The Pain of Losing

The past few years I have been thinking about when people disappear, pass away, leave, or just fade out of our lives. Alright I admit it has been more than the last few years. I have wondered about this most of my life. Mainly due to how my life has been. Most of my life I have been the one who has disappeared. At first this was due to my family moving. Then I admit I did some of my own disappearing acts when I was still young. I didn't mean to, but it just seemed easier than sticking it out and figuring out who I could trust. Was it wrong for me to do this. Yes, I think it was. I should have confronted the people. I shouldn't have let whatever was happening affect my life. Unfortunately, I was young and I never had learned to stick it out. Thankfully I finally learned that it is best to stick it out. Even if it doesn't work out at least you know that you didn't run. You faced it full on without fear. Well at least that is how it will look even if you felt fear in doing so. Recent years it seems my karma has caught up with me. Now that I learned that running isn't good it seems people have started disappearing from me.

So this is what I have to say. When you decide to disappear it may be easy for you and it may feel right when you do it. The problem with this is you hurt other people. You may not mean to, but you will. My advice is if it is at all possible then suck in the fear and face the person. Tell them what you need to. Let them know the truth. Give them that much respect. The only time I wouldn't suggest this is if the person is violent and is planning on hurting you or you believe they will hurt you or someone near you. The only other time I would suggest not doing this is if you have tried and they wouldn't let you.

I have been on both sides. I know why people disappear and I know what it feels like to be left wondering why. I have always told people I can handle anything if they are honest with me. This is the truth. Please don't take this to mean that I will be around after I hear the truth. It just means I will respect you for telling me and I won't be angry. Telling me why will help me move on. It will prevent the not knowing from driving me crazy.

Am I a better person from what I have learned? I definitely I hope it has. Well at least I believe it has.

Knowing how much the not knowing can hurt has helped me understand. Especially when you are close to someone such as friends, family, or a person that you have an intimate relationship with. I know I have hurt people unintentionally. More times then I want to think about. For any of those people I am sorry and if you want to know why then please ask. I will do my best to answer, but I can't guarantee that I will have the whole answers. The past is clear at some points and fuzzy at others. My recollection may not be what others remember. All I know is what I felt and what I did. I know I never meant to hurt anyone. At this point in my life though I have dealt with that guilt and that pain. It doesn't change what I did or that I never meant to hurt anyone. I just was confused and wanted to find a safe place was usually the reason.

If you have pushed someone away without telling them then I suggest letting them know if you have the opportunity. Well that is if it is safe to and they will listen. No point in wasting your time telling someone who won't listen or putting yourself or others in danger. I have walked away due to certain people threatening me or others. My fear was more for the others than myself. I don't believe they would have really hurt me, but other people they might have.This will help prevent making a normally passive person from making themselves seem psycho while they try to find out why you walked away. It will help prevent a good person from being sad when you left and they wondered what they did. It isn't easy I know, but it feels better knowing that you  tried to give closure to them. Trust me on this. Even if it goes bad you can say you tried rather than it coming back and slapping you in the face later. The right thing is rarely easy, but it is worth it.