Random Acts of Kindness or Just Acts of Kindness

I keep hearing about random acts of kindness from people. Some people say that there is no such thing and other people say that there is. For a long time I would have told you that I was on the side of there is no such thing, but last week I had one of those days of revelation. Now I would say both arguments are correct. After I tell you what happened to make me come to this conclusion I will explain why I say both arguments are correct.

The first thing that happened was a simple thing. As with every day after work I was standing outside waiting for the bus. A man and his dog started walking toward the bus stop I was at and the dog stopped to smell my bag. Probably smelled the empty container I had carried my lunch in or who knows what. Well the guy told me the dog was friendly and doesn't bite so I reached to pet the dog. The guy told me thank you and I smiled at him. The dog wasn't letting me pet her and he told me her name was Copper. I tried to call her by her name, but it was obvious she wasn't interested in letting me pet her. They walked on. A little while later they came walking back. The man said "It's us again". I chuckled and smiled. I tried to pet Copper again and this time she let me pet her. I talked to the guy for a little bit and he said "Thank you" again and smiled. After they left and he seemed a little happier I realized why he kept saying thank you. He looked like he was probably a homeless man and probably was use to people looking past him or in discuss at him. Most people probably didn't stop to talk to him, smile at him, or pet his dog Copper. Which means just by noticing him as a person and not treating him differently I showed him kindness. It wasn't my plan or thought to do a kind act. I did what I did, because he was a human with a dog who wasn't out to harm anyone. Clothing or dirt doesn't change that fact.

After that I continued to wait for the bus. When the bus finally showed up the driver didn't pull up to the curb. Instead she motioned me to walk to the bus to get on. So I walked out to the bus that was waiting in the pack of vehicles to move. Once I got on the bus the bus driver thanked me and explained she didn't want to loose her spot with how the traffic was at the time. I told her I understood and didn't blame her. Then one of the guys piped up and said "This lady deserves a standing ovation for not making us have to wait. She probably saved us 15 minutes of waiting to get through the traffic." Again one simple act not meaning to do anything that was kind for anyone yet an act of kindness happened.

So back to what I was saying at the beginning about how both arguments about "Random Acts of Kindess" are right. You see the first group of people that say random acts of kindness are correct due to they say if you plan an act or think about an act in order to do something kind isn't a random act. That is true. If you plan or think about doing an act in order to do a kind act it no longer is a random act of kindness due to it isn't random. Yet the other argument is true as well due to the fact that random acts of kindness do happen just not by us thinking about them or planning them. Random acts of kindness happen when we do the right thing without thinking about it. This happens when we make a practice of doing the right thing. So in the end a person has to make kindness a habit not a thought or a planned action in order for it to become a random act. That doesn't mean we shouldn't plan or think about doing kind acts. It means we should start doing them so much that we just do the kind acts without thinking about them any more. Automatically without thinking about it give a seat to a person who needs it more. When seeing a person struggling automatically without thought help them. If more people start doing that than the world as a whole will become a better place.

Random acts of kindness are only random when done without thought. Otherwise they are just acts of kindness.

Pain. . . . . . . We All Feel It.

Lately due to the problems I have had from time to time I have been thinking about pain. We all have pain and pain can come in many different forms. Sometimes we can see the pain a person is feeling and sometimes the pain is harder to see. There are times that we understand a person's pain and other times that we don't have a clue.

Being a person who doesn't like to complain and doesn't like to burden other people there are many times I feel pain that nobody knows about. Those pains are both emotional and physical. Yet the few times I try to open up to other people about the pain I feel most of them shut me out. I see those same people comfort others in the times that they need it. There are times I see myself doing the same thing to other people. Which made me start to think. Why do we understand some people's pain, but other people we have a hard time understanding? Some people we rush to comfort and other people we hesitate in a confused state of what to do? 

Then there are the times that someone is in physical pain. There are some people we seem to comfort and show compassion to about their pain. Yet there are other people we kind of blow off as if they are looking for attention or are hypochondriacs. Is it easier to accept that some people have health problems than others? It is my experience that when I am feeling sick or in pain a lot of people give me the feeling as if I am faking or trying to get out of something. Which is hard to deal with since I rarely complain about the pain I feel or the nausea I get on a regular basis. Then when people do listen they wonder why I have a hard time facing it and why I don't want to deal with Dr's who don't understand why I didn't rush in at the first sign of a problem. I was raised not to run to a Dr every time I feel pain or every time I get sick. I was raised to deal with pain and that being sick is a fact of life. So when I do decide to go to a Dr. it isn't over a small issue it is over something that has either become unbearable enough that I can barely do daily things or that has scared me enough that I am afraid of what may be causing the problem. You will never see me at a Dr's office for a runny nose, a sore throat, or the flu. I won't even see a Dr about those things when a boss tells me I need a Dr's note to call in for one day. Personally I don't see a problem with not rushing to a Dr about every little thing. I also don't see a problem with the people who worry all the time about their health. What is sad is I know people who rarely went to the Dr who lived long healthy lives and I had a Grandma who was a Nurse who was always vigilant about looking for cancer who died of cancer. I have known people who went to Dr's in excruciating pain to have a Dr tell them to take an aspirin only for the person to die a few weeks later from a tumor. Granted the Dr couldn't have saved at that point, but if they had done more at least her family would have known what was happening. At least the Dr could have helped her with pain management. Then there are the people I have met who Dr's went above and beyond to save a life. Is it the Dr that was the difference or the patient?

I guess what I am trying to make people think about is the next time someone is in pain maybe you should listen and try to comfort them. I am not saying that if they are continually causing themselves pain or continually looking for attention that you shouldn't say enough is enough. What I am saying is if someone who normally doesn't complain or normally doesn't ask for help give them that moment. They came to you for a reason. It really is a blessing when someone chooses you to be the person they turn to. Especially if the person who is turning to you is the type of person who doesn't confide in others. We all have pain. We all deal with pain. It isn't about how we deal with the pain, but how we help other's deal with their pain.

The Best Things in Life are Free

So I was going to write about finding Happy Holidays by spending less instead of getting caught up in the hype. Then a wonderful friend reminded me of something more important. Well several friends really. Yes, sometimes it takes more than one friend hitting the same note several times to jog my memory of what is most in important.

The first thing that happened was that I woke up to a message from a friend who was feeling down about not having as much as her family. I am sure most of us at some point feel that pressure to have more and live a better life. So much so that we some times forget why we chose the path we chose. I know I do sometimes. I could have been married to a guy from a well to do family several times. I could have had nice things galore, gone to fancy restaurants, and traveling where ever I want to go. Yet all those things wouldn't bring real happiness. Just like my friend chose to go with less in her life so she could be there for her husband and her two  wonderful little boys. She could have chosen to walk away from the man she loved to find someone who didn't have all his health problems. She could have chosen not to have two handsome boys. He life probably would be easier. She probably would have a beautiful house. Yet would she have the love and happiness she has now? Would a house instead of an RV filled with love really be better? Does new pretty things replace love? Most people can't have everything. If I had to choose I would choose love. Money doesn't buy real happiness. It only buys objects that eventually fade away. That kind of happiness is short lived.

Later on a friend of mine texted me about his story of when he decided to go back home. The decision was made at a bus stop when something I said kept going through his mind. He kept thinking about when I told him he should make a living with his art. He is a phenomenal artist and I know he could make a decent living with his art if he tried. Well he sold his bicycle on the spot, called his brother, and took a Greyhound home. He didn't even stop to pack his stuff before he left. He decided his love of painting was more important than his belongings. He left and hasn't regretted it since. 

