So you know that feeling you get when you can't sleep. That feeling that just says there is a lot going on in your life and you have something you need an answer to RIGHT NOW!!!!!! Well that has been me tonight.
First it started with this idea I have wanted to do for a friend for their birthday, but I couldn't figure out how to do it and get it to them on time. Considering this friend likes to pop up in my life, flip my life upside down, and then disappear I wanted to make sure I got it to them. Well I was laying in bed when it hit me how I can get this project done and to them. I have a scanner and the internet allows me to e-mail stuff to them. So I started scanning all the memories I have of them to send to them. I thought in each e-mail that I send the pictures of the memories I can include parts of our story. I thought it was a cool idea. Originally I wanted to print it out and make a scrapbook to give to them. Yet my printer needs ink and I don't want to give up those memories forever. So that left me in a bind on how I was going to do it. Then I thought how about I just draw a picture and write a little thingy about it all. So I started out doing that. Of course while I was trying to go to sleep it hit me I can scan them and e-mail them to my friend. So I spent most of the night doing that.
Since it was already midnight by the time I finished that that left me only 3 hours left before I have to be up any way. Might as well text my friend and say Happy Birthday and let them know they have a present in their e-mail. Why not? So then I couldn't sleep any way due to I started thinking about all the other stuff going on in my life. Then that leads me to think about all the people I care about and the stuff going on in their life.
Well then I remember how when I was heading to work yesterday my vision in my left eye was all jacked up. I was seeing squiggly lines and had blurry vision for at least 30 to 45 minutes. For a while I was really scared and then it cleared up. Still not sure what that was about, but considering the problems I had about 5 years ago or so not sure I should let it go. You see about 5 years ago I was having severe migraines, vision problems, tingling in half my face down and down my right arm followed by numbness. Could have been just stress still not sure. My friend talked me into going to see the doctor. So I went. The Dr had an MRI and a CAT scan done. I guess there is a difference I don't know. Well she found odd bumps on the right side of my skull. She then sent me to a neurologist. Who had MRIs done both with contrasting and none contrasting. Once he looked at those he wanted me to go get a bone density test. Well if you haven't had one of those they shoot you up with pretty nuclear green liquid that after about an hour sticks to your bones. Well I spent one day doing the MRIs and another day doing the bone density test. When I went to the neurologist he said I have bone cysts on the right side of my head. He described them as fragments of bones surrounded by pockets of tissue. He said he didn't know if they were causing my problems, but he wanted me to see an oncologist. Well silly me I thought when a Dr suggests another Dr they would actually talk to each other about all that medical mumble jumble. (No I am not proficient in taking care of medical stuff. I try to avoid Drs and my parents only took me to Drs when they had no choice. Literally only when they felt there was no other choice). So I don't know what to expect when I walk into those places. I found out they don't talk. So I was waiting to her something for nothing. Well I just got fed up. That is what I do. I hate Drs and if I am given an excuse not to go I won't go. Well the next time I went to see my Dr she asked about it. She obviously was exasperated with me. She wanted to know why I didn't follow up with her about what the neurologist had said and why I didn't go see the oncologist if that is what he suggested. Then she told me that if I wasn't having any more problems not to worry about it. It kind of reminds me of how it all went down when a cyst was found on my right ovary and they didn't really talk to me about it they just wanted to observe it every month. So do you see a pattern? I go to the doctor, they find a cyst of some sort always on my right side, they aren't worried about it, but want me to spend all this time doing tests. Yet they don't think it is what is causing my problem, but they aren't telling me how they plan on fixing my problem nor what they want to do with the cysts they find. So if anyone knows a good doctor in Arizona hit me up. I mean a doctor who cares and is willing to explain what is going on to a confused, clueless patient. Either that I will just have to make my friend Mandi come to this side of town and go with me.
So I have all that going on in my head then add my family which is a big whatever. Their health problems. Their drama. Their everything. Typical family I know. Yet my family takes it all to a new meaning. Ask anyone who has met them. I love them dearly, but I have no clue how to communicate with them or even where to start. It seems if I apologize I have offended someone. If I ask what I did wrong I have offended someone. If I try to help one I have offended someone else. I honestly give up. I can't deal with it any more. I am going to do what I can to carry out my Grandma's wishes and after that I don't know. They can contact me if they want to be a part of my life. I have wasted to much time chasing after family and not gotten anything but heartache.
Then add friends into all this. I don't know. I have my good friends who don't get mad at me. Who love me no matter if I am crazy. They love me even when I call them at 2 am to say I am upset and worried about something and then there are the people where it is always on their terms. They only want me in their life when it is convenient for them. What is up with that? Why even track me down and contact me? Oh not to mention the people who think I should have my world revolve around them and I should be instantly attracted to them. Then if I am not all of a sudden they get all moody and act like I did something horrible to them. Yes, being a jerk to me and making snide comments to me due to me not responding the way you want is so going to make me want you now. I am sorry it doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. Now all I can think is you are controlling and a jerk. Yes, I have my issues to. Such as there is this guy who keeps popping into my life. Not sure why he does. He just does and I am stupid. I listen to him. Every time he says all the things I want to hear and then disappears. Well if he disappears this is the last time. I am not angry. I am not shedding any tears. I have said my piece and I am done. I have done all I can do and I am thankful for the closure and the wisdom he gave me in his time.
So this is my insomnia ramblings. Yes, insomnia sucks. Yet what other time do I have by myself to think about all this stuff. At work I am suppose to be concentrating on work. When I get home I have to do homework, figure out dinner, and deal with a brother. So late at night when I am suppose to be sleeping is when I start to think. Everything piles up at one time and it makes it so my brain won't shut off.
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