Don't Ever Forget

I don't usually post more than one blog a day and I don't find time to even do that sometimes yet I feel that I need to get something out.

Death has never been something I have dealt well with and I know noone ever does. The thing is other then when my Grandma Bayless died and then my Great Grandma Barton died not long after I haven't had to deal with a lot of death. I can count on one hand how many funerals I have been to. It has been 4 exactly. Two of them were when I was about 7 years old. Those were the two I mentioned above. One was a friend who was killed by a drunk driver when I was in my twenties and the last one was on my last Birthday. That one was my Grandma Jones.

There have been other people who have passed in my life. Once I had a friend who moved a way she promised to write to me. When I heard about her writing everyone else and she never wrote to me I was hurt. A few years later I found out not long after she moved she died of cancer. I won't say I wasn't sad, because I was. The thing is I had already lost her friendship before I ever heard about her passing and so I guess even though I was sad the greater pain was the lose of the friendship. My Great Aunt Miriam died when I was a teenager and even though I was sad to hear of her passing it had been many years since I had seen. Do to all those years in between the lose of her wasn't that hard to deal with. I said my prayer for her and moved on.

The four people I went to say goodbye to were the hardest for me to lose. My Grandma Bayless took me years before I finally was able to let the pain go. Literally it took me years. I believe I was about 10 or 11 years old before I finally went a full year without crying over the lose. My Great Grandma didn't take me as long, but it did take me a while before I was able to move on. I remember saying my prayers at night and asking God if I could talk to them. I would ask him if he couldn't let them hear me to at least pass on a message for me to them. Then I would tell them all the things I wanted to say to them. Whether it was a small child's wishful heart or them actually hearing it I don't know. What I do know is that I always felt better afterwards. It was like I still had an open communication with them despite the fact I couldn't see them. Losing my friend was hard, because he was a good person. Then add to that he was young and it happened so fast. Well that took me a few years to move past. I spent several years where September was a hard month due to the memory of his passing. Then one day I sat down bought a bottle of Tequila Rose drank a drink to him and spent a night remembering him. My recent lose though is going to be the hardest of all. It has been the hardest for me.

Since losing my Grandma I try to remind myself that she is in a better place. That having her Memorial on my Birthday was a great honor. The problem is this I miss her. It is as simple as that. I may not have talked to her as much as I should have. I may not have been able to visit her as much as I wanted to. Yet the point is this I loved her. She was the best part of my childhood memories. The worst part is after losing her I realized I really didn't know much about her. All those years. All those talks. All that time spent with her and the whole time she made it about making me feel better. My whole life I wanted to grow up and be as much like her as I could. I knew I could never be exactly like her, but I wanted to have her spirit. You know that part of her that made everyone love her. Not because I wanted to be loved, but because of how that part of her made me feel when I was with her. I knew from the time I was little I would never settle for just being married to anyone. I wanted someone to look at me the way my Grandpa looked at her. I wanted someone I could care for the way she cared for all of us. I wanted to be a wife and a mother the way she was. The type that always did everything with such cheer and understanding. I don't ever remember seeing her cry or be sad. I know she must have had days when she did. My Mom told me about how my Grandma missed her Mom. So I know she must have had times where it was hard for her. Yet I some how never saw it. Well not for until the end. Even then though she smiled for me. Even that last time I saw her a month before she passed she smiled whenever I looked at her and tried to laugh for me. I know she is in a better place now. I know she feels no pain and she is with her Mother and her family. Yet I can't help feeling sad. I can't help missing her. I can't help wanting to forget that I turned another year older the day we all said goodbye. It wouldn't have mattered when the Memorial took place. That Birthday was a wash the day I heard she passed.  I knew it the moment I realized it was 4 days for until my Birthday. I am not angry. I could never be angry at her or at any memory that involved her. The thing is this. My birthdays have never been anything really special. The one year that there was something special planned for me I ended up moving. My friends told me about it when I went to leave. They were planning a surprise party for my 16th Birthday. Which just hearing about it was wonderful even if it couldn't happen. Now every Birthday is going to be hard to celebrate. I know my Grandma would want me to celebrate her being reunited with her Savior and her family. The problem is I am human which means no matter how hard I try not to be selfish I have moments that I am. I know what I should do. I know for her I shouldn't cry. I know that she would want me to be happy for her. I know she would want me to move on and be rejoiceful of the time I had with her and the time I still have here. The problem is the selfish part of me wants more time with her than I had the oppertunity to have. The selfish part of me wonders why I didn't get the chances everyone else did to spend with her when I was growing up. Why didn't I know her favorite color was pink? Why didn't I know her favorite cake? I lived with her for a while and the whole time she went out of her way to do for me and my siblings. Why didn't I take the time to ask the questions about what her favorite things were? Why didn't I ask her what her favorite childhood memories were?

You see it wasn't for until everyone else was talking about her that I realized all those times I was with her I didn't know the little things about her. Yet what I keep hearing in my heart is that those things really didn't matter. Yes, they were a part of who she was, but there was a deeper part of her that I knew. The part of her I knew was the part that she gave to me to carry on. That part was the love and understanding that she taught me. I may not have known her favorite color or her favorite cake, but I knew the way she made me feel special. I knew how she always was there for me. She always would tell me about the family. She would give me everyone's address and she would give me pictures of them. Whenever I saw her she told me how my cousins were doing and she would share stories about their lives. Through her I knew about cousins I never met. She told me about my Great Grandmothers. About both her Mother and about her step Mother. That is the part of her she gave me, because that was the part she knew I would want. I will never know what she saw in me that made her always pull me aside and tell me those stories. What I do know is how excited I would get to hear them. How those stories made me feel. She knew what I needed some how. She knew what I would relate to more than anything. It was the family as a whole that she could give me and she did. She told me about cousin Julie and her family. I could never remember all their names so I would always ask her how the J family was since all their names started with J's. I knew their last name was Pease, but I was fascinated with the fact their names all started with J's. She sent me a Christmas present one year with my cousin Kylie's picture inside a pendant that I cherished for years. You see she knew that all I wanted was the same thing she did. We wanted our family to be close. For everyone to get along and love each other. We both wanted all of us to let go of our differences and see what God had given us. He had given us the perfect gift if we would just take off the blinds of the world and see it. He had given us people who shared a tie with us. That tie could be through blood, through marriage, or even through adoption. It didn't matter how we became a family. What mattered was that we were and that we were brought together as a family for a reason. That a greater purpose decicded we were a family.

It took me losing my Grandma to remember all this. I got so wrapped up in surviving and in trying to stay above the tide that I forgot the reason I was trying so hard to survive. I forgot why all those years I sent cards and letters out to all those people I never met, but heard stories about. I did all that, because I knew that I was connected them in some way. I did it, because they were my family. No matter what any of us did none of us could change that. That was a decision that was made for us. For whatever reason that decision was made and I knew that any bond made with any of them was worth the effort made.