Then I got another message from the friend who was feeling down. In this new message she mentioned her Mother and how she always wanted to be like her. She realized she was more like her Mother than she realized. Her Mother wasn't about having nice things or a perfect life. Her Mother was about love and family. When I read that I remembered the person I wanted to be the most alike in this world. . . . . . My Grandma Jones. My Grandma was the happiest person I ever met. She didn't place her happiness in material things. Her happiness came from family, love, God, nature, and life.She was always happiest when talking about or to family, gardening, hiking, or doing for others. Including a family of bluebirds. Yes, that memory still makes me smile. Heehee. If she found a treasure in the garbage can of another she got excited. For her it wasn't about how she got what she had or how much it cost. It was about the usefulness of the item and not wasting. Granted my Grandpa made enough money that she didn't have to do that. My Grandma's favorite store was the Salvation Army. When I visited she always took me there to go shopping. I remember my first purse came from there. My Grandma decided I was old enough to own my first purse and she took me to the Salvation Army to find one. For her happiness was a simple thing. It wasn't complex or flashy.

All these things made me realize something I keep forgetting. A home isn't what you  put inside it or what the outside looks like. It is built with the love that lives within. I knew that when I was young. That is why I never settled when it came to love and I won't now. I don't want a building empty and cold. I want a home filled with love, warmth, and alive with beautiful memories, sad times, happy times, hard times, and all those things that give you warmth when you feel alone. I think we all need a reminder sometimes. Especially in this crazy world we live in where people look at you weird if you don't meet their standards. It is easy to get caught up and swept away. So hopefully this helped ground you a little against the tide of insanity. Oh and Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy lots of turkey and yumminess.

Family Is.. . . . .

I know I haven't written in a long time. Well here it goes. I am going to try to do this agian.

So with the holidays approaching fast I have been thinking about family again. Alright I always think about family. It seems to be my main concentration always. Here it goes my current thoughts about family. I am pretty sure we can all relate.

While thinking about my family and the other families I know I have realized that all families have fights. Each family has a feud in it and all family members know how to reach those dark spots that we all wish would disappear. So why is it family fights with each other and why do we push those buttons that we know we can and probably shouldn't? I think it has a lot to do with love. I know it sounds crazy, but those who love the hardest and are to much a like seem to fight the most.

So with that said here are the main reasons I have found that most families fight about.

One of the main things I have noticed family has a tendency of starting fights due to caring to much. We all seem to think we know what is best for those we love. Which is funny since most of us don't know what is best for ourselves, but I guess it is easier to see the mistakes when you are the one on the outside looking in. Every person has to make their own choices and yes I do still think if you love someone you have to let them know when you think they are making a mistake. Maybe the key is as simple as not pushing to hard, but also accepting you can't make someone do what "you" think is right. Everyone must make their own mistakes. It isn't easy to watch the ones we love make mistakes. Especially when we have been through several of the mistakes we are seeing them go through.  Why is it harder for us to let the ones we are closest to and love the most to listen to them or even to accept their choices? Maybe it is due to being to close to each other.

There is another thing I have noticed that families fight about. How our family choose to live their lives. Almost every person I know has complained about how a family memeber chooses to live their lives. Here is an idea of what I mean.

Let's say there are two sisters (this seems to happen more with siblings than other family members). We will call one Abbie and one Tabitha. Abbie is the younger sister and feels as if no matter what happens her life is never good enough as far as Tabitha is concerned. Tabitha thinks Abbie should be more stable in her life and live her life more like a business venture than an adventure. Both sisters live a good life. They both have phenomenal kids who excel in school and life. Both of them have made mistakes in love and both have chosen different paths to get where they are. 

Tabitha married a man who was stable, business minded, and maybe a little obsessive compulsive. She loves her husband, her family, and her life. They have a beautiful house and all the comforts money can buy. Which is a good life. Some people might feel she made sacrifices for all those things and maybe she did. If she did though that was her choice. Her decision.

Abbie on the other hand has chosen to follow her heart and not so much her mind. She has been divorced a few times and may not have always made the best financial decisions. Even with all that she has a beautiful daughter, she has a good life, and finally has found a guy who seems to be the right guy. Instead of making her decisions based on her mind she choose to follow her heart. Have all her decisions been wise? Probably not. Has she made sacrifices to try to find what she wants? Yes, she probably has. Again though her decisions are hers. She hasn't destroyed her life or her child's life. They live in a nice home and have the most important comforts of life. They have love, a home, clothes on their backs, food on the table, and each other.

Due to the sister's decisions and their different view points they are fighting. Tabitha doesn't understand Abbie's choices due to they seem like bad choices to her. What Tabitha doesn't see and isn't understanding is that the choices that were good for her aren't necessarily the right choices for Abbie. Abbie has to live her life for her. Just as Tabitha had to live her's for herself. Instead of being made at Abbie for her choices Tabitha should look at Abbie's life and see that her life isn't bad it is just different. Abbie isn't homeless, she isn't on drugs, or dependant on any substance. Abbie's daughter isn't suffering from not having the things that Tabitha provides for her daughters. Both of their lives have good points and bad, but they are the right lives for each of them. They are the lives that God gave them and they chose. To fight about that is pointless and futile. If Tabitha wants to be made at her sister than she should wait for a bigger problem to occur, but she should never shut her sister out. Her sister is a gift she was given.

We all make our choices. Sometimes our family approves and sometimes our family doesn't. Sometimes we approve of our families choices and sometimes we don't. Those differences shouldn't create road blocks between each other. The only time family should ever walk away from each other is when the differences can hurt the other person.

I guess my point is we all have issues with our families and in our families. This holiday season let's all try to put our issues aside. Let's decide to make amends with our family. Invite that family member you are mad at to dinner, call that estranged family member or send them a card whichever makes the most sense. Just don't let life and differences make you decide to loose the greatest gift you were given. Each of us were given a family for a reason. That family can be annoying, irritating, and a lot more. Yet there is one thing they have that no other person has they are a part of a tree. They come from the same roots as you. It doesn't matter if you got grafted on to the tree or if you sprouted out of the tree. The fact is those roots are what drives us and keeps us tied to each other. We don't choose our family and I would like to believe there is a good reason for that. Maybe it is that the people in our family are meant to teach us something. For some it may be patience. Others it may be understanding and for some it may even be minding our own business. The thing is family is important. Embrace your family this holiday season even the drunks, the dreamers, the crazies, the busy bodies, the irritants, the bullies, the egocentric, even the materialistic. Embrace each other and remember you do have at least one thing in common. Each other.

Moving Up and Moving On

So as I have said before I am not perfect.

As a matter of fact I am far from perfect. Yet I love who I am. It took me many years to feel that way. Actually it took me many years to figure out who I was.

When I was a small child I knew who I was and I was proud. Not one person was going to change me and nothing would hold me back from flying as high as I wanted. Then one day I had to start school. That is when my vision of the world started to grow cracks in it. The first time was my first Kindergarten program. I was so excited. My parents had always been then. My Dad tried to  catch a bat for me one morning before he left for work and before I went to school. I wanted him to catch it and he thought it would be great for Show and Tell. Granted he didn't catch it, but I remember my Dad and my Mom taking so much time to help me find the perfect items for Show and Tell. I remember my Dad helping me pick out rocks and shells. My Mom was going to bring my cat to the pet Show and Tell,but when he wouldn't walk across the street on a leash she brought the newborn baby kittens we had at home. So the day that we had our first program and they promised to be there I was so brokenhearted to look out and know I was the only one who's parents didn't show. We lived right across the street from the school. Literally all that was in between was a tennis court and the street. I remember Mrs. Stopper asking if was alright and what was wrong. How do you at age 5 say "My parents didn't come and they promised they would." I did like I have always done. I said I was fine and nothing was wrong. It was the first sign of things to come in my little world.

