Alright I have avoided this for a long time, because I was afraid I wouldn't find the right words to say what I really want to say. Yet today I read a post that made me find the words to say it. At least I hope. So here it is.
Family isn't about blood or genetics. Yes, these things can play a part, but in the end family is more than that. I know I said this before, but there were a few things I think I left out due to fear of how to word them. So here are the points I want to get across.
You don't to donate sperm or an egg. You don't have to carry a child in your womb or go through the pains of giving birth to a child to love a child. It doesn't even take having legal custody of a child to love them. None of these things guarantee a person will love a child that has come into their lives. Trust me I know. I am tired of people telling me I don't know what it is like to be a parent. Really? So spanking a kid, grounding them, waking them up, comforting them, cleanup their puke, telling them things are going to be alright, feeding them, bathing them, buying them their needs, helping them with schoolwork, all these things don't constitute knowing what it is like to raise a child? I am pretty sure waking up in the middle of the night to feed a child or to comfort them after a nightmare is what a parent does. Granted I don't know all the things of being a parent since I was more like a nanny at times, but a nanny can know what caring for a child in a maternal way is like. It still hurts like Hell to have the child removed from your life and can still leave a huge hole in your life. So yes I believe a person who has taken care of a child for a long period of time can know what it is like to love a child that isn't theirs as if they were their own. They can be protective over those kids as a parent would be since they have also created a bond with that child that is strong. Granted the person caring for the child isn't their parent, but it doesn't lesson the feelings of having them removed from their life.
Another topic I want to touch on is adopted children. I have two Aunts and two Uncles. Three of these are Korean and adopted. It isn't my Mom's blood brother that I think of when I think of Aunts and Uncles. It is my Korean ones since I don't even remember meeting my other Uncle for until I was 13 and the next time I saw him was my Grandma's Memorial. I barely know anything about him. I heard more stories about his daughter and her family than him. I knew pieces about his life due to letters that were sent, but he was more like a distant relative. I never once thought of my Aunts or my Uncle as anything less than family. The fact they were adopted was no less to me than any other thing other than a gift that God gave my Grandma as an answer to a long awaited prayer. They were a miracle and the greatest gift my Grandma ever received. She never saw them as anything other than her children. My Grandpa never saw them as anything, but his children. They waited years. To many years for these three perfect children to be born and come into their lives. I don't care what anyone says. That Reader's Digest article about the Holt Group came when my Grandparents were giving up hope on ever having any more children. When my Grandma read that article she saw hope. When she saw the pictures of her children she felt they were the ones. She looked at hundreds of pictures and knew when she saw them they were the ones. I know this, because my Mom told me the stories. She told me how when my Grandma saw my Uncle's picture my Grandma knew that God wanted her to bring him home. I finally heard from my Grandpa how my beautiful Aunt Sharon was older than my other Aunt or Uncle when she was adopted. He worried about how she was older, but my Grandma knew she was meant to be her child. These three children were heaven sent to be my family. God chose them to be my Aunts and Uncle just as he chose my Mom and Uncle David to be born to my Grandparents. It hurts me when my Aunts and Uncle talk as if they are a separate family from my Mom. I know it feels that way to them and I acknowledge that, but never did my Mom ever talk about them as anything other than her siblings. She spoke about them the same as she did her brother David. Actually my Mom probably talked more lovingly about them than she did about my Uncle David. She loved them as her baby siblings. She loved them in the way only an older sibling can. I know I have seen that look many times from my older siblings. It also hurt when my Uncle introduced me to people and made a point to point out we don't look like family. I don't know why. I don't see the difference. I have two sisters who look nothing like me at all. They have blondish brown hair, green eyes, were extremely skinny in their youth, and tall. Their faces are totally different then mine. Hell they could be adopted looking at them. I still have no clue where their looks came from. Out of five kids three of us look alike and obviously look like Mom's side. The other two look nothing like anyone I can think of yet I don't make a point to point out the differences. To me family is family. It doesn't matter how you become family. It doesn't matter if you don't look alike or if there are years that separate you from your siblings. I have friends who have kids the same age as their siblings. No they didn't have kids as teenagers. Their parents were gifted with children later in life. My friends don't call those children their parents second family. The only time I have ever heard that term used was when a parent left and raised another family separate from each other and when my Aunts and Uncle talk. I know they mean no harm and I understand why they feel that way. Yet they are the only Aunts and Uncle I ever knew. They were the only siblings of my parents in my eyes for years. To me there was no separation. There was nothing that makes them different. They have been all I have known my whole life. As far as I am concerned there is only one family. The one my Grandparents loved equally.
So here is what I have to say. If I ever find the one or I ever have the money/life that I feel I can raise a family on my own this is what I want. I want one maybe two pregnancies. After that I want to adopted children. Not newborns that everyone wants and fights over. I want to adopt the children that are less likely to find a home due to age or problems. I don't care about race or background. Actually the more diverse the better to me. The reason being I think having children who see each other as family due to what really makes a family is better than kids who think blood is what makes family. What really makes a family is love. L-O-V-E. That is what makes a family. Marriage brings a person to a family through. . .. .. . . LOVE. Adoption brings a person into a family through. . . . . . . . . LOVE. A child in the neighborhood who needs guidance and a person who cares is brought into a family through. . . . . . . . . . Once again LOVE. What is the key here? Oh ya LOVE. Love is what makes a family. Not blood. Not genetics. Not sperm. Not an egg. Not pregnancy. It is LOVE. Everyone can prove they are related through blood and genetics if you go far enough back. Technically James Gardner is my cousin. Doesn't make him my family as far as he is concerned or I am concerned. Sperm and an egg coming together doesn't make a parent. That just means you are a donor that created a child to be loved and parented by a person. Whether it is you and the other donor, you and another person, the other donor and another person, or people who had nothing genetically to don with the child. Carrying a child inside you and giving birth to them doesn't make you a Mother. That makes you the carrier and deliverer of a child that once again is meant to be loved and parented by a person. There doesn't even have to be two people to love and care for that child. In some cases there is only one. The person who is the World to that child. A person who loves them unconditionally and would give anything to protect that child and to protect that child's happiness and dreams. That is family. It is a bond stronger than any other bond you will find. Time, money, and anything else you can think of won't break that bond.