I may never have the oppertunity to get my whole family in one place or to have a big family reunion with most of my family being there. What I do know is this I am not going to stop trying to bring my family together. That includes my immediate family as well as all my extended family. No matter how long I live I will do my best to continue to try to keep my family connected. It is something that mattered to me when I was young. It is something that mattered to my Grandma and it is something that still matters to me now.

I am sorry if this post is a little sad. I just had to get it out there. I had to find a way to work through it. Maybe I should have written it in a journal or diary instead, but for some reason I felt it needed to be shared. That maybe some how it would reach another person who needed to hear it. I hope it helps someone else as well.

Trials of Keeping Optimistic

I try to be an optimistic person. This isn't always an easy thing to do. Life has it's ups and downs. There are hard times and easy ones. Through all of these I try to remind myself that no matter what happens there will always be better days and that everything happens for a reason. Even with reminding myself of these things sometimes remaining optimistic gets hard.

There have been times in my life when everything feels like it starts falling around me and I am alone. Those are the times it gets hard. When those times come around and the hard times seem like they aren't ever going to get better or I don't care what the reason is that I am going through those times there seems to be a few thoughts that come to mind. It seems that either one of two things come to mind. The one that has come to mind the most often is 1 Corinthians 10:12 "This to shall pass." This reminds me that no matter what it is, no matter what happens all things pass. All we ever have is the moments and once those moments have passed we have the memories. Whether those memories are good or bad those are what we are left with. They shape us and make us who we are and who we will be. We can chose to learn from them or we can chose to let them control us. Either way they make us who we are.

The other thought that gets me through those times that feel hopeless is the thought that it could be worse. There are many people who have worse things happening in there lives than I have ever have happened. Then I remember all the people I know who have had so many problems with illness, family problems, looking for work, and so many other problems. Yet those people are the ones who seem to stay strong and find reasons to still find happiness. When I think of those people and all they have over come I remember that my problems are small. Thinking of the people who have overcome all their problems and still are happy reminds me of how I should be thinking of them instead. Reminds me how they need someone more than I do.

People tell me we all have feelings for a reason and those feelings are important. My friends tell me that I should take care of myself and my needs. The thing is I take care of myself, but I am better at taking care of others. I would rather take care of others. I keep getting told who will take care of me if I don't take care of myself. My question is this "Why can't we all take care of each other?" Why is it we always think who will take care of us if we don't do it ourselves? Don't we all need someone sometimes? Yes, we all have to take care of ourselves to a point. We all have to make sure we do our part to help ourselves, but we all have those times we need someone to remind us of the strength within. We all have those days that we need to be reminded that the clouds will pass and the sun will shine. We all have times we need a shoulder to cry on and a hug from a friend. There will be times we need an ear to hear us and understanding words to comfort us. If we don't think about those times, if we don't remember those times that we need it and be there for others then how can we expect someone to be there when we need it.

I remain optimistic, happy, and caring for those people who need me to be. I remain that way for myself. If I can't be there for those who need me (those who really need me) then why was I brought into this world. If I am not here to bring a ray of sunshine to those who need it. To be a shoulder for those who need a shoulder. An ear for those who need someone to hear them. The voice of understanding and optimisim. Then tell me why I am here. You see I may not be a genius. I may not be the most talented person or the most beautiful, but I have something that I believe is more valuable then any of those things. My gift that I was given isn't marketable. My gift can't make me a millionaire, but I wouldn't trade it for any other gift. The gift I was given was Love and a very big heart. It is this love and a heart big enough to love all the people I have met no matter what has happened or who they are that has allowed me to remain optimistic, happy, and caring. It is this gift that has allowed me to find the good in every person I have met and to have found that something in every moment good or bad worth having gone through. Every person that has come through my life has taught me a lesson. Whether I realize it in the moment or I realize it later when something comes up they all taught me something. Every moment in my life especially the hard ones has taught me something.

If you asked me where I learned to find the good in all people and all things I would tell you I learned it from many places. Part of it I believe was passed on genetically from my Mom's Mom. She was just that kind of person and I feel I inherited part of it from her. Another part was taught to me at a very young age by my Mom and her Mother. They both taught me that there is good in everything and that every person has good in them. Then as I got older I had friends, strangers, and those who chose their own paths that reminded me there is always good. Even the people who tried to convince me there were times not to be optimistic only accentuated the need to find that good in the situation more for me. You see I would see them and how their outlook had affected them which would make me sad. It was the outcome of their outlook that reminded me even more why I needed to remain optimistic and why I needed to find the good. If you have ever seen someone who looks at the glass as half full all the time or even most of the time you will see someone who misses the beauty in the moment. You will see someone who doesn't find the happiness in that moment. I am not saying not to express your sadness or your pain. I am not saying don't prepare for the worst. What I am saying is this. . . . . . . . Try not to hold on to or embrace those moments. Try to see past the sadness and pain. See what is beyond it. Remember that even if the worst happens that it will pass eventually especially if you prepare for it. Remember the good times when things go bad. If you loved someone and the time comes where you have to part try not to dwell on why you had to leave. Try to remember why you loved them. Remember why it won't work, but remember there was a time you did love them and why you did.

 Life is full of lessons. It is full of ups and downs. There will be lonely times and times full of loved ones. Your world will fall around you and it will rebuild as well. Only you can decide how you will remember it. What path you will chose and how you will rebuild your life when it falls apart. Only you can decide to be there when someone needs you or to chose not to be there. You can decide to let the pain and sadness of the past rule you or to let it be a guide to help you find understanding and happiness. We all can make the decision to find our path. That path may not lead us where I hoped or thought it would, but we can chose to make of our detours what we will. How will you decide to look at your detours? As a nuisance or as scenic route?

Holiday Cooking

I have another blog that I wrote down the other day, but I felt with it being the day before Thanksgiving something lighter was in store. I will post the other one another day.

So this is the first year in a really long time that I am not making a huge Thanksgiving meal and I am both sad and happy. Sad due to the fact I love cooking and I love seeing all the happy faces from enjoying something I made. Happy though due to the fact that I don't have to clean up after making the said Holiday feast.

I love the holidays. There is just so much wonderful things about the holidays that I love. I know a lot of people get caught up in the whole buying presents and the work it takes to pull off a perfect holiday season. Yet I love the baking, cooking, eating, singing, decorating, sharing, and opening presents. I love seeing people be happy and seeing families get together. Granted my family isn't really great at the whole getting together thing, but I still enjoy the idea.