About a year later not long after I started first grade we ended up having to move. What I remember even more though is the conversation that my parents had with us kids not long before when my Dad said he might have to leave us to make sure we could survive. After we made that first move my parents started changing. It was a slow process.

One other thing is when I was little I was a very emotional and compassionate person. I would literally cry at the idea of anyone being hurt in any way shape or form. I still am compassionate and I still am emotional. The difference is I learned how to control both things. I sometimes wish I still had more compassion than I do now, but I know if I had stayed as compassionate as I was when I was little it would have destroyed me. Unfortunately, in this world there is such a thing as being to compassionate. It wasn't completely clear for until I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees". That movie explains so much. If you haven't seen it you really should. It will make you cry, laugh, and learn so much about life and people. It is one of those deep, soulfully beautiful movies that taught me some things about myself and about life.

After spending so much time hurting due to all around me I started wanting to go the other direction. Around 11 or 12 years old I got to the point I had hurt so much that I just wanted to stop hurting. The problem is I didn't care how I stopped the pain. At about that time I found a book on mind over matter that my brother left behind when he went into the Navy. I read it and I learned about self hypnosis, subliminal messages that you can give to yourself while you start to fall asleep/while you are sleeping, and how to shut off the portion of your brain that can feel pain. Using some of the techniques mentioned in the book I taught myself to wake up every time my body wanted to flip. (I was told I was a violent sleeper that flailed around in my sleep). I also found out that if I kept the right mind set and I prepared myself mentally I could handle the pain people gave me. I started with the physical pain and eventually it lead to emotional pain. By the time I was 13 I realized I could walk through a hall full of people disappear and not see one person or hear them. Nothing they could say or do could phase me or hurt me. At some point though a light started shining through all the darkness that started to surround me. Granted that light started small, but thankfully it grew as time went by. By the time I was 14 I started slowly finding happiness. It took a lot of years to work through all that pain, the rage, and fear. Thankfully I had friends, family, and sometimes even strangers who gave me hope or encouragement when it was hard.

Now after so many years I am a woman who is mostly optimistic, the majority of the time happy, and more often than not strong. Through all the things that happened I have learned a lot and hopefully with all I have gained I can help others. Once a friend of mine asked people what is the definition of success. My answer is when you find who you are, you are happy with who you see in the mirror (not what you see, but the person under the skin), and if you unselfishly try to help those around you when they need it. If you can find encouraging words, words of comfort, actions that help, or a way to shine a light into the world to make it better along with loving the person you are then I think that is the ultimate form of success.

May you find your success and may you bring more light to a dark world each day of your life.

Learn Something New and Forget Something Important

So here it is. I learned a lot in history class. Not sure if anyone else did or not. With looking around though it doesn't appear to me anyone who is in charge paid attention.

Alright here is my first example. Companies back before the Great Depression. Anyone remember what some of the biggest problems with how most businesses were ran before the Great Depression? They were ran thinking about the dollar. How much was coming in at the moment and how to save as much money as possible. This included low pay rates, minimal work crews who weren't paid extra for their time, few or no benefits all in the name of the Mighty Dollar. Where did that lead those companies? People starting their own gardens to implement for food. Canning the extra food from their gardens. Raising chickens for food and eggs. Many people learned to use soups and other foods to stretch their limited food due to not having enough money. Does this remind you of anything?

So why are companies still laying people off? How is making more unemployed people going to improve the market? Here is what I think and I give props to the companies who are doing something to help rather then add to the problem. If money is the concern of the company. Take some of the money from the top and spread it to the people in the lower portions of the company. Stop buying needless items in the company name. What reason does a company really need condos or jets for? Why does there need to be expensive cars on the company expense reports? If a company is heading into rough times isn't it wiser to get rid of needless expenditures? Just an idea that I would do if I owned a company. I would also take a pay cut if I was making millions a year. Who really needs to make millions in a year? I am not saying it isn't nice or that I wouldn't want to. My point is who needs to. If the concern is money then cut the upper parts of the companies top paying people's pay by a set amount, remove extra unnecessary expenditures, and be open to your employees on the decisions you are making and the reasons. The reason this is a good plan in my opinion is due to the larger picture.

Here is the larger picture.

Take a pay cut now so that there are still a larger amount of people employed.

The more people employed the more people spending money.

The more people spending money the more money coming into the company.

As people see a company who cares about the current problems, cares about their customers, and cares about their employees more people look at that company and want to do business with them. They gain respect for the company.

Now if companies keep looking at the smaller picture here is what you see.

People without jobs.

Which leads to people who don't have money to spend.

People making less money due to companies not paying enough.

Again leading to less spending.

Companies not providing as many benefits.

Causing people to get sick and not able to work.

Once again less spending.

What does less spending lead to?

Oh ya. Less spending means less customers. 

Less customers leads to what happening again? I keep forgetting how that works. Oh ya I remember it leads to less revenue.

Less revenue leads to? Can anyone guess?

That is right companies going bankrupt.

So lets go back to how learning something new makes us forget something important.

New technology has made us start forgetting some very important things. One of those major things is customer service. One on one help. Granted internet help is a wonderful thing for quick items such as paying a bill or finding simple answers. I am not knocking technology. I love paying bills online.I love paying my bill through the automated system. What I don't love is IMing a person about being billed wrong or when I have a problem. I don't like having to answer a million questions that have nothing to do with my problem through an automated system. Save me time and a headache please. Just implement the 0 option. That way when the automated system is taking my calm peaceful self to a very irritated and angry person I can press 0 and get help. Otherwise I won't be as reasonable by the time someone has to speak to me. Also nothing pisses me off faster and makes me want to end all services with a company faster than not being able to contact the company. I am willing to go without any service I have if my only other choice is to be left talking to a machine when I need a quick simple fix or I am not being treated like a human being. I  am serious. I can live without internet. I can live without a phone. Electricity is ify, but if need by I will find a way to live without it. Campgrounds are great and cheap if I can't find a good place to call home. Get my point? There isn't a service provided that I pay money for that I can't live without if need be. Learn that companies. You aren't the end all be all of my life. Nor should you be that for anyone else. We have the power people.

If you have the choice of a company that treats you better and treats their employees better make that choice. I hear people complaining all the time about gas prices. Yet nobody seems concerned about who provides their service or what they are doing. I am not saying for you to give everything up. I just want companies and people to realize in order to make it through the hard times we all need to help each other. As a country we need to band together like we have always done. History isn't there to be forgotten. It is there to learn from. If we move forward in one are, but start making past mistakes while moving forward how does that help us?

Alright enough on this subject. I have other examples of how we learn something new and forget something important that I will get into later. Stay tuned. If you agreed with any of this or liked it please press the share button. If you have a comment please feel free to leave one below or contact me directly. I hope this made you start thinking or opened your mind some. If not then I hope it was at least entertaining. If it did open your mind then I did m

What Makes Someone A Hero?

This one is inspired by an e-mail my Aunt sent me. During answering a question she asked I started thinking about how two people I know especially one in particular helped save me. It is hard to explain, but I am going to try. I am also going to try to explain and list the things I believe make a person a hero.