The next time you see a family remember LOVE is what makes them that. Never when I was growing up did I think anything about the differences between my Mom's siblings. It wasn't for until I was older that I started seeing that people might see a difference. I was literally about 16 before I ever realized anyone would question them being my family and it wasn't for until I was an adult that I ever thought anyone in the family would think of the difference. So yes it hurts to think of that beautiful family as anything than one whole family. It was taught to me as one family not two and I won't and refuse to see it as anything else. My Grandparents had one family. Three girls and two boys who they loved more than life itself. Who was their World. They would have done anything for anyone of these five beautiful kids. These children were their world. Just as much as any child given birth to was. My Mom loved them just as any big sister would and was excited to have them join the family. She loved them so much that my Grandpa told my Mom that they were Grandma's new toys not hers and if she wanted one to go have her own. LOL. Spoken like a true father to his teenage daughter who wants to play with their younger siblings as a doll. I love my family. I love the lack of judgment I was raised with. I love the fact I can see past all the things most people are blinded by.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Dreams
We all have dreams. There is always that thing that we all want which is a job we love doing. Some of us pursue our dreams at any cost. There will be those who do and succeed at making their dream a reality. Then there are those of us who want to pursue our dreams, but are afraid of falling on our butts or worse our faces. There are also those who chase their dreams and never see anything come of it. I rather not think about those since I respect them chasing their dream, but it makes me sad.
So I will admit I am one of the ones who has a dream and is deathly afraid of falling straight onto my face and breaking my nose along with creating a ton of scratches that probably will permanently scare my face. My dream is to write and inspire people. Yet I know the reality is that most writers never make any money and if they do it is usually only a meager amount. The problem for me is I like having food, clothes, a nice warm bed to sleep in under a roof that I pay for, I like nice vacations, and I like my hobbies. True I could write and work as well. Then there is my second problem. Knowing I put all my heart and soul into something only to hear people criticize it. I think though I am starting to overcome all that. That actually is part of the reason I started writing this blog. Granted yes my friend suggested I write a blog, but in the end I started thinking if I can do that on a regular basis then maybe I can work myself up to starting a story and finishing it.
I have tons of ideas for books. My problem is starting the story and finishing it. The good news is once I write it I have people I trust to proof read it and give me honest harsh feedback. Which I am hoping will help me correct whatever issues I have in it before I go to publish it.
Once I write the book and get people to proof read it and correct the things that need fixing. aka final draft. Hate final drafts by the way. I then have the problem of either finding an agent to represent me while I try to get a publishing company to want to publish my book or to decide to self publish and do my own campaign to get people to read it. Which my not liking to confront people might make hard, but I think I would do in order to make a dream come true.
Yikes the idea of calling bookstores and pushing myself and my dream on to people. That is scary, but I know would be necessary for me to do. Hhhhmmm! I wonder if I could get some of my friends to work for me. Well at this time I have to work myself up to writing the books first. Which appears to be getting there.
My other dream would be to do photography. Mainly landscape photography and wildlife. I plan on taking classes in the next few years and hope to build that up enough to either win a photo contest or get a picture published. If I get good enough I might even go and see if I can get a booth at a fair and try selling some prints.
Either way I know eventually I will figure something out. I may never become famous, but I would at least like to know I tried.
What are your dreams? Have you fulfilled them? Are you working toward it or have you given them up?
It is never to late to chase your dreams.
So I will admit I am one of the ones who has a dream and is deathly afraid of falling straight onto my face and breaking my nose along with creating a ton of scratches that probably will permanently scare my face. My dream is to write and inspire people. Yet I know the reality is that most writers never make any money and if they do it is usually only a meager amount. The problem for me is I like having food, clothes, a nice warm bed to sleep in under a roof that I pay for, I like nice vacations, and I like my hobbies. True I could write and work as well. Then there is my second problem. Knowing I put all my heart and soul into something only to hear people criticize it. I think though I am starting to overcome all that. That actually is part of the reason I started writing this blog. Granted yes my friend suggested I write a blog, but in the end I started thinking if I can do that on a regular basis then maybe I can work myself up to starting a story and finishing it.
I have tons of ideas for books. My problem is starting the story and finishing it. The good news is once I write it I have people I trust to proof read it and give me honest harsh feedback. Which I am hoping will help me correct whatever issues I have in it before I go to publish it.
Once I write the book and get people to proof read it and correct the things that need fixing. aka final draft. Hate final drafts by the way. I then have the problem of either finding an agent to represent me while I try to get a publishing company to want to publish my book or to decide to self publish and do my own campaign to get people to read it. Which my not liking to confront people might make hard, but I think I would do in order to make a dream come true.
Yikes the idea of calling bookstores and pushing myself and my dream on to people. That is scary, but I know would be necessary for me to do. Hhhhmmm! I wonder if I could get some of my friends to work for me. Well at this time I have to work myself up to writing the books first. Which appears to be getting there.
My other dream would be to do photography. Mainly landscape photography and wildlife. I plan on taking classes in the next few years and hope to build that up enough to either win a photo contest or get a picture published. If I get good enough I might even go and see if I can get a booth at a fair and try selling some prints.
Either way I know eventually I will figure something out. I may never become famous, but I would at least like to know I tried.
What are your dreams? Have you fulfilled them? Are you working toward it or have you given them up?
It is never to late to chase your dreams.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The People We See
When you see someone what do you notice first? The very first thing before anything else.
Me personally I see a person. I can honestly say I would be the worst witness for who was some place when something happens. I mean I see people and I notice them when I see them, but the things I notice would be hard to use for a description. It takes me a while to notice the outer part of a person. Well unless it is something that sticks out. Like there is this one lady I have seen ride the bus and I so want to know her story, because she has all different kinds and colors of piercings. Yet I am fairly certain walking up to her and asking her why she has so many piercings on her face would be constituted as rude instead of just interested curiosity.
Another person was this guy who had regular AA batteries in his ear lobes. Now I have seen a lot of things. I have seen gauged earrings (which some of those earrings are amazing looking, but I still want to wear my regular ones so I won't do it), I have seen people put safety pins in their ears, and even paperclips in their ears. Yet I so wanted to go up to this guy and ask "So why did you chose to put batteries in your ears?"
Granted I am not judging either of these people. Actually I find them quite fascinating and I would love the chance to hear the stories behind why.