You see holidays seem to be when people bring up old traditions that have been passed on down the family or when they think the most about making memories. When I hear people talk about the holidays it usually involves making pies or cookies with Grandma. Involves watching football with Grandpa. There is the trimming the tree with the whole family and the silly things that happen when everyone gets together. There is sharing of food and recipes. The old favorites that everyone loves and looks forward to each year. If only we could find a way to slow down our lives a little more often to share and make these type of memories through out the year. I know people say it each holiday and we all agree to it. Yet how many of us actually do it? How many of us go out of our way to plan a special trip with our loved ones, take pictures, and make memories of it? How many of us decide during the year to just take a moment and do something with the kids around us that we thought was great from when we were little? How many of us stop for a moment in our days to sit with the younger generations and tell them about their ancestors? How many of us even know stories about our Grandparents or Great Grandparents not alone going farther back? How many of us sing old songs that have been passed down to our kids or read the old stories we loved to them? How many of us go in the kitchen and teach our kids to make the recipes their Grandparents loved to make? When we do how many of us tell them stories of the times their Grandparents making it or maybe stories that were told when we were being taught to make it?

You see if we don't make time to make those moments they won't happen and if we don't pass on the ones from the past they will be forgotten. I have had an idea for a long time and I know others in my family have as well to make a memory book of family stories, recipes, pictures, and other things to pass on. Granted I don't have any kids of my own yet, but I have nieces, nephews, great nephews, and cousins that I think would enjoy it. I know time is hard to come by and finding time for everything we need to do not alone what we want to do is so hard. I suffer from this as well. It has been a problem since the end of time, but I do make time to make memories here and there. I go on at least one trip a year with my brother and we have invited other family members to go. I try to visit my best friend and her family every year. While I am visiting I try to find new recipes for them to try and I try to do or find things that are fun and memorable to do. Granted it is hard to do that in a week sometimes when you haven't seen someone in a year, but I try. When I get a chance I try to do fun and memorable things with my Goddaughter and her sister. Such as taking them camping and getting their Jr. Ranger badges at different National Parks. I know there are more things I can do and each year I try a little harder to find new memories or make traditions. Some of the traditions I have picked up from friends or things I heard or read about. Such as last year I added Suger Plums to my list of things to make for Christmas. If you haven't tried them you should. They are delicious. Maybe I will post the recipe another time. Actually I might start doing that around Christmas time. Just post some of my favorite recipes for the holidays and write a little something around them. Another tradition started last year was Hot Wheel Mystery Cars. I know I am an adult, but there is just something about having a toy you can't see what is and opening it around the holidays.

Well I would love to hear some of your family traditions or memories. I hope you make some new ones this year and that you find a way to keep the holiday magic going throughout the year. Happy Holidays and if I don't get a chance to post anything tomorrow then Happy Thanksgiving.

Potential. Who decides who has it and who doesn't?

What or who decides if we have potential? Do we decide? Do others decide? Does fate decide? Is it a mixture of all these things? Or is potential something we are all born with and it is how each person chooses how to use it that decides?

Most of my life I didn't know how most people gauge other people's potential. It wasn't for until I was about 16 that I found out how people gauge other people's potential. Maybe this was due to my love of history. You see history is full of underdogs succeeding for one reason and one reason only. They believed they could.

When Annie Oakley was a little girl she was told that ladies don't hunt and they don't shoot guns. Her mother was raising a lady not a boy. Even though her mother forbad her from shooting a gun Annie had her father's friend teach her how to shoot. This was after her father had died and the family was needing food bad. For a while Annie hunted for food using traps, because that was acceptable to her mom. At some point Annie showed her mom how well she could shoot by shooting an acorn out of a tree. I read this story when I was in 4th grade. Granted I didn't get to finish the book due to moving, but the life of Annie Oakley stuck with me mainly, because she was a woman who did what she was told wasn't possible. She remained a lady while being able to out shoot most men. This wasn't believed to be possible back then. If a female could shoot then they couldn't be a lady. Yet she was able to be respected as a lady while making money showing she could shoot better than most men. She did what was believed in her time as impossible. Why? She did it, because she believed she could.

Marie Curie also is a person who found her great potential inspite of the general populations thoughts. She was the first women to win the Noble Prize, the first person ever to win it twice, and she was the first female instructor at Sorbonne. Along with this she co-founded Radium institute in Paris and was the first Director there. She also was the first woman to be honored with having her ashes being kept in the Pantheon in Paris for her own personal achievements. If she didn't believe in herself would she have been able to do all this during the late 1800's and early 1900's? Probably not. She went through a lot before getting to the point in her life that she could make all her wonderful acheivements. If she chose to listen to what the general population believed a woman should have been doing during that time era then she wouldn't have reached her potential in life. Without her acheivements our medical science might not be as advance as it is today. Who knows how long it would have taken for someone else to have her vision?

I grew up believing I could reach the stars if that is what I really wanted. It wasn't for until I was around the age of 16 that I first realized what people thought o f my potential. Granted the people who knew me believed I would acheive great things, but there were others who didn't see that potential. At 16 I moved to a small hick town. If you have ever grown up in  such a place you know how rumors and stereotypes are. It didn't help that I was new to the town (or so the people there thought). All that mattered was that I was poor, a female, and I had large breasts. Those things all added up to I must be easy and I have no future without marrying up. Of course I wasn't easy. They couldn't have been farther from the truth. I was a virgin for until a month after my 22nd birthday. Yet that didn't matter to the people spreading the lies in town. It didn't matter that I had only dated one person in town or that I was smart. What mattered was what other people said and believed. That one guy I dated well his mother didn't like me due to those rumors. She never tried to get to know me or find out if those rumors were true. All she knew is she heard I was a slut. So she was determined I was going to get pregnant and ruin her son's future. Granted if he had his way that would have been a possibility. What she didn't realize was that I wasn't ruining my future for her son. This was my first experience with the idea of what someone else's idea of my potential was.