First though I have a question for you. When you here the word hero what comes to mind?

Do you think of superheros such as Spiderman, Batman, Wonderwoman? Do you think of a person who rescues someone from harm? How about Firefighters, Police, Doctors, Nurses, or Soldiers?


Do you ever think of parents, teachers, grandparents, foster parents, Aunts, Uncles, sisters, brothers, or a person/couple that adopt a child? How about a neighbor who helps a child find their way home or that gives a child a safe place to hide? Are friends who are there for you through all the good and bad times heros?

To me what makes a hero is simple. It is someone who saves a person or makes a difference in a positive way to someone's life. There are many ways to be a hero and each person has what it takes.

What made me start thinking about this is thinking about my Mom's parents. It is hard for me to say all the things they did for me and my family. I probably don't even know everything. Many things I have learned, but I am sure there are still some secrets I may never know. Honestly for the first time in my life I think it might be better not to know some of them. Well here it goes. I will try to write this clearly without putting anything negative in here. For those who know some of the things that I went through. Well you might realize how important some of those small things were. Yet I am sorry to say I don't think any of those reading this will ever know everything I went through and you probably never will. Some things are best left in the past. That is where they belong. So here goes nothing. I hope I do just for what I am going to say.

My childhood has never been picture perfect. Growing up hearing how my parents once were or how great things were before my memories doesn't change that I never really knew those times. Please understand my childhood is part of what made me who I am. It was both the good and the bad. If it wasn't for them both I don't think I would understand other people's problems as well. I have no anger toward anyone who may have caused in pain in my past, but it is those people who were there during those painful times that I made it through. The two main rocks in that were my Mom's Parents. Especially my Grandma.

Telling how my Grandma saved me and helped me is hard. There is a lot of hard to explain things. Mostly they are hard due to I am just now realizing the importance. I am starting to think we all subconsciously know how important a moment is at the time. The problem is we may only realize later how important that moment is and we may not have the chance to tell those who made it important.

If someone listens to me and hears what I say they will realize Oregon is important to me. I moved around a lot when I was little. Most people know that, but they have a hard time keeping track of it all. I don't think most people can wrap their head around my life. To tell the truth I have a hard time with it myself, but that is more due to the way my brain works. Most people don't realize I only have bits and pieces of memories. Some things I remember so clearly that I feel almost as if I could reach out and touch them. It sometimes feels like I am actually there. Then there are the memories that seem vague and distant. Those ones feel more like they were part of a story told to me. They are the ones I feel so distant from that even when I tell them I feel disconnected from them. Then there are the ones that pop up here and there. They are only fragments that I sometimes can grab and other times I just get a glimpse and forget. I am sure there are still those memories that are suppressed. I only believe that due to several that have hit me at different times when I least expected it. So I don't think it is to unbelievable to believe that there may be more. Sorry I regressed, but maybe this will help you understand the rest.

Oregon is important to me mainly due to it is the only place that has always been in my life. It is where my Mom's parents lived. So in the beginning it is where I went every summer. We would spend the 4th of July and my Grandpa's Birthday there. I remember some of those memories. They are vague due to how little I was, but they are some of the more tangible ones I have. I remember watching Grandpa make homemade ice cream and he would let us test taste it. I remember Grandma grabbing apples out of her huge shed so we could feed them to the neighbors donkey. There were the evenings when my Uncle Danny would help light the sparklers for us kids. I remember I only wanted him to light mine. Then it would start to get dark. We would all go out to the driveway that overlooked Ashland and watch the fireworks. My Dad would sing to us and I always insisted he sing Lemon Tree. There also was the parade that happened in downtown Ashland. This is back when Ashland still had the old shops. Before the original owners sold them due to getting to old. Now most of those shops are gone and there are a lot of new fangled shops in their place. Every time I think about that I am sad. Mainly due to those shopkeepers were the same ones that knew my Mom when she was little. Those were the days when most people in Ashland knew my Grandparents' name.

Later as my life changed and my family started moving Oregon remained a part of my life. At one point I lived with my Grandparents during my 2nd grade year. Don't ask me how long we were there. I honestly don't remember,but I can tell you most of the good memories that year were when I was there. It was that year that we did most of our moves. The year before is when my Dad's mother passed away and a lot happened after that. I know I didn't start that year in Ashland and I didn't finish it there either. Honestly I don't remember where I started my 2nd grade year. I know I went to several schools in Idaho that year, one in Nevada, Ashland for part of it, and I finished the very last part of it in Kemmerer, Wy. When my Dad came to tell us it was time to leave my Grandparents' home I didn't want to go. I liked it there. People were nice to me and my Grandma made me feel like everything was going to be alright. That was the most stable and normal time I ever had. There weren't any scary moments while I was there. There were to many good memories while I was there to mention, but I can say that was one of the few times in my life that anyone came to my school to see me do anything.

During that year as I mentioned we moved to Kemmerer, Wyoming. School wise it was the worst of my life. Home wise things were still yet to get worse. The next year toward the beginning of 3rd Grade my Grandparents came to visit. Honestly other than church, youth group, my friend Sara, and my best friend Jenny it was the only good memory I had in that town. I literally only had two friends even close to my age. The others were my sisters friends in Jr. High. The rest of the town well lets say treated me worst than any other place I had been before or since. It was there that I first almost lost my temper and I was about to hit someone. Granted there were some people who secretly wanted to be my friend, but knowing that didn't take the hurt away. It only gave me understanding later and made me feel bad for them. During my Grandparent's visit my Grandpa walked to and from school with me everyday and even took the time to stay for a little while one day. Which meant the world to me.

As I got older we ended up moving back to Oregon. On our way back there we stopped in Ashland to see my Grandparents. We ended up staying in our bus in the church parking lot for a while. Then we came back and stayed above Ashland at a lake. Eventually after driving around the Coast and several visits to Ashland area we landed in Winchester Bay and then Lakeside. While living there my Grandparents came and visited. They also a few times talked my parents into visiting them a few times. Once I got old enough to start wanting to write letters and want family around I started writing my Grandma. She would tell me about my relatives and give me their address. I tried writing all of them, but only her and my Uncle Danny ever responded back. Those letters meant the world to me since I was alone and had nobody during that time. My sisters who I was closest to had started to move out and build their own lives. Things started getting really tough and scary at home. School life was the same as in every other place.Kids were kids and most of them were mean. Those who weren't mean didn't stop those who were. They just stood there.  Again though there are no hard or angry feelings. It was those experiences that gave me insight to understand other people and their problems. Those experiences made me strong and made me who I am now.They are also the same ones that created some of my problems. Due though to my Grandparents who were always my rock and my one stable thing always there I had a light and hope. They were the ones that reminded me God was always there.

They were my heros. They may never know or realize how much their love did for me or how grateful I was for it,but I know. I realize now how much influence all they did had on me. Granted later I made friends who also become my heros by pulling me out of my shell and by being there when I needed them. Also I had teachers who gave me confidence and told me I could be something great.Without my Grandparents, teachers, my two sisters I was closest to, and my friends I never would have made it. I would have stopped trying or worse.

It is those people who rescue us when we need rescuing the most that are our heros. They can save us from ourselves, from pain, loneliness, other people, and even circumstances. We have that ability each of us within us. You may be someone's hero and not even know it.

Vixen Vintage: 2. Ms. Tips Vintage $40 gift certificate!

Vixen Vintage: 2. Ms. Tips Vintage $40 gift certificate!

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There were lots of things I liked, but this one was very unique and beautiful at the same time.

