trust in him. Then add her issues of finding out that the people she thought she could trust had stabbed her in the back. Her life was spiraling out of control and every where she looked it seemed there was no life line. She tried to hold on to him as long as she could. She tried to find a way to pull them both out of their spirals. She tried to get him to help her pull them out. Despite how much they both loved each other they were being pulled apart by their choices and life. Eventually she realized it was either sink with him or let him go. So she let go and stated trying to find a path back up the mountain and out of the spiraling whirlpool she had fallen into.
Well as she traveled through her life she started out on her hands and knees slowly crawling each step of the way up that mountain. As time went on she found herself at times reaching plateaus that gave her hope. Then there were the times she would fall tumbling down the side of the mountain over rocks, trees, and various debris before finally grabbing a hold of a branch to pull herself back up again. Life seemed to be full of these climbs, plateaus, and falls for her. Eventually she found herself at a place where she could stand and look back at where she had been. While looking back she saw all the trials she went through to get there. All the hardships, the people, and all the bumps and cuts she got along the way. She realized that she wasn't quite at the top of the mountain, but she had made it a lot farther than she realized.
At this point let me rewind about two years before when the teenage love of her's mentioned above decided to enter stage left for a brief interlude in her life. You see about two years before this woman had reached the calm spot in her life she was going through a pretty rough patch of ground in her life. It kind of resembled a desert of hardships with a lot of drought of emotion, buzzards flying around her, and her kind of spiritually dying of thirst. In the middle of all this in walks this teenage love of hers. All of a sudden out of the blue he contacts her to tell her how he has been thinking about her. How he misses her and he knows she is the one he always loved. He starts making promises of how he is going to move closer to be with her. How things are going to be different this time. How sorry he was for all the stuff that happened. You know the usual stuff guys say to girls. Well this girl listened and believed him due to their teenage history mixed with all the feelings she was having along with all those old feelings for him getting drummed up. Now here is where it gets a little less fairy tale and a little more real life. He makes plans to see her several times. The first time he says he can't make it due to he ended up having to cover for someone. Then there was the time his car broke or he wrecked it (I just remember it had something to do with his car). Finally he is to pick her up at work. Nothing is going to stop him from showing up this time (or so he says). The day comes and it starts out alright. He swears he is still coming. The day goes on and no responses through text message. Alright he is probably busy whatever. Finally the time comes no messages, no responses, and no past love any where in sight. Her heart drops and shatters into pieces. She swears off love and wants nothing more to do with any of this crazy stuff. (Well at least as much as she can since her whole soul seems to be filled with love and seems to overpower her with loving feelings for everyone that even annoy her at times).
Now for a brief overview of the two years in between that time and the present. The girl starts re-evaluating herself. She starts putting her pieces back together and she for the most part takes a long needed break from any serious dating. She goes out on occasion or talks to a guy here and there, but nothing overpowering or to write sonnets about. Basically she is doing a lot of inner healing and soul searching while building her outer world to fit her dreams better. During this time though even though she finds inner peace and is happier than she has ever been she feels concerned from time to time that there isn't any real overpowering emotions felt toward any of the guys she meets. Granted she has accepted a man doesn't make or break her life, but there is still a hope inside her that she will find that love and joy she sees some of her friends found. Yet she also knows that isn't something that can come with just any person. That is something that only happens when you find the right person. So she continues working on herself and enjoying the peaceful point in her life with no real major ups or downs just nice level ground for the first time in her life.
Then one day she is at work just doing her work and decides to take a few minutes quickly for herself as a break. She looks up her facebook page on her phone and sees a friend request. Being the curious sort she looks to see who could be possibly trying to friend her. Much to her surprise there is her old teenage love's name. The one above who stood her up 3 times, left her many times to sow his wild oats, and went spiraling out of control to the point she had to let him go or sink. Her first instinct was to accept (yes, I know why? Don't ask me I didn't create me), her next instinct was to deny (that made a lot more sense than the first instinct), and after probably 30 seconds of debating it (plus reliving all the good and bad moments in her head) she accepted it. Her reasoning? To find out why he stood her up, why he thought she would even want anything to do with him after everything he put her through? And because for whatever reason she stilled loved him and something inside her wanted to know if there was any hope they could build a dream together. I know stupid, sappy, and ridiculous. I know. I never claimed that my heart or my soul made any sense. I also never claimed that my brain did or that I listened to it when it made sense if my heart/soul wanted different. After talking for probably about a week he actually showed up to see her.