The next one happened when I was about 21. It was for similar reasons, but was a lot nicer. You see I was working at a Circle K on 19th Ave and Buckeye at the time I met him. Things were still really rough for me during that time and I was living over there with my oldest sister. Even though things were rough I had never given up hope that I would do something great some day one way or another. This guy I met at that time was a kind of shy guy, he was really sweet, and kind of cute in a geeky kind of way. The truth is he was a wonderful guy and I sometimes wish things would have happened differently. Then the problems started. You see he started his dream career. At that point he started thinking...................    Which wouldn't have been a problem had he listened to me while he was thinking. People communication is the biggest downfall of most relationships. Great he communicated with his family and friends, but he didn't act like he could hear me. Which is why we aren't together any more and probably never will be even if I ran into him today. I can make a lot of assumptions as to why he started saying the things he did to me, but all I know for sure is how those things made me feel. Which was like he didn't know me and didn't believe in me as a person. I felt like he wanted me to become a different person. He started telling me how I should dress. Then the whole thing about proper etiquette started. I get he wanted to smooze his new boss and move up the food chain. The problem was this. I know proper etiquette. It has been a hobby of mine to pick up magazines and books about it since I was in grade school. I know odd. I have even dreamed of finding and buying antique books on etiquette. At one time I could tell you what the name of the top etiquette book was during the height of etiquette. I have forgotten now, but at one time I knew it and if someone said it I would remember. The point is I know a grapefruit spoon, an hordoeuvers fork, a shrimp fork, a dessert spoon, a real soup spoon, a dinner fork, and a true salad for. Most people don't even realize there are technical differences in each of these such as size, prongs, jagged edges, and shape. I was taught this by my Mother at a young age. I had Grandparent's on both sides who were big on proper manners and an older sister who was obsessed with etiquette. I swear you would have thought she planned on marrying royalty some day with how she obsessed over it. I admit some of those things have slipped with age. Mainly due to no need for it in my life, but at the time he was lecturing me it was all still very fresh in my mind. I tried to explain to him that I knew proper etiquette, but yet he still wouldn't listen to me. He argued with me about it. Why did he assume I didn't know how to dress appropriatley and how to eat appropriately at a fancy meal? The reason was simple I was poor, I was living in a bad neighborhood in a trailer that was falling apart, and I liked to wear Goth clothes at the time. I was 21 so yes I liked the style of the classic goth dresses and blouses.I like fishnet stockings and lace up granny boots. It looked good on me and it wasn't like I was doing the black makeup. I had regular makeup and regular hair with the fancier more feminine Goth clothes. You know the ones that have more of an old fashioned touch to them. Oh yes and my favorite reason he gave as to why I needed guidance and help I hadn't gone to college yet. Wow! Really! It wasn't like I hadn't tried to find a way straight out of High School. Things just didn't work out as planned. So what did I do? I picked up my broken dreams, put them in a sack for until I could find a way to put them back together or reshape them into something beautiful. The funny part is despite me trying to talk to him about my feelings about all this and him not really listening I was still willing to let it go and try. Up for until he made the mistakke of having a conversation with me basicly telling me I needed him to acheive my dreams. Once again someone else's idea about my potential. I have potential, but once again it was believed I needed to marry up to acheive it.

Now is a different story though. I have a great job. I have a nice apartment/condo (I call it an apartment since I am not going to buy it). Plus I have my Associates degree and plan on going on to my Bachelors once I feel I can handle taking classes again. I did all this withoug going into debt for my education and with out getting married to someone to support me along the way. The problem I have now is this people don't understand me. When I describe my past and where I am from I get the look and attitude of "Ya, right. Whatever. Don't lie." from people. I get asked why don't you have a driver's licencse? When I explain my situation they tell me "Stop making excuses and just do it. It isn't that hard." I never said it was hard. I said things haven't lined up right for me to do so. Partially due to my family. Partially due to my own hang ups when I was younger and partially due to life isn't fair. It has taken me my whole life to get to this point in my life. This point where my life is drama free and I can live my life for me. If you don't know about my life before this point. Let me just say it was a bit like a rollercoaster ride, mixed with a horror movie, then add some epic romance scenes, and don't forget the being there for everyone else when they need it part. Finally after 32 years I can say "I did it." I made it to where I can survive on my own. I can get an education and a good job without a man getting me there. I didn't sleep my way to this place either. I got here with hard work, dedication, believing in myself, and never giving up no matter what happened. Getting here was never about money for me. It was about proving to myself I could do it. That if I had a family and I needed to take care of them I could. Now I know I could if I had to do it on my own.

The funny part about all of this is I didn't realize most of this (with the exception of my own thoughts) for until recenlty. Some how the change in how people see me now made me realize how people see other people's potential. They see potential based off of how good your family is, how much money you have, your education, your sex, your neighborhood, how you dress, and even sometimes the color of someone's skin. These things don't tell you someone's potential.

I have met people who came from good homes, who had money growing up, who's parents sent them to college and encouraged it. Some of those people are the ones who drift from job to job and can't function on their own. So if I made it past all the odds people said were against me and those people had all the things I was told I needed then how does that theory work?

Growing up I never realized my messed up family, their income, the side of town I lived in, the size of my breasts, my sex, or any other thing outside my control was suppose to decide my potential. All I knew is that if I wanted to acheive greatness then I could. All I had to do was believe and never stop trying for it. If I did this then eventually the door would open for me to walk through. Nothing chnaged about me in all these years. Well nothing that important at least. The core person I am is still the same. My past is still my past. I moved a lot, I lived in houses, tents, a school bus, apartments, trailers, and an RV. I watched abuse of different types happen to those I loved and to me. I have had people try ot push me down and try to hold me back. I was poor and shy at one time. I have dated psychos and loosers. I have dated great guys who didn't know how to communicate with me or maybe I didn't know how to communicate with them. The point is you have the potential to do anything. Don't let others decide for you what you can do or can't. Other people are wrong. They get hung up on what their own ideas are and won't break free to see the real you. Only you know what you want and if you want it then it is up to you to go get it. That isn't to say that you won't find people who will help you get there. Some people will see the truth about you even when you don't see the potential in yourself. If you are to listen to anyone then listen to the people who tell you that you have potential. Just don't let the box thinkrs hold you back. It is the dreamers and those who rose above the typical thought patterns who acheived the impossible. They make the changes in our society. They can change how the masses think. It once was believed the Earth was flat, once people believed the sun revolved around the Earth, once it was believed a person was less of a person due to skin color. Now we know the Earth is roud, the Earth revolves around the sun, and that people are all equal no matter what. These thoughts were brought about by one person standing up and saying they know they have the potential to change it.

It is us the free thinkers that will acheive the great acheivements of the future. The reason being is we won't let the tide pull us down. We will rise again. We will dust ourselves off and keep going. Falling is a part of tha tpath. The difference is we won't let the falls break us. Decide your potential. I would love to hear what you overcame or how different people gauged your potential. How did you overcome those ideas? Did it break you or make you stronger?

Blessings Surround Us

I was trying to think of a topic to write about today and even though I have a list of topics this one kept popping in my head. As with most of my blogs I am not sure where this one will lead me, but I am sure as I start to write something will come. Maybe that is a blessing as well. Maybe this will reach someone who needs it and it will be a blessing for them. So here it is.

Every day I think about the many things that have occured in my life. Some of those things are good and some of them have been bad. I try not to focus on the bad things and when I do I try to find the answer as to why they happened. It is my belief that everything happens for a reason and that good can come from anything when you look hard enough.

Maybe I should start with what my definition of a blessing is. A blessing is something good that happens. This can be  something smll or something that is very large. It can come in the form of a miracle or a simple thing as a person smiling at you when you have had a hard day. You see I believe we are surrounded by blessings every day.

Some of the blessings I have seen are these. The smile of a mother when she looks at her child. The day a child is born. When a father who was scared and uncertain of being a father holds his child for the first time. A childs first smile. The first laugh of a child. Every day a parent spends with their child while they are growing up. Time spent between a Grandparent and their Grandchild. A hug when someone is crying. Hearing that someone is a cancer survivor after they were told they wouldn't survive. The faith of a child in everything from Santa to the Tooth Fairy. Even their faith in their parents and God. A person who speaks to the new person in a group before anyone else does. When someone sees another person and goes out of their way to make them smile just because they can. A flower in bloom. The gift of flowers. Love. Happiness. Joy. Being rescued when you are lost or injured. Friends. Family. Sunsets. Sunrises. The moon and stars. The ocean. Rain. All of these and so much more are blessings in their own ways.