Where are the Happy Stories or the Real News?

Alright I know I have been really bad about writing since I moved. Sorry about that.


So due to several things that I read today and that people have said I started thinking about something that bothers me on occasion. Why is it the news talks so much about all the personal stupidity of celebrities? Shouldn't they be talking about the news or doing stories that will change the world some how?

If I wanted to know about how which celebrity is adopting a baby or who got arrested now for what I would read the Enquirer or People Magazine. When I turn on the news or buy a paper I want to hear about what is happening in the world, our country, in my state, in my town, or about some inspiring story that will encourage me to go do something good. I don't want to read about how some stranger decided to throw their life away on drugs or due to some mental breakdown and how they want attention for it. Oh and let's not forget how they want to make money off of us while they throw their life down the gutter. Seriously why are we encouraging bad behavior in people? Shouldn't we be more interested in the people who are doing good in the world?

Every day even when we aren't in a war there are people who work hard to protect our rights and our way of our life. Yet how often do we go and give them praise or thank them? I know I don't do it as much as I should. I have a friend that every time I am with him he makes me proud to know him. No matter where we are if he sees a person in uniform he always makes a point to walk up to them and tell them thank you for serving  our country. It is the people who make a difference in the world that we should be thanking for what they do every time we see them. They are the ones we should be proud to know and meet. The list is a long one, but I will try to name a few right now.  Teachers, Soldiers, Parents, Volunteers, Nurses, some Doctors, those who do good not for a reward or any thought other than it is right.

Not that long ago I was listening to some old radio shows and it reminded me of how once upon a time people use to give awards to those who did something good. Now we praise people for doing drugs, killing people, and just generally hurting those around them including themselves. Why aren't those the stories that we only here once or twice and we let them fade?

I do get having some not so happy stories. Such as when a company is doing wrong? That is warning people not helping the company grow larger. If there is a bad habit that people are doing then bringing that to people's attention is good so they can see the wrong in their behavior. Loving when someone is destroying their life and giving them praise for doing wrong isn't good. Giving those people time on TV or in the papers isn't right.

Hopefully some day the world will remember to teach our children to do right. That being modest isn't a bad thing, but actually is more alluring than revealing all their goods for the world to see. Good deeds do get rewarded and bad deeds get punished. Hurting people is wrong no matter what is happening around you or how different a person is. Sex isn't something to be used as a weapon or be given away like it doesn't matter. It is a gift to be shared with someone you love and care about in order to reach a higher level of connection. Knowing people and trusting them is something that is important. Only we can make a difference. One person at a time we need to make a difference.

Never Give Up

Ok. I admit this I am writing this one for myself and anyone else who needs it.


Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will.
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill.
When funds are low, and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow.
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned  inside out.
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are.
It  may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst.
That you must not quit.

I don't know who wrote this, but it is on a plaque I bought a long time ago when my life started turning around. Granted at the time I didn't realize my life had started turning around, but looking back I realize that is when my life started to change.

It was at that time I had landed a job that would lead to where I am now. That job gave me the confidence I needed to realize what I was worth. Before that I kept telling myself I was better than minimum wage jobs and I would find a way past those jobs. Yet before that job it was just something I told myself and half way believed. After that job I started realizing I could do it. Something about receiving over $1,000 a week after taxes really makes you see things differently. Granted that is the only job I made that much money at and granted I worked a crap load of overtime to get those checks, but the point is seeing those checks opened my eyes. I saw that if I could do it once I could do it again.

So when that job ended and I started my next job I knew I took a steep pay cut. I went from over $20 an hour down to below $10 an hour. Still seeing those paychecks kept me believing I could make that kind of money again. So I worked hard and eventually worked my way up in the company to a better position. That position is where I am now and I may not be making as much money right now, but I am gaining experience that I can use. Whether I use this experience in this company or whether I end up going else where doesn't matter. What does matter is I know have an Associates degree (which I hope to work on making a Bachelors) and I have new experience that will help me with improving my work no matter the path I choose to follow.

You see there were many times I could have given up. There are so many I would rather not think about them. Instead I kept telling myself I could do this. That I was meant to be something more and I still believe I am meant to be something more.

Granted I still have a long way to come in work and life. Such as getting past nerves that took over today when I needed nerves of steel and confidence. The funny part about that is I wasn't really that nervous for until I walked in and she told me she just wanted to get to know us. Then she sat back, arms crossed, and just listened. At that point I started feeling like a little kid who was in trouble and telling her story of what happened full well knowing it didn't matter. At the end I think I loosened up and maybe recovered. Well I hope I recovered some, but the point is this. Yes, I screwed up and froze. Yes, I should have done better and I probably should have better prepared myself. Still though I am not going to believe I am in a sinking ship and that I have no way out. If for some reason this one meeting decides my fate where I am at then I will take that as a sign that it is time for me to move on else where. Especially since I haven't frozen up like that in years and I really can't place the last time I did. So I am going with the perspective that no matter what "What will be will be and I will take it and make it great". That is my motto and who I am. I never go down for to long before rising backup to the top.

As for in my personal life. Again I have been blessed with meeting some great guys, some alright guys, and some guys that I can only say we had fun and I learned something from it. Even though I loved them all in my own way. None of them were the one due to my having to find myself before I could be happy with them. Them needing to figure out where they were heading. Bad timing or just heading in totally different directions. Despite all that I am still looking for the guy who is happy with not saving me,but loving me instead. If I never find him than at least I have friend's and family who love me and aren't trying to save me. Honestly I really can't complain as long as I have them surrounding me with so much love and understanding. Though it would be nice to have someone to share the load with sometimes and I could snuggle in with after a bad day to make it shine a little brighter. Either way though I am finally happy and content with my life. I have a nice apartment, a good job, and the best of friends any person can ask for. Plus certain dreams of my family finding a way to get a long I think is starting to fall into place. Still lots of work to be done, but I think we are making progress.

I hope you don't give up on whatever it is you are striving for. Remember as long as your alive it is never to late to achieve your dreams. Whatever they may be. Shoot for the stars. Rope the moon. If all else fails just dance with those around you. That will make it all better. Oh and never let grouches take you down. Always laugh at them and hope they realize how silly they sound.

The Reasons I Can't be a Nanny

So I was thinking and texting my niece. Oh how I love those rascally kids even though she is now in her twenties.Which then brought me to thinking about all the reasons I could never be a Nanny. I am sure I would love the job and excel at it beyond any other job. Yet here are my reasons why it isn't the job for me.

1. I get to attached. You see I am an over loving and caring person. So it doesn't take much for me to get attached to people and care about them. It is my blessing and curse all in one. It can work for me or against me.


2. When caring for another person's child 24/7 you have to remember they aren't your child. Yes, you are the person feeding them, clothing them, punishing them, teaching them, and all that wonderful stuff. Yet in the end they aren't yours to keep. In the end the parents can decide to take those children away. Hence why Number 1 would work against me.


3. I don't have a drivers license and most of the good Nanny jobs want you to be able to pick the kids up, drop them off, and run errands for them. That is kind of hard to do without a license.

Those are about the only reasons. Other than those reasons I think being a Nanny would be the best job ever. Imagine getting paid to teach a kid how to count, their alphabet, play with play doh, draw, and all those fun things that only kids and those taking care of kids get to do. Yep best job ever if you can remember it is a job and don't get to attached.

What a True Family Is!

Alright I have avoided this for a long time, because I was afraid I wouldn't find the right words to say what I really want to say. Yet today I read a post that made me find the words to say it. At least I hope. So here it is.

