My whole life I wanted a house of my own. You know the place of security. A place of consistency. Now as the time to make a decision on whether I really want to grow roots and settle in one place grows closer I feel myself also growing anxious.
When I was little my family moved a lot. Then I came to Arizona. I have stayed in the Valley of the Sun for 17 years. Granted I have moved around a lot since I have been here, but I have stayed in one state and one area for 17 consecutive years. That has never happened in my life. Before this the record was 6 years and that was from birth to 6. The next record was 4 years and that was Lakeside, OR. Any other time in my life was a year and a half max in one place.
So here is my dilemma. I want a place I own. A place that is mine and that I don't have to pack up and move from. Some place that rent is consistent and that I am comfortable living at. Yet when I think about doing this panic sets in.
One panic is what if I choose the wrong place. What do I do then? I will be stuck with neighbors that are nightmares and in a house I hate. That idea is scary to me. Yet the idea of never having a yard that is mine and a home that is mine out weighs the fear of nightmare neighbors or a house I hate. Neighbors can be ignored and I am excellent at not knowing my neighbors any way since I am a bit anti social to begin with. As for hating the house I am fairly certain if I own it and I hate it I will end up renovating it into something I love piece by piece. It is just who I am. If I don't like something and I am stuck with it I remake it into something I like. If it is something I like, but needs some improvising I have a tendency of changing it. I do it with clothes all the time so I am sure a house can be corrected if I buy one that is sound, but shows up with minor quirks.
The next fear is that I can't move due to I am stuck with the purchase I just made and now I have responsibilities to uphold. What if I meet someone and they turn out to be a psycho who doesn't really want to be with me, but doesn't want to leave me alone either? Now I can't move to prevent them from showing up on my door every so many years. Not an idea I am fond of. Yes, I think about these things. We won't go into why since it really doesn't matter. Most of those situations have been taken care of and are my past. Thank goodness. Yet it doesn't change the fact that it is something I do think about on occasion still.
Finally, the one that concerns me the most. . . . . . . . . . . . Memories. I know that doesn't sound like something to be concerned with. That should be the biggest reason to want a place right? Well up for until I moved to Arizona I never realized how much a place can bring back a memory, both good and bad. I guess it is, because I never stayed any where long enough to have any memories haunt me before here or maybe it is age. What I do know is that I find myself ever so often overwhelmed when I walk by or drive by a place and a memory hits me. I also realized about 3 years ago (maybe it was 4 I can't keep track) how living in a place after something bad happens can cause a lot of emotions to flood through you. I don't like my emotions to hit me unaware. I am use to having control over them. I am use to being able to chose when extreme feelings overwhelm me. So this whole thing of a place hitting me with memories that trigger extreme emotions is something that I am not use to. On one hand I know a normal person would be use to such things and cherish them. Yet I am not a normal person. Nor have I ever been normal. I am not even sure I understand or know what it would be like to be normal. It is this one thing that concerns me the most about buying a house and yet this is one of the greatest reasons I want to buy a house. I know I am being ridiculous feeling this way, but sometimes it is hard not to.
Has there ever been something you really wanted for a long time, but once you started seeing it as a possible reality you started to wonder if you really wanted it? Have you ever had silly concerns about some change you wanted to make? You know a concern you know was ridiculous to have, but you did any way?
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