When was the last time you stopped to think of the different blessings in your life? What do you think of as blessings?

Giving Thanks

I am sorry I haven't written anything in a few days. I have been busy and haven't gotten around to working on my blog. It is my plan to work harder on trying to continue doing this everyday. So with that said here is my new blog.

With Thanksgiving coming up so quick next week I thought it would be nice to write a blog about giving thanks for everthing we have in our lives.

Let me first start out with a list of the things I am thankful for. There are so many things I am thankful for so I will start from the beginning. I am most thankful for having a wonderful Mother who did her best at protecting her children, showing us the love of God, raising us to see the beauty in life and the beauty in the differences of people and things. She showed us how to be creative and use our imaginations. She taught us the importance of being children and having fun. I learned how to cook without using a recipe from her and I learned how to love from her. She taught me children need space to grow and to not be judgemental or controlling of their actions, but to guide them gently with suggestions and reason. There never was a time I can remember growing up that she ever told me I couldn't do something or to not do something. Instead she would suggest I try this instead or she would explain why another path might be better then the one I was going down. She taught me how to think through my problems, but to also follow my heart. I know there were many times she didn't agree with my choices, but she never was cross with me when I was young. Instead she was supportive and tried to give me a chance. That isn't to say that we never had our problems or that she was perfect. I am just saying she was the best mother she could be and I learned so much from her.

The next thing I am thankful for may come as a surprise for some, but I am thankful for my Father. Yes, my Father and I had a lot of problems and he definintly wasn't a perfect Father. Yet I am thankful for the things I did learn from him and the fact that he didn't pass on some of his issues to his children. My Father taught me to love nature. He taught me about birds and about animals. I learned about wild plants from him and he taught me about the Wild West. My love for camping came from him and my love for reading about the characters of the West came from him. He was the one who encourged me to try to doing some beading and he encouraged me to learn about other cultures. There were times when he would help me with my homework and he helped me find information that would have been hard for me to find. This was especially true if my assignment was about WWII or about Native Americans. He also taught me about tools and how to build things. I may not be as good at it as some of my siblings, but I definiantly can fumble my way through reparing things or making things if I set my mind to it. I am also thankful that my Father chose not to pass on some of his own beliefs that he realized were bad. That could have been due to him being married to my Mother or maybe some how he realized it on his own. Either way the point is he realized that some of his own hangups weren't what he wanted to pass on to his kids. I won't go into those problems right now out of respect for my Father. Lets just say it taught me that even when a parent has a problem of their own if they realize the destructiveness of it they can hide it from their children well enough not to pass it on. That to me was a great accomplishment for my Father. He raised five children and he successfully raised us without some of his own issues. If he can do that I know any parent could. I am very thankful for that lesson.

One of the other things I am thankful for is my Grandparents. I didn't get to know my Father's parents very well due to my Grandma Bayless died when I was about 6 or 7 and his Father was senial by that time. What I did learn though from them before all that is. That snapdragons can talk and are very beautiful flowers. Rhubarb pie is wonderful when it is made right. That when playing cards with kids it is fun to let them make up their own rules sometimes and even let them change them in the middle of the game. To never let a child miss watching such movies as Mary Poppins or Sound of Music. That magnets on the fridge are alright to let kids play with and you should even encourage it. What else are they for? That Christmas should always be a special day and should have a special magical feel to it.

The lessons I learned from my Mom's parents were a little more since I had them around for a lot longer time. My Grandma Jones taught me so much. She taught me to love all animals big or small. To never give up hope on anything whether it be a plant that looks dead or a person who needs help. Either way if given enough love you can help them to grow. She taught me that God was ever loving and caring. She taught me that no matter what if I lean on God he will help me through the hardest times and would protect me. I learned that walking even the same path every day can be an adventure since you can always find something new each day. She taught me that the world is a beautiful place and that all we have to do is open our hearts and minds to see it. Many times she tried teaching me that if I didn't have anything nice to say then to say nothing at all. She taught me the beauty in music and song. That every child should be held at night, sang to, read a story, and tucked into bed with a hug, smile, and kiss. My Grandpa Jones taught me a lot as well. Such as the beauty of family current and past. The simple pleasure of sitting quietly with someone you love and just enjoying knowing they are there. That when a child asks a silly question about the clouds moving and shaping into different shapes whether that was due to God preparing our home that you just answer maybe with a smile and a twinkle of the eye. That people can do many things in this life and still have a love of learning and seeing new things. That postage stamps are really cool to collect. They both also taught me that there is such a thing as real love. That no one should ever settle for anything less then the person they really love, because real love is more beautiful and more powerful then anything else in the world.

I am also thankful for all my friends each one of them. They have been there for me when I needed someone the most. They have taught me to believe in myself and that I am stronger then I ever thought was possible. When I needed some where to hide from the world they gave me a sanctuary to recover and find myself again. They have defended me from others and taught me to stand up for myself. They also taught me that sometimes it is best to walk away. My friends remind me of who I am when life gets to me and I almost forget what makes me special. They remind me to forgive those who have hurt me and they remind me to learn from my mistakes. My friends remind me to judge a person by who they are not by who they were or might be. They remind me of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Then they give me the strength to carry on so I can be that person. When I get sad and lonely they pick me up and remind me that I am not alone. They remind me that I am special and that some day I will find the person who will see and appreciate that. My friends don't judge me or persecute me. They don't try to change me or shape me to be what they think I should be. Instead they love me for who I am. This is what being truly blessed to me. Is having people who love you no matter what you have done or who you are.

I am also thankful for my wonderful siblings. My oldest sister Debbie may not be perfect, but I love her any way. We may not always get along, but there have been some good times together. She taught me that sometimes loving someone isn't enough. Sometimes you love someone, but due to circumstances that they chose you have to walk away. That doesn't mean you ever stop loving them. It just means you realize staying with them isn't healthy for you. I am thankful I was only given one brother, but what a brother he is. He has helped me when I needed help. I will say I couldn't have asked for a better brother if I tried. Now the last two sisters of mine are the two who taught me the most growing up. The reason being is they were the ones who were always around. Ginger taught me about fashion and what looks good. She also taught me that a person can be strong and beautiful at the same time. Ginger was also the one that taught me about drawing and art of all kinds. She has a natural talent for learning how to do all kinds of crafts. Granted I think she let some of it slip by not focusing on it as much as time went by, but I think if she finds herself again she will find it as well. Sandy taught me about writing. She taught me that poetry doesn't have to rhyme or follow a certain pattern all poetry needs to do is have rhythm to it. Sandy also taught me that it is alright to be free to think outside the box. She was elegant and kind of a free spirit. There were many times she reminded me of a Pixie or an eccentric writer from the Victorian days. It also was Sandy who taught me to love literature and taught me about old myths. Yes, I learned so much from both of them. They taught me how to follow directions in a recipe and how to make scrambled eggs. They also taught me how sisters should be. That they should always stand up and protect each other and that no one but them could pick on the others. I am blessed to have had so many teachers growing up. How would I have ended up without them?