Family isn't about blood or genetics. Yes, these things can play a part, but in the end family is more than that. I know I said this before, but there were a few things I think I left out due to fear of how to word them. So here are the points I want to get across.

You don't  to donate sperm or an egg. You don't have to carry a child in your womb or go through the pains of giving birth to a child to love a child. It doesn't even take having legal custody of a child to love them. None of these things guarantee a person will love a child that has come into their lives. Trust me I know. I am tired of people telling me I don't know what it is like to be a parent. Really? So spanking a kid, grounding them, waking them up, comforting them, cleanup their puke, telling them things are going to be alright, feeding them, bathing them, buying them their needs, helping them with schoolwork, all these things don't constitute knowing what it is like to raise a child? I am pretty sure waking up in the middle of the night to feed a child or to comfort them after a nightmare is what a parent does. Granted I don't know all the things of being a parent since I was more like a nanny at times, but a nanny can know what caring for a child in a maternal way is like. It still hurts like Hell to have the child removed from your life and can still leave a huge hole in your life. So yes I believe a person who has taken care of a child for a long period of time can know what it is like to love a child that isn't theirs as if they were their own. They can be protective over those kids as a parent would be since they have also created a bond with that child that is strong. Granted the person caring for the child isn't their parent, but it doesn't lesson the feelings of having them removed from their life.

Another topic I want to touch on is adopted children. I have two Aunts and two Uncles. Three of these are Korean and adopted. It isn't my Mom's blood brother that I think of when I think of Aunts and Uncles. It is my Korean ones since I don't even remember meeting my other Uncle for until I was 13 and the next time I saw him was my Grandma's Memorial. I barely know anything about him. I heard more stories about his daughter and her family than him. I knew pieces about his life due to letters that were sent, but he was more like a distant relative. I never once thought of my Aunts or my Uncle as anything less than family. The fact they were adopted was no less to me than any other thing other than a gift that God gave my Grandma as an answer to a long awaited prayer. They were a miracle and the greatest gift my Grandma ever received. She never saw them as anything other than her children. My Grandpa never saw them as anything, but his children. They waited years. To many years for these three perfect children to be born and come into their lives. I don't care what anyone says. That Reader's Digest article about the Holt Group came when my Grandparents were giving up hope on ever having any more children. When my Grandma read that article she saw hope. When she saw the pictures of her children she felt they were the ones. She looked at hundreds of pictures and knew when she saw them they were the ones. I know this, because my Mom told me the stories. She told me how when my Grandma saw my Uncle's picture my Grandma knew that God wanted her to bring him home. I finally heard from my Grandpa how my beautiful Aunt Sharon was older than my other Aunt or Uncle when she was adopted. He worried about how she was older, but my Grandma knew she was meant to be her child. These three children were heaven sent to be my family. God chose them to be my Aunts and Uncle just as he chose my Mom and Uncle David to be born to my Grandparents. It hurts me when my Aunts and Uncle talk as if they are a separate family from my Mom. I know it feels that way to them and I acknowledge that, but never did my Mom ever talk about them as anything other than her siblings. She spoke about them the same as she did her brother David. Actually my Mom probably talked more lovingly about them than she did about my Uncle David. She loved them as her baby siblings. She loved them in the way only an older sibling can. I know I have seen that look many times from my older siblings. It also hurt when my Uncle introduced me to people and made a point to point out we don't look like family. I don't know why. I don't see the difference. I have two sisters who look nothing like me at all. They have blondish brown hair, green eyes, were extremely skinny in their youth, and tall. Their faces are totally different then mine. Hell they could be adopted looking at them. I still have no clue where their looks came from. Out of five kids three of us look alike and obviously look like Mom's side. The other two look nothing like anyone I can think of yet I don't make a point to point out the differences. To me family is family. It doesn't matter how you become family. It doesn't matter if you don't look alike or if there are years that separate you from your siblings. I have friends who have kids the same age as their siblings. No they didn't have kids as teenagers. Their parents were gifted with children later in life. My friends don't call those children their parents second family. The only time I have ever heard that term used was when a parent left and raised another family separate from each other and when my Aunts and Uncle talk. I know they mean no harm and I understand why they feel that way. Yet they are the only Aunts and Uncle I ever knew. They were the only siblings of my parents in my eyes for years. To me there was no separation. There was nothing that makes them different. They have been all I have known my whole life. As far as I am concerned there is only one family. The one my Grandparents loved equally.

So here is what I have to say. If I ever find the one or I ever have the money/life that I feel I can raise a family on my own this is what I want. I want one maybe two pregnancies. After that I want to adopted children. Not newborns that everyone wants and fights over. I want to adopt the children that are less likely to find a home due to age or problems. I don't care about race or background. Actually the more diverse the better to me. The reason being I think having children who see each other as family due to what really makes a family is better than kids who think blood is what makes family. What really makes a family is love. L-O-V-E. That is what makes a family. Marriage brings a person to a family through. . .. .. . . LOVE. Adoption brings a person into a family through. . . . . . . . . LOVE. A child in the neighborhood who needs guidance and a person who cares is brought into a family through. . . . . . . . . . Once again LOVE. What is the key here? Oh ya LOVE. Love is what makes a family. Not blood. Not genetics. Not sperm. Not an egg. Not pregnancy. It is LOVE. Everyone can prove they are related through blood and genetics if you go far enough back. Technically James Gardner is my cousin. Doesn't make him my family as far as he is concerned or I am concerned. Sperm and an egg coming together doesn't make a parent. That just means you are a donor that created a child to be loved and parented by a person. Whether it is you and the other donor, you and another person, the other donor and another person, or people who had nothing genetically to don with the child. Carrying a child inside you and giving birth to them doesn't make you a Mother. That makes you the carrier and deliverer of a child that once again is meant to be loved and parented by a person. There doesn't even have to be two people to love and care for that child. In some cases there is only one. The person who is the World to that child. A person who loves them unconditionally and would give anything to protect that child and to protect that child's happiness and dreams. That is family. It is a bond stronger than any other bond you will find. Time, money, and anything else you can think of won't break that bond.

The next time you see a family remember LOVE is what makes them that. Never when I was growing up did I think anything about the differences between my Mom's siblings. It wasn't for until I was older that I started seeing that people might see a difference. I was literally about 16 before I ever realized anyone would question them being my family and it wasn't for until I was an adult that I ever thought anyone in the family would think of the difference. So yes it hurts to think of that beautiful family as anything than one whole family. It was taught to me as one family not two and I won't and refuse to see it as anything else. My Grandparents had one family. Three girls and two boys who they loved more than life itself. Who was their World. They would have done anything for anyone of these five beautiful kids. These children were their world. Just as much as any child given birth to was. My Mom loved them just as any big sister would and was excited to have them join the family. She loved them so much that my Grandpa told my Mom that they were Grandma's new toys not hers and if she wanted one to go have her own. LOL. Spoken like a true father to his teenage daughter who wants to play with their younger siblings as a doll. I love my family. I love the lack of judgment I was raised with. I love the fact I can see past all the things most people are blinded by.

Dreams

We all have dreams. There is always that thing that we all want which is a job we love doing. Some of us pursue our dreams at any cost. There will be those who do and succeed at making their dream a reality. Then there are those of us who want to pursue our dreams, but are afraid of falling on our butts or worse our faces. There are also those who chase their dreams and never see anything come of it. I rather not think about those since I respect them chasing their dream, but it makes me sad.