You see I wouldn't make a great witness, because while everyone else is noticing their hair color, clothes, skin color, and all the stuff that allows you to spot the person. I am watching for clues to who the person is. Granted hair style and clothes can sometimes give me clues to that I have found that there are other things that are a better gauge. How a person talks can tell me a lot about a person. I don't mean accents (though sometimes those will help). I mean the words themselves that they are saying and how they string them together to form a thought. Our words are influenced by the music we listen to, our friends, family, education, tv, radio, where we were brought up, and sometimes even our hobbies. Also how we speak can tell another person some of the places you have been. Such as certain words or phrases that a person says will let me know they have been in prison. It isn't just the words though. It is also how they say those words and who they say them to. Words can also tell me if a young person thinks they are bad or if they are more focused on being a kid. Words are a powerful weapon and many people will judge others off of their words. When someone meets you they may think you are smart due to what you say or they may think you are dumb due to what you say. I have been told that being quiet can actually prevent you from making a wrong impression. I can see that, but it also can make you seem aloof, stuck up, or unapproachable. Talking to much can make yo seem like a know it all (even if you don't think you know it all. You just are trying to be a part of a conversation you thought someone was having with you), it can make you seem like you aren't listening to the other person (even when you hear them and you again are trying to have a conversation that isn't one sided), or make you seem dumb since you may not know something or may say something wrong. Our words hold heavy weight. They can also hurt people on purpose or by accident just by the infliction of them or the wording of them. They can also help someone find understanding if given to someone who wants to hear them.
Another thing that gives people an insight to who you are is how you carry yourself. If you kind of slouch and try to disappear into the corner or the shadows then you may come off as insecure or shy. If you stand up straight and carry yourself with to much confidence then people might think your arrogant and self righteous. There are many ways you can carry yourself. Honestly I think the unknown, unthinking posture that people have can tell a person a great deal about a person. If I had held to some of my first instincts when I saw some of my ex boyfriends walking up toward me I might have been better off. Yet I believe in giving people a chance to introduce who they are to me since sometimes people can be victims of circumstances or past mistakes. Call it my good heart or my Mother Theresa syndrome or whatever you want. Sometimes I wonder if my Grandma suffered from it as well and that it was my Grandpa marrying her that kept her out of trouble. LOL. Who knows. Oh I got off track again. Basically how you carry yourself could be a big part of how people will judge who you are.
Clothes will also tell you some things about a person. Just please don't judge me by my clothes. LOL. I am a klutz and I can literally walk out of the house pristine and in a matter of minutes look like a mess due to the forces that be. Yet some people purposely walk out of their house with their undergarments showing or a number of other fashion choices I don't understand. Again I am not judging. I believe in free will and choice and I have been called odd or crazy due to some of my fashion choices. Yet I do know one thing if I see someone wearing an Otep shirt they like metal music. If they are wearing a Garth Brooks shirt, a baseball cap, some tight jeans (gotta love the tight jeans), and some cowboy boots they probably like country music. Just like a person wearing a NASCAR jacket probably likes NASCAR. The same goes with some clothes can tell me the type of work you do. If you are wearing a coveralls with grease stains I am going to guess you are a mechanic (especially if your name is on them or a company name is). If you are wearing black slacks, comfortable black shoes, and a polo shirt that says Taco Bell I am guessing you work at Taco Bell. If you are wearing a suit depending on the type of suit I will either guess you work in an office, a sells job, or a high end Call Center. The nicer the suit the better the job I am going to guess. So clothes may not make the person, but they can give clues as to who they are and where they work. Oh also funny sayin's on a t-shirt can give me insight on what kind of sense of humor you have.
Then there is your cleanliness. Granted most of us I hope like to take baths or showers on a regular basis. If not and you have them available I might suggest please start using them for the sake of those around you. Yet there are other things that can give a clue as to the person. Again please don't judge me due to I find ironing a pointless thing unless there are major wrinkles since by the time I get where I am going it will look like I didn't iron them any way. Also don't judge me for anything that spilled, rubbed on to, or attached itself to my clothes. I try not to get things on my clothes, but I swear I am one of those people that things just attach themselves to me. Plus I am a huge klutz. I will literally walk into things, run into things, spill things, or knock something over at least 20-30 times a day. Also if there is something I can cut myself on or burn myself with some how it will happen. It is a given and I accept it. So back to cleanliness. If someone has clothes that obviously haven't been washed or has severe wrinkles in them a lot of people will wonder about them. Then again I have had people judge me due to a few fuzzies on my clothes, a mark on my clothes that some how got there between home and where I was going, oh and for not dressing to the nines all the time. I like looking nice, but I also like to be comfortable. The good news is I am usually clean except after scrubbing the house, hiking, a long week/weekend of camping, or doing something messy. Oh and I am lovable, sweet, caring, and if you don't judge me I won't judge you. Yet if you are really stinky or nasty I probably will avoid you since it does gross me out. I will tell you though even though I won't judge you for holes in your clothes, wrinkles, stains, or wearing whatever makes you happy there are people who will.
Finally one of my favorite things that people notice a lot is your facial expression. If you are smiling and it is genuine I have found that it actually will cheer people up. I am not sure why, but I have been told by people that just seeing my smiling face has brightened a bad day. No, this wasn't just perverted guys who wanted to get in my pants. This was people of all ages, different walks of life, and different sexes. I don't think it was due to me being pretty or anything like that since I know there were times I looked horrific and people told me my smile brightened their day. I think it was seeing someone who was genuinely happy that made the difference. Also a mean scowl can ruin a person's day as fast as a genuine smile can. I know it can, because it has ruined mine a few times. It is amazing how our expressions can not only tell people about us, but affect how people around us feel. If someone has psychotic expression on their face and you don't know them then you probably would feel fear. If someone looks sad and is crying you don't have to know them to feel sad for them or maybe you are one of those people who is so jaded you think they are trying to get sympathy for no reason. Either way you feel something when you notice another person's expressions just like others feel something when they see yours. What I want to know though is why when I am sad does everyone avoid me and not talk to me yet when someone else is sad those same people ask them what is wrong? Hhhhhmmmm! Sorry. Just a question I have often wondered about. People rarely ask me what is wrong when I am crying or upset. They usually wait for a moment when I am past it or avoid it all together. Just was wondering why. So again our expressions can encourage people to approach us or steer far away from us or just feel indifference toward us.