Along with all that I am thankful for my current job and the path that brought me to it. My beautiful home even though I am still renting. The lessons I have learned in life and that my life wasn't as bad as it could have been. I may have been through a lot of bad things, but I know it could have been worse. I am thankful for the teachers I was given in school while I was growing up. If it hadn't been for some of them I don't think I would have made it through. I am also thankful that I was born in the United States of America. I wouldn't want to have been born in any other country.

It is these blessings that give me strength when I need it. When I find myself thinking about the worst things in life I start trying to remind myself what I have to be thankful for. What are you thankful for? Please leave a comment of what you  are thankful for below if you would like to share. Also if you liked this post please repost. If you have Facebook then just press the F that is the Facebook icon and if you want to send it in an e-mail you can chose the envelope. You can also become a fan by chosing fan at the upper right hand corner. I hope you enjoyed this post.

Where is home?

It has always been weird for me to talk about where I am from or where I call home. People always get confused when I try to explain where I am from. If I say I originally came from Nampa, ID then they start talking about Nampe like I should know something about it. You see the problem is when I was about six years my family started moving a lot. This started due to an economy similar to the one we are in now. My Father lost his job and he wasn't able to find a new one in Nampa. It got so bad that my parents called a family meeting to announce that if my Dad didn't find a job soon he was going to have to leave so that my Mom could get assistance to take care of us kids. Not long after that meeting my Father came up with a job working construction. It was for a company that lease employees out to the gas and oil companies. This caused my family to move any were from a few months to every year and a half depending on the job. This lasted for until my third grade year when my Dad got a blood clot. We still moved around after that, but it started slowing down.

You see most people even if they move as a young child they only move once maybe twice. This is excluding military kids. So when asked where I am from and I answer "I moved a lot" the next question is "Were you a military brat?". Which then I on top of answering where I am from I now have to explain why we moved so much when my Dad wasn't in the military at the time. This still is a problem for me and it actually has gotten worse. Now people ask questions like "So are you going home for the holidays?" or when I am going on vacation "Are you going home?" How am I suppose to answer these questions? My parents live in Wyoming now in a town I have never lived in. On top of that I have never liked Wyoming due to events that occured when I lived there the first time. My worst memories occured there both at home and in school. So calling it home in any way goes against everything I believe in.

Then there is the whole thing with my obvious love for Oregon. So most people automatically assume I grew up in Oregon. Which I guess is as close as I get to having a home. Oregon was a part of my life before moving due to my Mom's parents lived in Ashland and we visited them every summer before the moving started. There is also the fact that at one poing my sisters, my Mom, my brother, and I went to live with my Grandparents in Ashland. Then between my fourth and fifth grade year my parents decided to move to the Coast of Oregon. We ended up landing in the area of Reedsport and North Bend. We spent four years there and it started out rocky. Then right before we ended up moving again the most amazing thing in my life happened. For the first time in my life a group of people brought me into their fold. Before that I had people who befriended me, but never a group of people who accepted me. For the first time in my life since all the moving started I belonged some where. After that it didn't matter any more where I was or what other people thought. I learned to believe in myself. I learned what home was.

Home is the place where the people who love you accept you. They accept your quirky ways.When you are sad they are the ones who make you smile. Home is the place where no matter how much distance is between you and the people you love they make the distance seem shorter. So I guess for me home is where my friends are. It doesn't matter if I am in Oregon, Arizona, or where I am as long as my friends are there. You can also throw my family in there too, but good luck at getting them all in the same room without an ackward moment. Getting all my friends in place is a better bet unfortunately. That doesn't mean I am giving up on trying to get my whole family together and have it be peaceful. It just means I am going to keep praying and keep believing in miracles. It will take a miracle to make it happen.

I hope you all enjoyed this. Please pass it on if you did and if you want to continue reading my future posts please go to the top of the page and become a fan. Happy Holidays.

Beauty is Everywhere

There is a Navajo prayer that I read once that best describes my feelings on beauty. Currenty I can't find the book I read it in even though I know I own it, but here is the closest I found to it online.

On the trail of beauty, there I wander
In the house of happiness, there I wander
Beauty before me, there I wander
Beauty behind me, there I wander
Beauty above me, there I wander
Beauty below me, there I wander
All around me, in old age traveling
On the trail of beauty, with beauty I wander
With beauty I wander.

Many people seem to wander through their lives and forget to stop to see the beauty that is surrounding them the whole time. We get busy with work, kids, spouses, family, friends, errands, all the things that we need to get done. Then at the end of the day we are tired. Mean while we miss the settle beauty of a cloud in the sky or the small flower on the ground that we passed on our way to the mailbox. We miss the beauty in a spider and its web. The beauty of the designs in a rock that was laying on the ground. We even miss the beauty in the situations we find ourselves in throughout our lifes.

When things are going wrong in our life all we see is the ugliness of the moment. How often have you stopped to see what good might come from those problems? Do you see the things you learned from those situations? Have you thought about how many other people might be able to benefit from the knowledge you found? Sometimes we aren't able to see these things for until the hard times have passed and that is alright.  The point is if you look hard enough you can find something beautiful in it. Sometimes you might need to use that pain or that hard time to help another in order to make it a beautiful moment. It might even be the fact that someone stopped for a moment to help you that made it beautiful. Maybe some how that moment years later lead you down a path that you might not have gone down originally, but that path brought you to something beautiful. Maybe you met the love of your life due to one moment of hard times you ended up moving or you ended up at a job that later lead you to the place you met them at. Maybe that heartbreak you had when you were younger opened you up to be availabe for that love of your life. That heartbreak may have even prepared you to know when you found the person you love and made you appreciate them that much more. There is beauty in every situation. Beauty isn't just in the good times.

Here is another thought for you to ponder. When everything is going wrong do you ever stop for  just a moment take a deep breath and try to remember the things that are going right? Such things as having a loved one who is there by your side and is helping you through those hard times. Your child who may not realize Mom or Dad is struggling with paying the bills, but still looks at you with those loving eyes and admiration. The child who just wants to see you smile and so crawls in your lap to give you a hug. The friends who through everything still are there with an encouraging word to remind you that your not alone even if you feel like you are. Or how about the friends that take a dark moment and turn it around to be something outrageous and funny. Sometimes we need to just stop and look around us to see the beauty that surrounds us. It is there all the time. We just need to open our hearts and eyes to see it.