Now for that story. (I know this is long. Bare with me we are almost up to the last part of the story so far). He finally shows up with his little sister driving him. As soon as she sees him she is filed with all sorts of emotions she forgot what felt like. There was nervousness, excitement, love, concern, confusion, and uncertainty. A part of her saw the teenage boy who convinced a headstrong, wild spirited, goody tissues, girl who was going places one way or another and nobody was stopping her girl to fall in love with him despite her efforts not to. There he was inside this rough, tattooed, ear gauged (not that big, but gauged), scarred, bald, scraggly man. Yes, he was scrawny and looked like he had lived a hard life, but some how in her eyes he was something else. To look at him she knew he wouldn't win any contests for the best looking, but there was something in his nervousness, the look in his eyes when he looked at her like he couldn't believe she was there; really there, and the cracking of his voice. Something in all that made her see that awkward, scrawny teenage boy who at first glance wasn't much, but at a closer look was the best, sweetest, and greatest boy she knew. Yes, life had been hard on him. Yet she could see something there that still pulled her in. After spending time with him she saw how different their worlds had always been and how even more different they became. She started wondering could it be possible that he would want to be a part of her world now.
Would it be possible to some how combine their worlds to make one that they could both live happily in together. A world made of balance between peace and excitement. A world between following rules and pushing them to the brink. A world where Yin and Yang could meet to find balance or was she just heading toward a just a memory that would fade in the end. Was that all they were was a memory of young childish hopes and dreams? Is there a chance that fate brought them together at a time when they would have faith that anything was possible only so when the time was right they would seek each other out again to be together forever? I don't know and I don't have the answers. Is it possible that he would want to settle down to a life of marriage, kids, being home, with only the occasional outing to party responsibly, and do crazy things? Can they meet in the middle enough to make this work? Is she really what he wants and is he really what she wants? I guess only talking and time will tell that part of the story.
Recently an old love of mine found me. After having a short visit with him I find myself thinking of all that lead us (mainly me) to where we are today. So here is my thoughts and memories. Please excuse any memories that may be jumbled or marred due to time.
This old love of mine was a sweet, kind, shy sort who built a rough, hard shell around a gentle soul to protect it from the world. He stumbled, partied, did all sorts of stupid things in the name of fun, survival, and who knows what. The point is for some reason he chose to chase the one girl in the group of rowdy, rough, misfits that didn't party, who got good grades, who wasn't having sex, who had plans to have a stable life, and who was just as screwed up as the rest of them. Why he wanted to date her knowing that she wasn't quite like the rest I still don't know, but that isn't the point of our story today. All of this is just to give you a foreground for the real story today. These two teenagers seemed forever pulled together despite her trying to pawn him off on friends, telling him he was to young for her. Despite her refusing to have sex with him. Despite the fact she didn't do drugs, she went to church twice a week, and saw school and life as a responsibility to take seriously. Why did she want to date him? Well she liked the fact he challenged her, he didn't pressure her, he would hold her when she cried without making her feel guilty, he could make her smile, no matter what he did she would melt and forgive him. She liked that she could have play fights without either getting butt hurt, he would wrestle with her without trying to hurt her, but yet wouldn't take it easy on her either. When they had a real fight he would listen, talk, and they would work on a compromise that they both could live with. You could say they balanced each other in the polarity opposition. Her being the light, him being the darkness needing the light.. Her being the calm, him being the storm. Together they just fit. Together they met in the middle to find common ground.
So you probably wonder why the two didn't get married and live happily ever after. Well it goes like this. He was young and had a lot of lessons to learn. He wanted to go out see what was out there and was always looking for more than he had there. Yet he always came back to her. She accepted that they were young and he needed to explore life to figure out what he needed. Well a time came when they both reached a crossroads at the same time. He was spiraling out of control. He started doing a lot of really dumb stuff like drugs and his time with her was becoming less and less. At some point some other issues came up that caused her to doubt her trust in him. Then add her issues of finding out that the people she thought she could trust had stabbed her in the back. Her life was spiraling out of control and every where she looked it seemed there was no life line. She tried to hold on to him as long as she could. She tried to find a way to pull them both out of their spirals. She tried to get him to help her pull them out. Despite how much they both loved each other they were being pulled apart by their choices and life. Eventually she realized it was either sink with him or let him go. So she let go and stated trying to find a path back up the mountain and out of the spiraling whirlpool she had fallen into.
Well as she traveled through her life she started out on her hands and knees slowly crawling each step of the way up that mountain. As time went on she found herself at times reaching plateaus that gave her hope. Then there were the times she would fall tumbling down the side of the mountain over rocks, trees, and various debris before finally grabbing a hold of a branch to pull herself back up again. Life seemed to be full of these climbs, plateaus, and falls for her. Eventually she found herself at a place where she could stand and look back at where she had been. While looking back she saw all the trials she went through to get there. All the hardships, the people, and all the bumps and cuts she got along the way. She realized that she wasn't quite at the top of the mountain, but she had made it a lot farther than she realized.