So the next time you are some where and see someone for the first time think about what you noticed first, what you thought, how you reacted, and how did it make you feel. Then think about all that in reverse. What if they were thinking exactly that about you?
Me personally I see a person. I can honestly say I would be the worst witness for who was some place when something happens. I mean I see people and I notice them when I see them, but the things I notice would be hard to use for a description. It takes me a while to notice the outer part of a person. Well unless it is something that sticks out. Like there is this one lady I have seen ride the bus and I so want to know her story, because she has all different kinds and colors of piercings. Yet I am fairly certain walking up to her and asking her why she has so many piercings on her face would be constituted as rude instead of just interested curiosity.
Another person was this guy who had regular AA batteries in his ear lobes. Now I have seen a lot of things. I have seen gauged earrings (which some of those earrings are amazing looking, but I still want to wear my regular ones so I won't do it), I have seen people put safety pins in their ears, and even paperclips in their ears. Yet I so wanted to go up to this guy and ask "So why did you chose to put batteries in your ears?"
Granted I am not judging either of these people. Actually I find them quite fascinating and I would love the chance to hear the stories behind why.
You see I wouldn't make a great witness, because while everyone else is noticing their hair color, clothes, skin color, and all the stuff that allows you to spot the person. I am watching for clues to who the person is. Granted hair style and clothes can sometimes give me clues to that I have found that there are other things that are a better gauge. How a person talks can tell me a lot about a person. I don't mean accents (though sometimes those will help). I mean the words themselves that they are saying and how they string them together to form a thought. Our words are influenced by the music we listen to, our friends, family, education, tv, radio, where we were brought up, and sometimes even our hobbies. Also how we speak can tell another person some of the places you have been. Such as certain words or phrases that a person says will let me know they have been in prison. It isn't just the words though. It is also how they say those words and who they say them to. Words can also tell me if a young person thinks they are bad or if they are more focused on being a kid. Words are a powerful weapon and many people will judge others off of their words. When someone meets you they may think you are smart due to what you say or they may think you are dumb due to what you say. I have been told that being quiet can actually prevent you from making a wrong impression. I can see that, but it also can make you seem aloof, stuck up, or unapproachable. Talking to much can make yo seem like a know it all (even if you don't think you know it all. You just are trying to be a part of a conversation you thought someone was having with you), it can make you seem like you aren't listening to the other person (even when you hear them and you again are trying to have a conversation that isn't one sided), or make you seem dumb since you may not know something or may say something wrong. Our words hold heavy weight. They can also hurt people on purpose or by accident just by the infliction of them or the wording of them. They can also help someone find understanding if given to someone who wants to hear them.
Another thing that gives people an insight to who you are is how you carry yourself. If you kind of slouch and try to disappear into the corner or the shadows then you may come off as insecure or shy. If you stand up straight and carry yourself with to much confidence then people might think your arrogant and self righteous. There are many ways you can carry yourself. Honestly I think the unknown, unthinking posture that people have can tell a person a great deal about a person. If I had held to some of my first instincts when I saw some of my ex boyfriends walking up toward me I might have been better off. Yet I believe in giving people a chance to introduce who they are to me since sometimes people can be victims of circumstances or past mistakes. Call it my good heart or my Mother Theresa syndrome or whatever you want. Sometimes I wonder if my Grandma suffered from it as well and that it was my Grandpa marrying her that kept her out of trouble. LOL. Who knows. Oh I got off track again. Basically how you carry yourself could be a big part of how people will judge who you are.
Clothes will also tell you some things about a person. Just please don't judge me by my clothes. LOL. I am a klutz and I can literally walk out of the house pristine and in a matter of minutes look like a mess due to the forces that be. Yet some people purposely walk out of their house with their undergarments showing or a number of other fashion choices I don't understand. Again I am not judging. I believe in free will and choice and I have been called odd or crazy due to some of my fashion choices. Yet I do know one thing if I see someone wearing an Otep shirt they like metal music. If they are wearing a Garth Brooks shirt, a baseball cap, some tight jeans (gotta love the tight jeans), and some cowboy boots they probably like country music. Just like a person wearing a NASCAR jacket probably likes NASCAR. The same goes with some clothes can tell me the type of work you do. If you are wearing a coveralls with grease stains I am going to guess you are a mechanic (especially if your name is on them or a company name is). If you are wearing black slacks, comfortable black shoes, and a polo shirt that says Taco Bell I am guessing you work at Taco Bell. If you are wearing a suit depending on the type of suit I will either guess you work in an office, a sells job, or a high end Call Center. The nicer the suit the better the job I am going to guess. So clothes may not make the person, but they can give clues as to who they are and where they work. Oh also funny sayin's on a t-shirt can give me insight on what kind of sense of humor you have.
Then there is your cleanliness. Granted most of us I hope like to take baths or showers on a regular basis. If not and you have them available I might suggest please start using them for the sake of those around you. Yet there are other things that can give a clue as to the person. Again please don't judge me due to I find ironing a pointless thing unless there are major wrinkles since by the time I get where I am going it will look like I didn't iron them any way. Also don't judge me for anything that spilled, rubbed on to, or attached itself to my clothes. I try not to get things on my clothes, but I swear I am one of those people that things just attach themselves to me. Plus I am a huge klutz. I will literally walk into things, run into things, spill things, or knock something over at least 20-30 times a day. Also if there is something I can cut myself on or burn myself with some how it will happen. It is a given and I accept it. So back to cleanliness. If someone has clothes that obviously haven't been washed or has severe wrinkles in them a lot of people will wonder about them. Then again I have had people judge me due to a few fuzzies on my clothes, a mark on my clothes that some how got there between home and where I was going, oh and for not dressing to the nines all the time. I like looking nice, but I also like to be comfortable. The good news is I am usually clean except after scrubbing the house, hiking, a long week/weekend of camping, or doing something messy. Oh and I am lovable, sweet, caring, and if you don't judge me I won't judge you. Yet if you are really stinky or nasty I probably will avoid you since it does gross me out. I will tell you though even though I won't judge you for holes in your clothes, wrinkles, stains, or wearing whatever makes you happy there are people who will.