So I will admit I am one of the ones who has a dream and is deathly afraid of falling straight onto my face and breaking my nose along with creating a ton of scratches that probably will permanently scare my face. My dream is to write and inspire people. Yet I know the reality is that most writers never make any money and if they do it is usually only a meager amount. The problem for me is I like having food, clothes, a nice warm bed to sleep in under a roof that I pay for, I like nice vacations, and I like my hobbies. True I could write and work as well. Then there is my second problem. Knowing I put all my heart and soul into something only to hear people criticize it. I think though I am starting to overcome all that. That actually is part of the reason I started writing this blog. Granted yes my friend suggested I write a blog, but in the end I started thinking if I can do that on a regular basis then maybe I can work myself up to starting a story and finishing it.

I have tons of ideas for books. My problem is starting the story and finishing it. The good news is once I write it I have people I trust to proof read it and give me honest harsh feedback. Which I am hoping will help me correct whatever issues I have in it before I go to publish it.

Once I write the book and get people to proof read it and correct the things that need fixing. aka final draft. Hate final drafts by the way. I then have the problem of either finding an agent to represent me while I try to get a publishing company to want to publish my book or to decide to self publish and do my own campaign to get people to read it. Which my not liking to confront people might make hard, but I think I would do in order to make a dream come true.

Yikes the idea of calling bookstores and pushing myself and my dream on to people. That is scary, but I know would be necessary for me to do. Hhhhmmm! I wonder if I could get some of my friends to work for me. Well at this time I have to work myself up to writing the books first. Which appears to be getting there.

My other dream would be to do photography. Mainly landscape photography and wildlife. I plan on taking classes in the next few years and hope to build that up enough to either win a photo contest or get a picture published. If I get good enough I might even go and see if I can get a booth at a fair and try selling some prints.

Either way I know eventually I will figure something out. I may never become famous, but I would at least like to know I tried.

What are your dreams? Have you fulfilled them? Are you working toward it or have you given them up?
It is never to late to chase your dreams.

The People We See

When you see someone what do you notice first? The very first thing before anything else.

Me personally I see a person. I can honestly say I would be the worst witness for who was some place when something happens. I mean I see people and I notice them when I see them, but the things I notice would be hard to use for a description. It takes me a while to notice the outer part of a person. Well unless it is something that sticks out. Like there is this one lady I have seen ride the bus and I so want to know her story, because she has all different kinds and colors of piercings. Yet I am fairly certain walking up to her and asking her why she has so many piercings on her face would be constituted as rude instead of just interested curiosity.

Another person was this guy who had regular AA batteries in his ear lobes. Now I have seen a lot of things. I have seen gauged earrings (which some of those earrings are amazing looking, but I still want to wear my regular ones so I won't do it), I have seen people put safety pins in their ears, and even paperclips in their ears. Yet I so wanted to go up to this guy and ask "So why did you chose to put batteries in your ears?"

Granted I am not judging either of these people. Actually I find them quite fascinating and I would love the chance to hear the stories behind why.

You see I wouldn't make a great witness, because while everyone else is noticing their hair color, clothes, skin color, and all the stuff that allows you to spot the person. I am watching for clues to who the person is. Granted hair style and clothes can sometimes give me clues to that I have found that there are other things that are a better gauge. How a person talks can tell me a lot about a person. I don't mean accents (though sometimes those will help). I mean the words themselves that they are saying and how they string them together to form a thought. Our words are influenced by the music we listen to, our friends, family, education, tv, radio, where we were brought up, and sometimes even our hobbies. Also how we speak can tell another person some of the places you have been. Such as certain words or phrases that a person says will let me know they have been in prison. It isn't just the words though. It is also how they say those words and who they say them to. Words can also tell me if a young person thinks they are bad or if they are more focused on being a kid. Words are a powerful weapon and many people will judge others off of their words. When someone meets you they may think you are smart due to what you say or they may think you are dumb due to what you say. I have been told that being quiet can actually prevent you from making a wrong impression. I can see that, but it also can make you seem aloof, stuck up, or unapproachable. Talking to much can make yo seem like a know it all (even if you don't think you know it all. You just are trying to be a part of a conversation you thought someone was having with you), it can make you seem like you aren't listening to the other person (even when you hear them and you again are trying to have a conversation that isn't one sided), or make you seem dumb since you may not know something or may say something wrong. Our words hold heavy weight. They can also hurt people on purpose or by accident just by the infliction of them or the wording of them. They can also help someone find understanding if given to someone who wants to hear them.

Another thing that gives people an insight to who you are is how you carry yourself. If you kind of slouch and try to disappear into the corner or the shadows then you may come off as insecure or shy. If you stand up straight and carry yourself with to much confidence then people might think your arrogant and self righteous. There are many ways you can carry yourself. Honestly I think the unknown, unthinking posture that people have can tell a person a great deal about a person. If I had held to some of my first instincts when I saw some of my ex boyfriends walking up toward me I might have been better off. Yet I believe in giving people a chance to introduce who they are to me since sometimes people can be victims of circumstances or past mistakes. Call it my good heart or my Mother Theresa syndrome or whatever you want. Sometimes I wonder if my Grandma suffered from it as well and that it was my Grandpa marrying her that kept her out of trouble. LOL. Who knows. Oh I got off track again. Basically how you carry yourself could be a big part of how people will judge who you are.

Clothes will also tell you some things about a person. Just please don't judge me by my clothes. LOL. I am a klutz and I can literally walk out of the house pristine and in a matter of minutes look like a mess due to the forces that be. Yet some people purposely walk out of their house with their undergarments showing or a number of other fashion choices I don't understand. Again I am not judging. I believe in free will and choice and I have been called odd or crazy due to some of my fashion choices. Yet I do know one thing if I see someone wearing an Otep shirt they like metal music. If they are wearing a Garth Brooks shirt, a baseball cap, some tight jeans (gotta love the tight jeans), and some cowboy boots they probably like country music. Just like a person wearing a NASCAR jacket probably likes NASCAR. The same goes with some clothes can tell me the type of work you do. If you are wearing a coveralls with grease stains I am going to guess you are a mechanic (especially if your name is on them or a company name is). If you are wearing black slacks, comfortable black shoes, and a polo shirt that says Taco Bell I am guessing you work at Taco Bell. If you are wearing a suit depending on the type of suit I will either guess you work in an office, a sells job, or a high end Call Center. The nicer the suit the better the job I am going to guess. So clothes may not make the person, but they can give clues as to who they are and where they work. Oh also funny sayin's on a t-shirt can give me insight on what kind of sense of humor you have.

Then there is your cleanliness. Granted most of us I hope like to take baths or showers on a regular basis. If not and you have them available I might suggest please start using them for the sake of those around you. Yet there are other things that can give a clue as to the person. Again please don't judge me due to I find ironing a pointless thing unless there are major wrinkles since by the time I get where I am going it will look like I didn't iron them any way. Also don't judge me for anything that spilled, rubbed on to, or attached itself to my clothes. I try not to get things on my clothes, but I swear I am one of those people that things just attach themselves to me. Plus I am a huge klutz. I will literally walk into things, run into things, spill things, or knock something over at least 20-30 times a day. Also if there is something I can cut myself on or burn myself with some how it will happen. It is a given and I accept it. So back to cleanliness. If someone has clothes that obviously haven't been washed or has severe wrinkles in them a lot of people will wonder about them. Then again I have had people judge me due to a few fuzzies on my clothes, a mark on my clothes that some how got there between home and where I was going, oh and for not dressing to the nines all the time. I like looking nice, but I also like to be comfortable. The good news is I am usually clean except after scrubbing the house, hiking, a long week/weekend of camping, or doing something messy. Oh and I am lovable, sweet, caring, and if you don't judge me I won't judge you. Yet if you are really stinky or nasty I probably will avoid you since it does gross me out. I will tell you though even though I won't judge you for holes in your clothes, wrinkles, stains, or wearing whatever makes you happy there are people who will.

