On my way home I starteed talking to someone and the conversation some how ended up on the problems of the world. Which inevitably lead to discussing how selfcentered people can be at times. We are all guilty of it. Most of us know it is wrong to be that way and yet we all some how end up there.
So my thought is what leads us to this urge to think about ourselves before we think about others? I have heard many reasons that people have given and I have even come up with some of my own at times. Granted thinking of yourself at times is a good thing. It only becomes a problem when it starts becoming a habit or it becomes your first reaction.
One of the reasons I have heard for people to be selfcentered is that "No one else is going to look out for me." Even I have been guilty of this thought at times and I have even justified it with how can I help another if I can't help myself first. Sometimes this is a good thought to have and it is one I have been told I need to think of more often. Yet I have to believe when looking out for yourself gets in the way of helping a person in need or causes you to be rude to someone who is being nice then it has gone to far. I understand that we all have been taken advantage of by people who seemed to have good intentions, but in reality they were just pretending. Trust me I have fell victim to this more times then I can count. That is why my friends keep telling me I need to be more selfish. On the other hand I don't want to be the person who hurts someone who is truly just trying to be nice. Especially since I have been on the receiving end of such things. There have been many times I have been accused of wanting something, being fake, or even kissing ass when all I was doing was being kind and caring. The part that is worst is I see other people do the same things I did and they get commended for it while I get persecuted. This leads me to wonder when do we decide to put our blocks up and when should we just ride the storm to see what happens? Is it how a person dresses? How about how they carry themselves? What makes people trust one type of a person, but not another even when the action is sincere? Obviously the conartists of the world have figured it out. So why can't we?
Another thing I hear when people are defending their selfcenteredness is "I would have helped, but I am busy." We are all busy and yet when we need someone we all want someone to take the time to help. What stops us from postponing that night out to be there for a friend? Don't get me wrong going to work, being there for your kids or spouse, or appointments that can't be canceled are important. What I have a problem with is when I see people tell a friend they are busy and can't be there for them due to something that can be postponed. Then that same person turns around and asks that same friend to drop everything, because they need someone. Most people have done this at some point. They chose to go on a date instead of calling their date up and rescheduling to be there for a friend. People chose staying home with their spouse and doing nothing instead of just taking a moment for a friend that needs them at that time. They chose to go shopping or a to go out dancing. I am not saying that if you have a friend who is always in a crisis that you should constantly drop everything for them. What I am saying is if you have that friend who rarely asks for anything and they make that call maybe you should think about why they are making that call. Take it from someone who has dropped everything when her friends and family needed her. Granted I don't do it as much now due to having people take advantage of it. Yet I have spent many nights alone crying, because when I reached out to someone they were busy. This isn't about whether I have good friends or not. The people I call my friends have proven themselves time and time again. Whenever I have needed them they have been there. Those friends I don't blame when they say they are busy. It is the other people. The ones that I have seen time and time again expect so much from others and yet give so little of themselves. They are the ones I wonder about when they say they are busy when a friend reaches out for help during a dark moment. Especially when that friend was there for them during their darkest hours.
May favorite thing I have heard as of yet when people are confronted with their selfcenteredness is "Do to them before they have a chance to do to you." Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Doesn't that make you the same as them? Yet these same people will complain about all the things that people have done to them. So now they feel they need to hurt more people just, because they got hurt. How is that fixing the problem? Shouldn't that be a sign of what you shouldn't do? Shouldn't the pain you felt remind you of what you don't want to become? I have been hurt by countless people in many states most of my life. I have had family hurt me deeper then anyone could. Yet I don't get this hurt others before they hurt you. I will never understand this and I don't think anyone should. Everytime someone hurt me all I could think is how I didn't want to do that to someone else. I am not saying I am innocent of hurting people. I am fully aware that I have been the cause of many people's pain, but I can guarantee you I never purposely went out of my way to hurt those people. There never was a time I thought "Hhhhhmmm!!!! This person might hurt me. Maybe I should do ______________ to them before they get the chance to do it to me." When I thought someone was out to hurt me I either tried talking to them about it or I walked away from them. If I couldn't do either of those then I did my best to stay out of their way for until I found a way out. Never in my life have I ever thought about hurting someone on purpose before they had a chance to hurt me. That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard of. I understand the reasoning to a point. I get it. Your hurt and it keeps happening. You just don't want to feel that way again. You have been used and you don't want to give them that chance again. I get it, but what I don't get is how you doing that same thing to someone else is fixing the problem. Think about it.
Another reason I have heard and seen is the fear of what other people might do or think. The times this has happen are beyond my ability to count. When I was young I moved around a lot and seen a lot. Many times being the new girl in a small town made me the perfect target for someone to decide not to like. Usually this person turned out to be a girl. She would look for a reason not to like me and tell everyone else. This ranged from my clothes, to my hair, to whatever she could find. I won't go into all the things that happened or how these things affected me here. To do so would require me to also go into the things that happened at home that also lead to some of my largest problems with fitting in. Those things aren't what I want to talk about at this time. What I want to talk about is what several people told me during those years when no one was around to hear it. The first time was when I was in 3rd grade. I was walking between the High School and Elementary School to meet up with my sisters to go home. This boy told his sister to catch up with him in a little bit. He came up on his bike and then walked with me long enough to tell me " I really like you and want to be your friend, but I am afraid of what everyone else would think if I was. I just wanted you to know that." Then he rode off. The next time this happened was a year later in 4th Grade. I was in the girls bathroom getting ready to go to recess when a couple of girls stopped me. In a whisper they told me "We really like you and we think you are nice. We just don't want to be made fun of too." These moments made me feel sad for those people and angry that they wouldn't stand up for what they wanted to do. Now that I am older and I have learned that if you don't care who likes you and who doesn't then they can't hurt you I don't feel angry any more for the followers. Instead I just feel deep sorrow for those people. You know the ones who chose to hurt another person just, because someone else starts it. I won't lie to you and say I have always said or stood up to people when they say something about someone. I wish I could. It isn't easy to do the right thing all the time and sometimes it can hurt you to do the right thing. What I would love to see is if more people would think about what they would want someone to do for them and then do it. At least for them to do it more often.
We all suffer from this epidimic and yes selfcenteredness has become an epidemic. When the majority of people will watch or walk by a person who is being hurt rather than help them so that they are safe that is an epidemic. How many of us see the news stories of children being hurt, women being abused, people being murdered and say how horrible? Yet how many of us see it happening and don't do anything? We hide behind reasons like "I don't want to get involved" "It isn't my problem" "It isn't any of my business" "If I get involved then I could get hurt". When are we going to stop being disgusted at hearing about it and start trying to help? I am not saying we can fix the world or stop an abused woman from going back to her abusive boyfriend or husband. What I am saying is if we see it and stand up or call the cops or do something then maybe we can stop it from happening that moment. Maybe we can give someone the courage they need to stop the cycle of self destruction they are in. We may even be able to make someone realize they aren't invisible. That they are worth caring about and make them start caring about themselves. Isn't it worth it just to help that one person. Maybe we can be there when someone needs someone the most and prevent them from killing themselves. Just by thinking about someone other than ourselves for a moment. One moment can change a person's life. Even if you never see that change trust me it is worth it. The next time you see someone crying try stopping just for a moment to ask them if they are alright. You might be the person that makes them realize they matter. Even if it is just for a moment.
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