Finally one of my favorite things that people notice a lot is your facial expression. If you are smiling and it is genuine I have found that it actually will cheer people up. I am not sure why, but I have been told by people that just seeing my smiling face has brightened a bad day. No, this wasn't just perverted guys who wanted to get in my pants. This was people of all ages, different walks of life, and different sexes. I don't think it was due to me being pretty or anything like that since I know there were times I looked horrific and people told me my smile brightened their day. I think it was seeing someone who was genuinely happy that made the difference. Also a mean scowl can ruin a person's day as fast as a genuine smile can. I know it can, because it has ruined mine a few times. It is amazing how our expressions can not only tell people about us, but affect how people around us feel. If someone has psychotic expression on their face and you don't know them then you probably would feel fear. If someone looks sad and is crying you don't have to know them to feel sad for them or maybe you are one of those people who is so jaded you think they are trying to get sympathy for no reason. Either way you feel something when you notice another person's expressions just like others feel something when they see yours. What I want to know though is why when I am sad does everyone avoid me and not talk to me yet when someone else is sad those same people ask them what is wrong? Hhhhhmmmm! Sorry. Just a question I have often wondered about. People rarely ask me what is wrong when I am crying or upset. They usually wait for a moment when I am past it or avoid it all together. Just was wondering why. So again our expressions can encourage people to approach us or steer far away from us or just feel indifference toward us.
So the next time you are some where and see someone for the first time think about what you noticed first, what you thought, how you reacted, and how did it make you feel. Then think about all that in reverse. What if they were thinking exactly that about you?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Living Life and Leaving with No Regrets
Periodically I think to myself "What if tomorrow never came?" or "What if I got the news that I only had a short time period to live?". I know these are dark thoughts, but I have often wondered these things my whole life. Yet I won't ever really create a bucket list. Creating one of those means I take the chance of regretting not doing something. So here is what I do instead.
There are things I want to do in my life while I can. Instead of making a list that can fail due to unknown things I prefer to just keep in mind what I want to do and try to find a way to make it happen.
Some of the things I want to make happen are. I want to go to Ireland. Have for as long as I can remember. Along with that I want to visit all 50 states and see as many National Parks as I can. Along with a few state parks. So far I think I am doing good with the states. I am in around the twenties. Eventually I want to get my license. A house of my own would be nice. Also I want to learn to Tat, decorate cakes, and any other craft I can get a chance to do. Oh the most important two that I really feel isn't in my control. Marriage and having children. I want those two more than the others, but finding a guy who I can get along with for a long period of time that is attracted to me; not really easy.
As for what I would do if I knew I was dying. I would try to plan a party where all my friends and family could be together. If I couldn't do that then I would try to travel to see them all. I might still do the traveling thing if I had time as well as the party. Mainly due to I want some quality time with certain people before it is over. I would definitely have to go to Oregon to visit a lot of people, Idaho to visit an old family friend who might as well be family, and maybe a few military bases to see some really great people. Oh and Wyoming to see my family for sure. I also would have to go and visit some of my old home areas. I know that most of them have changed drastically, but the memories are still there. No changes that they make can remove those memories from the place. Sort of the idea that each moment releases a memory that attaches itself to the place. The stronger the emotions attached to the memory the stronger the energy from the moment. I would also make sure I have everything taken care of. That way my loved ones won't have as much to do when I am gone.
What would I want to happen if I am gone? I would want to be cremated and have my ashes divided up in all the states I have lived. I also would want some of my ashes to be thrown into the ocean to be free. The rest of them can be given to anyone who wants some. Maybe have the remaining ashes made into jewelry for those closest to me. With all the artist I know and have known I am sure someone could figure something out. Other than that I just want everyone to get together, maybe have some drinks, have some homemade food (no store bought or catered food please. I like home cooking best. I was spoiled growing up), definitely has to have music, dancing, and some stories about me. No mourning though if you can help it. Just remember I lived my life trying to make people smile. Oh I also have a poem I wrote in High School for that time and as for my stuff divide it fairly without fighting please.
Sorry if this depressed anyone. I just felt something needed to be said. We all need to live our lives in between knowing tomorrow may never come and knowing tomorrow may come faster than we expect. Don't let today stop you from doing the things you want to do. Start planning and working toward your goals now, but don't forget to plan for tomorrow as well.
There are things I want to do in my life while I can. Instead of making a list that can fail due to unknown things I prefer to just keep in mind what I want to do and try to find a way to make it happen.
Some of the things I want to make happen are. I want to go to Ireland. Have for as long as I can remember. Along with that I want to visit all 50 states and see as many National Parks as I can. Along with a few state parks. So far I think I am doing good with the states. I am in around the twenties. Eventually I want to get my license. A house of my own would be nice. Also I want to learn to Tat, decorate cakes, and any other craft I can get a chance to do. Oh the most important two that I really feel isn't in my control. Marriage and having children. I want those two more than the others, but finding a guy who I can get along with for a long period of time that is attracted to me; not really easy.
As for what I would do if I knew I was dying. I would try to plan a party where all my friends and family could be together. If I couldn't do that then I would try to travel to see them all. I might still do the traveling thing if I had time as well as the party. Mainly due to I want some quality time with certain people before it is over. I would definitely have to go to Oregon to visit a lot of people, Idaho to visit an old family friend who might as well be family, and maybe a few military bases to see some really great people. Oh and Wyoming to see my family for sure. I also would have to go and visit some of my old home areas. I know that most of them have changed drastically, but the memories are still there. No changes that they make can remove those memories from the place. Sort of the idea that each moment releases a memory that attaches itself to the place. The stronger the emotions attached to the memory the stronger the energy from the moment. I would also make sure I have everything taken care of. That way my loved ones won't have as much to do when I am gone.
What would I want to happen if I am gone? I would want to be cremated and have my ashes divided up in all the states I have lived. I also would want some of my ashes to be thrown into the ocean to be free. The rest of them can be given to anyone who wants some. Maybe have the remaining ashes made into jewelry for those closest to me. With all the artist I know and have known I am sure someone could figure something out. Other than that I just want everyone to get together, maybe have some drinks, have some homemade food (no store bought or catered food please. I like home cooking best. I was spoiled growing up), definitely has to have music, dancing, and some stories about me. No mourning though if you can help it. Just remember I lived my life trying to make people smile. Oh I also have a poem I wrote in High School for that time and as for my stuff divide it fairly without fighting please.