As there is beauty in all that we do the good and the bad there is also beauty in our surroundings. Have you ever looked at a photograph, a work of art, heard a song, or read words and wondered how do they see all that? The answer is they were looking for it. They kept their eyes and hearts open for the beauty of inspiration. One of my hobbies is photography. I am not going to say I am good at it, but I enjoy trying to find new ways to take pictures of things. So this hobby has lead me to read articles here and there and pick up books and magazines on photography. One of my favorites being Arizona Highways. The photographs in there are beyond beautiful and they mix their articles with stories behind the pictures along with what the photographer was thinking when they took the picture. If you ever read articles or interviews with artists of any sort where they discribe what they were thinking when they created a masterpiece you will find most of the time they were just struck with the beauty they saw and had to capture it. This amazes me. Especially as I started looking at more and more photography. One of the things I found most photographers end up learning at some point (especially nature or landscape photographers) is to look closer at things. Don't just look at the big picture, but start looking inside the big picture. In the recent issue of Arizona Highways one of my favorite pictures is a close shot of a drop of dew that is just barely hanging off of a flower. The amazing part of this picture is that if you look inside the drop of dew you can see a full picture of a neighboring flower. My point about this is what would have happened if this photographer hadn't stopped to see that drop of dew and decided to take a close up picture of it. That beautiful moment would have been missed and wouldn't have become a beautiful picture. It is due to such thoughts as this that has caused me to try to remember to look around me at the big pictures and the small ones as I go through my life looking for the beauty that an artist may see. Try it tomorrow. Look around you. Look in front of you. Look to each side. Look above you. Even look below you and see what beauty you may find. I would love to hear what you see.

Another thought came to me when I was discribing the picture of the dew hanging off the flower. The picture of the dew is similar to our lives. The drop of dew is our lives so small that sometimes we don't see the larger more beautiful picture within it. That beautiful picture is you.

The Epidemic of Selfcenteredness

On my way home I starteed talking to someone and the conversation some how ended up on the problems of the world. Which inevitably lead to discussing how selfcentered people can be at times. We are all guilty of it. Most of us know it is wrong to be that way and yet we all some how end up there.

So my thought is what leads us to this urge to think about ourselves before we think about others? I have heard many reasons that people have given and I have even come up with some of my own at times. Granted thinking of yourself at times is a good thing. It only becomes a problem when it starts becoming a habit or it becomes your first reaction.

One of the reasons I have heard for people to be selfcentered is that "No one else is going to look out for me." Even I have been guilty of this thought at times and I have even justified it with how can I help another if I can't help myself first. Sometimes this is a good thought to have and it is one I have been told I need to think of more often. Yet I have to believe when looking out for yourself gets in the way of helping a person in need or causes you to be rude to someone who is being nice then it has gone to far. I understand that we all have been taken advantage of by people who seemed to have good intentions, but in reality they were just pretending. Trust me I have fell victim to this more times then I can count. That is why my friends keep telling me I need to be more selfish. On the other hand I don't want to be the person who hurts someone who is truly just trying to be nice. Especially since I have been on the receiving end of such things. There have been many times I have been accused of wanting something, being fake, or even kissing ass when all I was doing was being kind and caring. The part that is worst is I see other people do the same things I did and they get commended for it while I get persecuted. This leads me to wonder when do we decide to put our blocks up and when should we just ride the storm to see what happens? Is it how a person dresses? How about how they carry themselves? What makes people trust one type of a person, but not another even when the action is sincere? Obviously the conartists of the world have figured it out. So why can't we?

Another thing I hear when people are defending their selfcenteredness is "I would have helped, but I am busy." We are all busy and yet when we need someone we all want someone to take the time to help. What stops us from postponing that night out to be there for a friend? Don't get me wrong going to work, being there for your kids or spouse, or appointments that can't be canceled are important. What I have a problem with is when I see people tell a friend they are busy and can't be there for them due to something that can be postponed. Then that same person turns around and asks that same friend to drop everything, because they need someone. Most people have done this at some point. They chose to go on a date instead of calling their date up and rescheduling to be there for a friend. People chose staying home with their spouse and doing nothing instead of just taking a moment for a friend that needs them at that time. They chose to go shopping or a to go out dancing. I am not saying that if you have a friend who is always in a crisis that you should constantly drop everything for them. What I am saying is if you have that friend who rarely asks for anything and they make that call maybe you should think about why they are making that call. Take it from someone who has dropped everything when her friends and family needed her. Granted I don't do it as much now due to having people take advantage of it. Yet I have spent many nights alone crying, because when I reached out to someone they were busy. This isn't about whether I have good friends or not. The people I call my friends have proven themselves time and time again. Whenever I have needed them they have been there. Those friends I don't blame when they say they are busy. It is the other people. The ones that I have seen time and time again expect so much from others and yet give so little of themselves. They are the ones I wonder about when they say they are busy when a friend reaches out for help during a dark moment. Especially when that friend was there for them during their darkest hours.

May favorite thing I have heard as of yet when people are confronted with their selfcenteredness is "Do to them before they have a chance to do to you." Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Doesn't that make you the same as them? Yet these same people will complain about all the things that people have done to them. So now they feel they need to hurt more people just, because they got hurt. How is that fixing the problem? Shouldn't that be a sign of what you shouldn't do? Shouldn't the pain you felt remind you of what you don't want to become? I have been hurt by countless people in many states most of my life. I have had family hurt me deeper then anyone could. Yet I don't get this hurt others before they hurt you. I will never understand this and I don't think anyone should. Everytime someone hurt me all I could think is how I didn't want to do that to someone else. I am not saying I am innocent of hurting people. I am fully aware that I have been the cause of many people's pain, but I can guarantee you I never purposely went out of my way to hurt those people. There never was a time I thought "Hhhhhmmm!!!! This person might hurt me. Maybe I should do ______________ to them before they get the chance to do it to me." When I thought someone was out to hurt me I either tried talking to them about it or I walked away from them. If I couldn't do either of those then I did my best to stay out of their way for until I found a way out. Never in my life have I ever thought about hurting someone on purpose before they had a chance to hurt me. That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard of. I understand the reasoning to a point. I get it. Your hurt and it keeps happening. You just don't want to feel that way again. You have been used and you don't want to give them that chance again. I get it, but what I don't get is how you doing that same thing to someone else is fixing the problem. Think about it.