At this point let me rewind about two years before when the teenage love of her's mentioned above decided to enter stage left for a brief interlude in her life. You see about two years before this woman had reached the calm spot in her life she was going through a pretty rough patch of ground in her life. It kind of resembled a desert of hardships with a lot of drought of emotion, buzzards flying around her, and her kind of spiritually dying of thirst. In the middle of all this in walks this teenage love of hers. All of a sudden out of the blue he contacts her to tell her how he has been thinking about her. How he misses her and he knows she is the one he always loved. He starts making promises of how he is going to move closer to be with her. How things are going to be different this time. How sorry he was for all the stuff that happened. You know the usual stuff guys say to girls. Well this girl listened and believed him due to their teenage history mixed with all the feelings she was having along with all those old feelings for him getting drummed up. Now here is where it gets a little less fairy tale and a little more real life. He makes plans to see her several times. The first time he says he can't make it due to he ended up having to cover for someone. Then there was the time his car broke or he wrecked it (I just remember it had something to do with his car). Finally he is to pick her up at work. Nothing is going to stop him from showing up this time (or so he says). The day comes and it starts out alright. He swears he is still coming. The day goes on and no responses through text message. Alright he is probably busy whatever. Finally the time comes no messages, no responses, and no past love any where in sight. Her heart drops and shatters into pieces. She swears off love and wants nothing more to do with any of this crazy stuff. (Well at least as much as she can since her whole soul seems to be filled with love and seems to overpower her with loving feelings for everyone that even annoy her at times).
Now for a brief overview of the two years in between that time and the present. The girl starts re-evaluating herself. She starts putting her pieces back together and she for the most part takes a long needed break from any serious dating. She goes out on occasion or talks to a guy here and there, but nothing overpowering or to write sonnets about. Basically she is doing a lot of inner healing and soul searching while building her outer world to fit her dreams better. During this time though even though she finds inner peace and is happier than she has ever been she feels concerned from time to time that there isn't any real overpowering emotions felt toward any of the guys she meets. Granted she has accepted a man doesn't make or break her life, but there is still a hope inside her that she will find that love and joy she sees some of her friends found. Yet she also knows that isn't something that can come with just any person. That is something that only happens when you find the right person. So she continues working on herself and enjoying the peaceful point in her life with no real major ups or downs just nice level ground for the first time in her life.
Then one day she is at work just doing her work and decides to take a few minutes quickly for herself as a break. She looks up her facebook page on her phone and sees a friend request. Being the curious sort she looks to see who could be possibly trying to friend her. Much to her surprise there is her old teenage love's name. The one above who stood her up 3 times, left her many times to sow his wild oats, and went spiraling out of control to the point she had to let him go or sink. Her first instinct was to accept (yes, I know why? Don't ask me I didn't create me), her next instinct was to deny (that made a lot more sense than the first instinct), and after probably 30 seconds of debating it (plus reliving all the good and bad moments in her head) she accepted it. Her reasoning? To find out why he stood her up, why he thought she would even want anything to do with him after everything he put her through? And because for whatever reason she stilled loved him and something inside her wanted to know if there was any hope they could build a dream together. I know stupid, sappy, and ridiculous. I know. I never claimed that my heart or my soul made any sense. I also never claimed that my brain did or that I listened to it when it made sense if my heart/soul wanted different. After talking for probably about a week he actually showed up to see her.
Now for that story. (I know this is long. Bare with me we are almost up to the last part of the story so far). He finally shows up with his little sister driving him. As soon as she sees him she is filed with all sorts of emotions she forgot what felt like. There was nervousness, excitement, love, concern, confusion, and uncertainty. A part of her saw the teenage boy who convinced a headstrong, wild spirited, goody tissues, girl who was going places one way or another and nobody was stopping her girl to fall in love with him despite her efforts not to. There he was inside this rough, tattooed, ear gauged (not that big, but gauged), scarred, bald, scraggly man. Yes, he was scrawny and looked like he had lived a hard life, but some how in her eyes he was something else. To look at him she knew he wouldn't win any contests for the best looking, but there was something in his nervousness, the look in his eyes when he looked at her like he couldn't believe she was there; really there, and the cracking of his voice. Something in all that made her see that awkward, scrawny teenage boy who at first glance wasn't much, but at a closer look was the best, sweetest, and greatest boy she knew. Yes, life had been hard on him. Yet she could see something there that still pulled her in. After spending time with him she saw how different their worlds had always been and how even more different they became. She started wondering could it be possible that he would want to be a part of her world now.
Would it be possible to some how combine their worlds to make one that they could both live happily in together. A world made of balance between peace and excitement. A world between following rules and pushing them to the brink. A world where Yin and Yang could meet to find balance or was she just heading toward a just a memory that would fade in the end. Was that all they were was a memory of young childish hopes and dreams? Is there a chance that fate brought them together at a time when they would have faith that anything was possible only so when the time was right they would seek each other out again to be together forever? I don't know and I don't have the answers. Is it possible that he would want to settle down to a life of marriage, kids, being home, with only the occasional outing to party responsibly, and do crazy things? Can they meet in the middle enough to make this work? Is she really what he wants and is he really what she wants? I guess only talking and time will tell that part of the story.
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