Sorry if this depressed anyone. I just felt something needed to be said. We all need to live our lives in between knowing tomorrow may never come and knowing tomorrow may come faster than we expect. Don't let today stop you from doing the things you want to do. Start planning and working toward your goals now, but don't forget to plan for tomorrow as well.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
To move or to Grow Roots? My dilemma..
My whole life I wanted a house of my own. You know the place of security. A place of consistency. Now as the time to make a decision on whether I really want to grow roots and settle in one place grows closer I feel myself also growing anxious.
When I was little my family moved a lot. Then I came to Arizona. I have stayed in the Valley of the Sun for 17 years. Granted I have moved around a lot since I have been here, but I have stayed in one state and one area for 17 consecutive years. That has never happened in my life. Before this the record was 6 years and that was from birth to 6. The next record was 4 years and that was Lakeside, OR. Any other time in my life was a year and a half max in one place.
So here is my dilemma. I want a place I own. A place that is mine and that I don't have to pack up and move from. Some place that rent is consistent and that I am comfortable living at. Yet when I think about doing this panic sets in.
One panic is what if I choose the wrong place. What do I do then? I will be stuck with neighbors that are nightmares and in a house I hate. That idea is scary to me. Yet the idea of never having a yard that is mine and a home that is mine out weighs the fear of nightmare neighbors or a house I hate. Neighbors can be ignored and I am excellent at not knowing my neighbors any way since I am a bit anti social to begin with. As for hating the house I am fairly certain if I own it and I hate it I will end up renovating it into something I love piece by piece. It is just who I am. If I don't like something and I am stuck with it I remake it into something I like. If it is something I like, but needs some improvising I have a tendency of changing it. I do it with clothes all the time so I am sure a house can be corrected if I buy one that is sound, but shows up with minor quirks.
The next fear is that I can't move due to I am stuck with the purchase I just made and now I have responsibilities to uphold. What if I meet someone and they turn out to be a psycho who doesn't really want to be with me, but doesn't want to leave me alone either? Now I can't move to prevent them from showing up on my door every so many years. Not an idea I am fond of. Yes, I think about these things. We won't go into why since it really doesn't matter. Most of those situations have been taken care of and are my past. Thank goodness. Yet it doesn't change the fact that it is something I do think about on occasion still.
Finally, the one that concerns me the most. . . . . . . . . . . . Memories. I know that doesn't sound like something to be concerned with. That should be the biggest reason to want a place right? Well up for until I moved to Arizona I never realized how much a place can bring back a memory, both good and bad. I guess it is, because I never stayed any where long enough to have any memories haunt me before here or maybe it is age. What I do know is that I find myself ever so often overwhelmed when I walk by or drive by a place and a memory hits me. I also realized about 3 years ago (maybe it was 4 I can't keep track) how living in a place after something bad happens can cause a lot of emotions to flood through you. I don't like my emotions to hit me unaware. I am use to having control over them. I am use to being able to chose when extreme feelings overwhelm me. So this whole thing of a place hitting me with memories that trigger extreme emotions is something that I am not use to. On one hand I know a normal person would be use to such things and cherish them. Yet I am not a normal person. Nor have I ever been normal. I am not even sure I understand or know what it would be like to be normal. It is this one thing that concerns me the most about buying a house and yet this is one of the greatest reasons I want to buy a house. I know I am being ridiculous feeling this way, but sometimes it is hard not to.
Has there ever been something you really wanted for a long time, but once you started seeing it as a possible reality you started to wonder if you really wanted it? Have you ever had silly concerns about some change you wanted to make? You know a concern you know was ridiculous to have, but you did any way?
When I was little my family moved a lot. Then I came to Arizona. I have stayed in the Valley of the Sun for 17 years. Granted I have moved around a lot since I have been here, but I have stayed in one state and one area for 17 consecutive years. That has never happened in my life. Before this the record was 6 years and that was from birth to 6. The next record was 4 years and that was Lakeside, OR. Any other time in my life was a year and a half max in one place.
So here is my dilemma. I want a place I own. A place that is mine and that I don't have to pack up and move from. Some place that rent is consistent and that I am comfortable living at. Yet when I think about doing this panic sets in.
One panic is what if I choose the wrong place. What do I do then? I will be stuck with neighbors that are nightmares and in a house I hate. That idea is scary to me. Yet the idea of never having a yard that is mine and a home that is mine out weighs the fear of nightmare neighbors or a house I hate. Neighbors can be ignored and I am excellent at not knowing my neighbors any way since I am a bit anti social to begin with. As for hating the house I am fairly certain if I own it and I hate it I will end up renovating it into something I love piece by piece. It is just who I am. If I don't like something and I am stuck with it I remake it into something I like. If it is something I like, but needs some improvising I have a tendency of changing it. I do it with clothes all the time so I am sure a house can be corrected if I buy one that is sound, but shows up with minor quirks.
The next fear is that I can't move due to I am stuck with the purchase I just made and now I have responsibilities to uphold. What if I meet someone and they turn out to be a psycho who doesn't really want to be with me, but doesn't want to leave me alone either? Now I can't move to prevent them from showing up on my door every so many years. Not an idea I am fond of. Yes, I think about these things. We won't go into why since it really doesn't matter. Most of those situations have been taken care of and are my past. Thank goodness. Yet it doesn't change the fact that it is something I do think about on occasion still.
Finally, the one that concerns me the most. . . . . . . . . . . . Memories. I know that doesn't sound like something to be concerned with. That should be the biggest reason to want a place right? Well up for until I moved to Arizona I never realized how much a place can bring back a memory, both good and bad. I guess it is, because I never stayed any where long enough to have any memories haunt me before here or maybe it is age. What I do know is that I find myself ever so often overwhelmed when I walk by or drive by a place and a memory hits me. I also realized about 3 years ago (maybe it was 4 I can't keep track) how living in a place after something bad happens can cause a lot of emotions to flood through you. I don't like my emotions to hit me unaware. I am use to having control over them. I am use to being able to chose when extreme feelings overwhelm me. So this whole thing of a place hitting me with memories that trigger extreme emotions is something that I am not use to. On one hand I know a normal person would be use to such things and cherish them. Yet I am not a normal person. Nor have I ever been normal. I am not even sure I understand or know what it would be like to be normal. It is this one thing that concerns me the most about buying a house and yet this is one of the greatest reasons I want to buy a house. I know I am being ridiculous feeling this way, but sometimes it is hard not to.