Another reason I have heard and seen is the fear of what other people might do or think. The times this has happen are beyond my ability to count. When I was young I moved around a lot and seen a lot. Many times being the new girl in a small town made me the perfect target for someone to decide not to like. Usually this person turned out to be a girl. She would look for a reason not to like me and tell everyone else. This ranged from my clothes, to my hair, to whatever she could find. I won't go into all the things that happened or how these things affected me here. To do so would require me to also go into the things that happened at home that also lead to some of my largest problems with fitting in. Those things aren't what I want to talk about at this time. What I want to talk about is what several people told me during those years when no one was around to hear it. The first time was when I was in 3rd grade. I was walking between the High School and Elementary School to meet up with my sisters to go home. This boy told his sister to catch up with him in a little bit. He came up on his bike and then walked with me long enough to tell me " I really like you and want to be your friend, but I am afraid of what everyone else would think if I was. I just wanted you to know that." Then he rode off. The next time this happened was a year later in 4th Grade. I was in the girls bathroom getting ready to go to recess when a couple of girls stopped me. In a whisper they told me "We really like you and we think you are nice. We just don't want to be made fun of too." These moments made me feel sad for those people and angry that they wouldn't stand up for what they wanted to do. Now that I am older and I have learned that if you don't care who likes you and who doesn't then they can't hurt you I don't feel angry any more for the followers. Instead I just feel deep sorrow for those people. You know the ones who chose to hurt another person just, because someone else starts it. I won't lie to you and say I have always said or stood up to people when they say something about someone. I wish I could. It isn't easy to do the right thing all the time and sometimes it can hurt you to do the right thing. What I would love to see is if more people would think about what they would want someone to do for them and then do it. At least for them to do it more often.

We all suffer from this epidimic and yes selfcenteredness has become an epidemic. When the majority of people will watch or walk by a person who is being hurt rather than help them so that they are safe that is an epidemic. How many of us see the news stories of children being hurt, women being abused, people being murdered and say how horrible? Yet how many of us see it happening and don't do anything? We hide behind reasons like "I don't want to get involved" "It isn't my problem" "It isn't any of my business" "If I get involved then I could get hurt". When are we going to stop being disgusted at hearing about it and start trying to help? I am not saying we can fix the world or stop an abused woman from going back to her abusive boyfriend or husband. What I am saying is if we see it and stand up or call the cops or do something then maybe we can stop it from happening that moment. Maybe we can give someone the courage they need to stop the cycle of self destruction they are in. We may even be able to make someone realize they aren't invisible. That they are worth caring about and make them start caring about themselves. Isn't it worth it just to help that one person. Maybe we can be there when someone needs someone the most and prevent them from killing themselves. Just by thinking about someone other than ourselves for a moment. One moment can change a person's life. Even if you never see that change trust me it is worth it. The next time you see someone crying try stopping just for a moment to ask them if they are alright. You might be the person that makes them realize they matter. Even if it is just for a moment.

The Oddities of Growing Up

When I was young all I ever wanted to do was get married to a guy who loved me for who I was have lots of children and be a stay at home mom. I even went as far as thinking that my first kiss would be on my wedding day. Granted all of this was a young girls dreams.

As I got older I realized the idea of falling in love and having my first kiss on my wedding day was foolish. This was pointed out by a couple of close friends of mine while playing Truth or Dare. Yet I always thought when I grew up I would find a way to be a stay at home Mom and meet Mr. Right.

As time went on I realized the idea of being a stay at home Mom in this day and age was highly unlikely. So I started thinking about careers that I could do that would still allow me to be there for my family and would help make the world a better place. As time went on I decided I wanted to be a Psychiatrist. This would allow me to help the people who were hurting in the world and allow me the time needed to be there for my family when I found them.

My best friend growing up had dreams as well. Her dreams were to have a career in business. Maybe get married, but she wasn't worried about if she did or not. The one thing she knew she didn't want was kids. She wanted to travel the world and have a great career. She was well on her way to having everything she wanted it seemed like when we were in school.

While I was growing up I also went to church every Sunday and I went to Missionettes and Youth Group meetings during the week. These weren't things my parents made me do. These were things I chose to do on my own accord. You see my parents had a fight before I can even remember about religion. My Father had decided he wanted us all to be Mormon since his best friend was Mormon and my Mother didn't want us to be. So the compromise was to let us make our own choice. My sisters who were 4 and 6 years older then me always chose a church to go to every time we moved. I of course went with them, but even after they moved out and went their own ways when I was still in grade school I still found my own way to church.

My best friend believed in God, but chose not to go to church when we were in school. She had a Bible in her room, but she didn't read it very often. She had her own ideas and that was fine.

During the time I went to school I wore a lot of dresses and liked dressing up just for fun. My best friend never wore dresses and only dressed up when she was made to.

I made these comparisons to show you how different my best friend and I were. Our goals were different, our way of dealing with religion were different, and how we chose to dress were different. Now let me tell you how our lives have turned out since we grew up.

I am now working in a large company under their Corporate counterpart. I work in a cube imputting information into a system that then feeds out to the other systemsand allows the employees to access their systems and their managers to pull the necessary reports that they need to pull. I am single and never been married. At this time I have no kids and I am in my early thirties. Granted I would still love to meet Mr. Right and have a family, but at this time that hasn't happened. I go into a million theories of why I am still single, but none of them really matter. The point is I just haven't found that guy who loves me for me that I love back that I could be happy with. There have been men I loved all of them had their good points. They just didn't want the same things I did. I know wear mainly pants and I hardly ever wear dresses. Not because I don't like dresses, but they can be a hassle in 115 degrees heat. It is just sometimes easier to wear pants. I don't go to church very often. Partially because everytime I find a church something happens that makes me realize it isn't a good fit for me or I get busy with just trying to survive and I don't get around to it. I still believe in God and I say prayers through out my day. I always pray before I eat, before I go to bed, whenever something happens in my life or anothers life, or I see or hear something that reminds me of how wonderful this world is.

My best friend is now happily married to a wonderful guy. She has two amazing boys and she works from home for her Church. She is active in her Church and so is her whole family. She cooks from scratch as much as she can and tries to grow her own garden. Did I meantion she only wears skirts now as well. She has ended up in the life I always wanted when I was growing up. They struggle at times and have had their ups and downs, but in the end they always find a way to make it work. I couldn't be more proud of her if she had decided to go into business or became a politician. She has found the things in life that are the most important and she found them without trying. She met her husband and ended up pregnant when she wasn't execting to. She had a wonderful son who helped her start going to church. Her second son has had problems with his health, but has never let his spirit break. He is a wonderful reminder that no matter what we should think of others.

You would think I should be jealous that my friend has found everything I have spent my whole life searching for. Especially since she never really was looking for it in the first place. Yet I can't help thinking that if God came to me and gave me the option to chose: Giving up my dream so she could have a family and know that joy or receiving my dream and her receiving her dream of having a career. I know I would have chosen giving up my dream so she could know the joy of having a family of her own. Everything happens for a reason and I am not saying I won't find the right guy. I am not saying I won't have my family some day. What I am saying is I hope all the good people in the world find that love that I know is out there. I hope they know the joy of having someone love them for who they were, who they are, and who they will be. I hope they know the joy of having a child ask them for guidance. It doesn't matter if that child is from their own genes or if that child is theirs through a marriage of the one they love. Just as long as they know that joy.