Alone

I can't say I know how other people feel. I only know what I think, feel, and belileve. Honestly though from what I have heard people say I think we all feel alone at some point.

Tonight is one of those nights for me. Not sure why I feel that way. I have friends and I have family. Yet for some reason I have always felt alone. I take that back. There was one year of my life that I didn't feel alone. It was the best year of my life and the weird thing is that year felt like it was a lifetime.

I am not going to say that I know or understand why I am single. I have met some great guys when I was young and dated them. I also walked away from them. At that point I was young and I didn't know what love really was. All I knew is I was to young to settle down. It turns out that it was for the best I moved on. Some of them if I had stayed with them I might have fallen truly in love with them and when the time came to move it would have been harder then it was. Others I needed to find my own way and prove to myself that I could accomplish something. That I wasn't a failure and nothing. I had to prove I could succeed at something. That I could be good at something. It was a long hard road, but I proved to myself that I could succeed. I proved that I wasn't a failure. I proved to myself that maybe I was deserving of the friends I made and that they didn't have to always be there for me. I proved that I could be there for them too.

Shakespeare says "It is better to have loved and to have lost then to never have loved at all." At one point I would have argued that point. Now I realize he wasn't just talking about the love of a lover. He was talking about love in general. He was right. Losing someone you love hurts more than any other pain that you can imagine. My problem is I grew up where I rarely got to know anyone well enough to love them and if I did I always had to leave them. So I got use to people come and people go.

My whole life I have heard about how people grew up in a town and how they went to school with the same people.My whole life I wondered what that would be like. When I was younger I fought with one moment wanting that thinking maybe people would have liked me better if I had grown up with them. Then there was the thought that if I had then they would have had more years to torment me without any breaks from their cruelty. Now that I am older I can say the only sense of jealousy I have ever felt is for those people who grew up with the same group of people. It doesn't matter if those people were mean or nice to them. That history alone gives them a tie that isn't like anything I know. My past and my history is broken up. There isn't any person who can say they share my whole life with me. Even my two sisters who were closest to me went a way and forgot about me for a time. Granted my sister Ginger probably would be the closest person to having been there the whole time. The really weird thing is I had always felt closer to my sister Sandy for until recent years.

Now I think about my life here and there on nights like this. It makes me wonder.What if my life had been normal like most people's? Who would I be and where would I be? I am not saying I want to change my life or trade it with anyone. There is a reason I lived the life I did. It made me who I am. Maybe I am not perfect, but I believe I am a decent person. It is nights like this that I miss my best friend the most. She has her life now though and I have mine. We are miles apart, but she is the only person I feel I could tell anything to. When I know she is having a hard time or I am having a hard time all I want is to be there. It just really sucks how I got to meet the best person I know and become really good friends with her only to have to move so far away from her. Some day I hope to be able to move back near my friend, but as of yet I haven't found any logical plan to move back. Maybe it is for the best for both of us. I am not sure how though, but I have to believe that there is a plan greater than my own for everything.

I guess what I am saying is when you feel alone just remember you have people who love you. They may not always be able to be there when you feel you need them most, but that doesn't mean that they don't want to be. We all have our own lives. . . . . . . .husbands, wives children, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, parents, etc. Just remember just because you feel alone doesn't mean you are. It just means that at that moment those people who surround you with love have to stay a float themselves and sometimes they are staying a float for you too.