Has there ever been something you really wanted for a long time, but once you started seeing it as a possible reality you started to wonder if you really wanted it? Have you ever had silly concerns about some change you wanted to make? You know a concern you know was ridiculous to have, but you did any way?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Food and the stuff they put in it along with what they spray on it
Alright granted I still need to do some research on all this, but here is what I think and know so far. I am hoping this will be the first of several blogs I do on this topic, because I think it is an important one. Like I said I need to do some more research which I plan on doing for further blogs on this subject. Some of you might say I am crazy or that I am gullible or who knows what else. That is your right and I am alright with that. You have the right to believe what you want and a lot of great people died to give you that right. So I am not the person who would dishonor their deaths by trying to take that right from you. I am only writing this to throw an idea out there and possibly get you started thinking about this. Like I said I want to do further research as well as state my opinion.When I do the further research I will include information of where I got stuff from for you to be able to go and look at the stuff I found yourself. At that point you can form your own opinion or you can ignore what I say as nonsense and craziness. Your choice.
Here is what I have noticed more and more children are coming up with food allergies. Most of these food allergies are gluten and lactose intolerances. Also I have noticed an increase in kids that have issues that are due to chemical imbalances. Is it possible that these increases are from the stuff we are surrounding ourselves with and the human made stuff that we are putting in our bodies? Maybe it is just more knowledge? Then again any problems with an item that we create will take at least 10 years or more to find out the complete long term effects. Usually we find out the long term effects after several generations have been affected for their whole lives by the product.
We all know that most poisons in small doses will either not affect you at all or just make you sick. While long term exposure or indigestion of poisons can cause severe illnesses or death. So here is my question. What if you ate small amounts of a poison from the time you were conceived on? What might the affects be?
My next thought is this. We all know a woman who is pregnant needs to be careful what she does especially during the development of the embryo. So what if the mother is unknowingly intaking poison during her whole pregnancy, then right at the time of birth she takes in another foreign chemical into her body? What if these chemicals have an adverse affect when put together, but known thought to look into it due to they both seemed safe when by themselves? Then what is to happen to the baby?
Now think of this. The genetically engineered corn that people have been eating has a pesticide put into the dna of the corn. So basically we are eating a pesticide that rips open the stomach of insects when they eat it. Granted in small doses this pesticide probably doesn't hurt us. Yet what happens after eating it for long periods of time. Also did they look into how that pesticide once combined with corn interacts with other chemicals or drugs the people eating may be taking?
Like I said I need to do further research on all this, but another thing I know is there have been many things we thought were safe that later came out was killing people. Such as the pesticides used in the 1970's and '80's. There was the painkillers that use to be given to women when in labor that they later found out caused Autism in the children and so is no longer used. There have been all kinds of stuff that our government has said was safe only to find out later wasn't. Whether the Government knew when they said it was safe that it wasn't or whether they didn't have enough information to know I can't say and won't say. What I do know is the more informed we make ourselves and the more thinking for ourselves we do the better we all will be. Think for yourself and you may find you have more power than you thought you ever would have.
Here is what I have noticed more and more children are coming up with food allergies. Most of these food allergies are gluten and lactose intolerances. Also I have noticed an increase in kids that have issues that are due to chemical imbalances. Is it possible that these increases are from the stuff we are surrounding ourselves with and the human made stuff that we are putting in our bodies? Maybe it is just more knowledge? Then again any problems with an item that we create will take at least 10 years or more to find out the complete long term effects. Usually we find out the long term effects after several generations have been affected for their whole lives by the product.
We all know that most poisons in small doses will either not affect you at all or just make you sick. While long term exposure or indigestion of poisons can cause severe illnesses or death. So here is my question. What if you ate small amounts of a poison from the time you were conceived on? What might the affects be?
My next thought is this. We all know a woman who is pregnant needs to be careful what she does especially during the development of the embryo. So what if the mother is unknowingly intaking poison during her whole pregnancy, then right at the time of birth she takes in another foreign chemical into her body? What if these chemicals have an adverse affect when put together, but known thought to look into it due to they both seemed safe when by themselves? Then what is to happen to the baby?
Now think of this. The genetically engineered corn that people have been eating has a pesticide put into the dna of the corn. So basically we are eating a pesticide that rips open the stomach of insects when they eat it. Granted in small doses this pesticide probably doesn't hurt us. Yet what happens after eating it for long periods of time. Also did they look into how that pesticide once combined with corn interacts with other chemicals or drugs the people eating may be taking?
Like I said I need to do further research on all this, but another thing I know is there have been many things we thought were safe that later came out was killing people. Such as the pesticides used in the 1970's and '80's. There was the painkillers that use to be given to women when in labor that they later found out caused Autism in the children and so is no longer used. There have been all kinds of stuff that our government has said was safe only to find out later wasn't. Whether the Government knew when they said it was safe that it wasn't or whether they didn't have enough information to know I can't say and won't say. What I do know is the more informed we make ourselves and the more thinking for ourselves we do the better we all will be. Think for yourself and you may find you have more power than you thought you ever would have.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Attitude is Everything
When you are having a bad day try to keep one thing in mind. Attitude is everything. If you believe the world is falling down on you then you won't see the light that is in front of you.
Many times I have had to repeat to myself and tell myself that it will get better. When I keep that in mind I find that it does get better. The times I don't succeed at keeping that in mind is when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be the farthest away.
There have been many times I thought my world was falling in on me. Granted it has been a few years. Which is probably good. The last major crises I had was pretty bad and screwed my head up extremely bad. Finally I think I am recovering from that.I am not ready to go into all that publicly, but lets put it this way believing it would end kept me going. It was telling myself eventually I would heal that kept me sane. Also the last few years of no drama probably has helped. Weird as it may seem the last 3 years are the most drama free, stress free times I ever remember in my life.
The thing is that life has its ups and downs. Dwelling on the bad times may make you miss the good ones. Yes, I have dated some guys that I wish had never crossed my path and I hope never cross yours, but each one gave me good memories and taught me something. I try to keep that in mind when I look back at the memories. During the bad times I kept it in my mind that as long as I remained strong and kept believing it would get better that eventually things were going to be better. At least for me they were going to get better. The thing is things have gotten better.
Many times I have had to repeat to myself and tell myself that it will get better. When I keep that in mind I find that it does get better. The times I don't succeed at keeping that in mind is when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be the farthest away.
There have been many times I thought my world was falling in on me. Granted it has been a few years. Which is probably good. The last major crises I had was pretty bad and screwed my head up extremely bad. Finally I think I am recovering from that.I am not ready to go into all that publicly, but lets put it this way believing it would end kept me going. It was telling myself eventually I would heal that kept me sane. Also the last few years of no drama probably has helped. Weird as it may seem the last 3 years are the most drama free, stress free times I ever remember in my life.
The thing is that life has its ups and downs. Dwelling on the bad times may make you miss the good ones. Yes, I have dated some guys that I wish had never crossed my path and I hope never cross yours, but each one gave me good memories and taught me something. I try to keep that in mind when I look back at the memories. During the bad times I kept it in my mind that as long as I remained strong and kept believing it would get better that eventually things were going to be better. At least for me they were going to get better. The thing is things have gotten better.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Problems, Errors, Mistakes, and Finding a Path Through Them
I wanted to write something yesterday, but couldn't think of any ideas. Then today it seems everything pointed to this topic. It started with me reading one of my favorite blogs. Then it lead to a blog a friend of mine wrote. I was thinking of starting this out with a funny poem I saw on an old postcard my parents had for Hells Canyon about The Hell You say, but I couldn't find it any where on the internet. So here it goes.
Life isn't fair. We all suffer. Things happen to all of us that we didn't plan. We work hard and sometimes it seems that work doesn't pay. That is life. It doesn't mean you should give up or quick trying. It means that if you really want it you need to keep going for it. You have to earn the good things in life. Granted some people have it easier than others. Some get parents who buy everything and some have parents who put up roadblocks. There are people who get in trouble for doing the right thing and those who get away with doing the wrong thing. It is life and it isn't a reason to give up.
Just because you do what is right doesn't mean you get a reward. There are times that when you do the right thing that you end up being punished. I told the truth to my father about being the only one who was running up and down the stairs. My father didn't believe me for until I lied. In school I got my first detention, because I sat in a desk for my reading class that someone before me wrote on. So even though I was a perfect angel at that time I still got detention without having done anything. I got suspended for several hours after school due to a guy I was dating showing up on campus and someone telling the Dean of students he was my boyfriend. I left him on the other side of the street and told him not to go on campus. He didn't listen. Thankfully I had friends who witnessed me doing this and came to my defense. I have a friend who is one of the best people I know who got in trouble for defending herself in an abusive relationship. Now she is paying for it. We all hope or think that doing the right thing means we will get praise or a prize. Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn't mean you get a prize or praise. Sometimes problems come with it. It is how life tests us. Maybe it is a way to find out who is weak and who is strong enough to still do the right thing even after something bad happens.
No matter what happens in your life. There always is an end. The good things come to an end and the bad things will also come to an end. Just remember when the bad things are happening if you keep trying then sooner or later something good will happen. When the good things happen remember to cherish them while you are having them. Sometimes you might find that there are good things that happen during the bad. When you are having a bad day and a loved one makes you smile or holds you to comfort you that is a great thing. It means someone loves you. Don't just brush it off or forget about it. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people spend their hard times alone with no friends, no family, and no loved ones.
Just keep your head up. Keep going through the hard times. Look for something good to come out of those hard times. A lesson may need to be learned. Maybe you need to be some where to meet someone or to be there for them. We all have hard times. Sometimes it is, because we made the mistake. Then there are times the problems are large and hard to see past. There are errors made by us or other people that can hurt our lives or the ones we think we should have. I have said it before and I believe it. Everything happens for a reason. I have experienced this for myself. Whatever you are going through. However you got there. Just remember it will pass you need to keep trying. Never give up and never give up hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take time and it may feel like it will never end, but if you keep trying to get out you will find it. Just remember use your brain to get out. Especially if your problem is being stuck in quicksand.
Life isn't fair. We all suffer. Things happen to all of us that we didn't plan. We work hard and sometimes it seems that work doesn't pay. That is life. It doesn't mean you should give up or quick trying. It means that if you really want it you need to keep going for it. You have to earn the good things in life. Granted some people have it easier than others. Some get parents who buy everything and some have parents who put up roadblocks. There are people who get in trouble for doing the right thing and those who get away with doing the wrong thing. It is life and it isn't a reason to give up.
Just because you do what is right doesn't mean you get a reward. There are times that when you do the right thing that you end up being punished. I told the truth to my father about being the only one who was running up and down the stairs. My father didn't believe me for until I lied. In school I got my first detention, because I sat in a desk for my reading class that someone before me wrote on. So even though I was a perfect angel at that time I still got detention without having done anything. I got suspended for several hours after school due to a guy I was dating showing up on campus and someone telling the Dean of students he was my boyfriend. I left him on the other side of the street and told him not to go on campus. He didn't listen. Thankfully I had friends who witnessed me doing this and came to my defense. I have a friend who is one of the best people I know who got in trouble for defending herself in an abusive relationship. Now she is paying for it. We all hope or think that doing the right thing means we will get praise or a prize. Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn't mean you get a prize or praise. Sometimes problems come with it. It is how life tests us. Maybe it is a way to find out who is weak and who is strong enough to still do the right thing even after something bad happens.
No matter what happens in your life. There always is an end. The good things come to an end and the bad things will also come to an end. Just remember when the bad things are happening if you keep trying then sooner or later something good will happen. When the good things happen remember to cherish them while you are having them. Sometimes you might find that there are good things that happen during the bad. When you are having a bad day and a loved one makes you smile or holds you to comfort you that is a great thing. It means someone loves you. Don't just brush it off or forget about it. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people spend their hard times alone with no friends, no family, and no loved ones.
Just keep your head up. Keep going through the hard times. Look for something good to come out of those hard times. A lesson may need to be learned. Maybe you need to be some where to meet someone or to be there for them. We all have hard times. Sometimes it is, because we made the mistake. Then there are times the problems are large and hard to see past. There are errors made by us or other people that can hurt our lives or the ones we think we should have. I have said it before and I believe it. Everything happens for a reason. I have experienced this for myself. Whatever you are going through. However you got there. Just remember it will pass you need to keep trying. Never give up and never give up hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take time and it may feel like it will never end, but if you keep trying to get out you will find it. Just remember use your brain to get out. Especially if your problem is being stuck in quicksand.
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