Finally one of my favorite things that people notice a lot is your facial expression. If you are smiling and it is genuine I have found that it actually will cheer people up. I am not sure why, but I have been told by people that just seeing my smiling face has brightened a bad day. No, this wasn't just perverted guys who wanted to get in my pants. This was people of all ages, different walks of life, and different sexes. I don't think it was due to me being pretty or anything like that since I know there were times I looked horrific and people told me my smile brightened their day. I think it was seeing someone who was genuinely happy that made the difference. Also a mean scowl can ruin a person's day as fast as a genuine smile can. I know it can, because it has ruined mine a few times. It is amazing how our expressions can not only tell people about us, but affect how people around us feel. If someone has psychotic expression on their face and you don't know them then you probably would feel fear. If someone looks sad and is crying you don't have to know them to feel sad for them or maybe you are one of those people who is so jaded you think they are trying to get sympathy for no reason. Either way you feel something when you notice another person's expressions just like others feel something when they see yours. What I want to know though is why when I am sad does everyone avoid me and not talk to me yet when someone else is sad those same people ask them what is wrong? Hhhhhmmmm! Sorry. Just a question I have often wondered about. People rarely ask me what is wrong when I am crying or upset. They usually wait for a moment when I am past it or avoid it all together. Just was wondering why. So again our expressions can encourage people to approach us or steer far away from us or just feel indifference toward us.

So the next time you are some where and see someone for the first time think about what you noticed first, what you thought, how you reacted, and how did it make you feel. Then think about all that in reverse. What if they were thinking exactly that about you?

Living Life and Leaving with No Regrets

Periodically I think to myself "What if tomorrow never came?" or "What if I got the news that I only had a short time period to live?". I know these are dark thoughts, but I have often wondered these things my whole life. Yet I won't ever really create a bucket list. Creating one of those means I take the chance of regretting not doing something. So here is what I do instead.

There are things I want to do in my life while I can. Instead of making a list that can fail due to unknown things I prefer to just keep in mind what I want to do and try to find a way to make it happen.

Some of the things I want to make happen are. I want to go to Ireland. Have for as long as I can remember. Along with that I want to visit all 50 states and see as many National Parks as I can. Along with a few state parks. So far I think I am doing good with the states. I am in around the twenties. Eventually I want to get my license. A house of my own would be nice. Also I want to learn to Tat, decorate cakes, and any other craft I can get a chance to do. Oh the most important two that I really feel isn't in my control. Marriage and having children. I want those two more than the others, but finding a guy who I can get along with for a long period of time that is attracted to me; not really easy.

As for what I would do if I knew I was dying. I would try to plan a party where all my friends and family could be together. If I couldn't do that then I would try to travel to see them all. I might still do the traveling thing if I had time as well as the party. Mainly due to I want some quality time with certain people before it is over. I would definitely have to go to Oregon to visit a lot of people, Idaho to visit an old family friend who might as well be family, and maybe a few military bases to see some really great people. Oh and Wyoming to see my family for sure. I also would have to go and visit some of  my old home areas. I know that most of them have changed drastically, but the memories are still there. No changes that they make can remove those memories from the place. Sort of the idea that each moment releases a memory that attaches itself to the place. The stronger the emotions attached to the memory the stronger the energy from the moment. I would also make sure I have everything taken care of. That way my loved ones won't have as much to do when I am gone.

What would I want to happen if I am gone? I would want to be cremated and have my ashes divided up in all the states I have lived. I also would want some of my ashes to be thrown into the ocean to be free. The rest of them can be given to anyone who wants some. Maybe have the remaining ashes made into jewelry for those closest to me. With all the artist I know and have known I am sure someone could figure something out. Other than that I just want everyone to get together, maybe have some drinks, have some homemade food (no store bought or catered food please. I like home cooking best. I was spoiled growing up), definitely has to have music, dancing, and some stories about me. No mourning though if you can help it. Just remember I lived my life trying to make people smile. Oh I also have a poem I wrote in High School for that time and as for my stuff divide it fairly without fighting please.

Sorry if this depressed anyone. I just felt something needed to be said. We all need to live our lives in between knowing tomorrow may never come and knowing tomorrow may come faster than we expect. Don't let today stop you from doing the things you want to do. Start planning and working toward your goals now, but don't forget to plan for tomorrow as well.

To move or to Grow Roots? My dilemma..

My whole life I wanted a house of my own. You know the place of security. A place of consistency. Now as the time to make a decision on whether I really want to grow roots and settle in one place grows closer I feel myself also growing anxious.

When I was little my family moved a lot. Then I came to Arizona. I have stayed in the Valley of the Sun for 17 years. Granted I have moved around a lot since I have been here, but I have stayed in one state and one area for 17 consecutive years. That has never happened in my life. Before this the record was 6 years and that was from birth to 6. The next record was 4 years and that was Lakeside, OR. Any other time in my life was a year and a half max in one place.

So here is my dilemma. I want a place I own. A place that is mine and that I don't have to pack up and move from. Some place that rent is consistent and that I am comfortable living at. Yet when I think about doing this panic sets in.

One panic is what if I choose the wrong place. What do I do then? I will be stuck with neighbors that are nightmares and in a house I hate. That idea is scary to me. Yet the idea of never having a yard that is mine and a home that is mine out weighs the fear of nightmare neighbors or a house I hate. Neighbors can be ignored and I am excellent at not knowing my neighbors any way since I am a bit anti social to begin with. As for hating the house I am fairly certain if I own it and I hate it I will end up renovating it into something I love piece by piece. It is just who I am. If I don't like something and I am stuck with it I remake it into something I like. If it is something I like, but needs some improvising I have a tendency of changing it. I do it with clothes all the time so I am sure a house can be corrected if I buy one that is sound, but shows up with minor quirks.

The next fear is that I can't move due to I am stuck with the purchase I just made and now I have responsibilities to uphold. What if I meet someone and they turn out to be a psycho who doesn't really want to be with me, but doesn't want to leave me alone either? Now I can't move to prevent them from showing up on my door every so many years. Not an idea I am fond of. Yes, I think about these things. We won't go into why since it really doesn't matter. Most of those situations have been taken care of and are my past. Thank goodness. Yet it doesn't change the fact that it is something I do think about on occasion still.

Finally, the one that concerns me the most. . . . . . . . . . . . Memories. I know that doesn't sound like something to be concerned with. That should be the biggest reason to want a place right? Well up for until I moved to Arizona I never realized how much a place can bring back a memory, both good and bad. I guess it is, because I never stayed any where long enough to have any memories haunt me before here or maybe it is age. What I do know is that I find myself ever so often overwhelmed when I walk by or drive by a place and a memory hits me. I also realized about 3 years ago (maybe it was 4 I can't keep track) how living in a place after something bad happens can cause a lot of emotions to flood through you. I don't like my emotions to hit me unaware. I am use to having control over them. I am use to being able to chose when extreme feelings overwhelm me. So this whole thing of a place hitting me with memories that trigger extreme emotions is something that I am not use to. On one hand I know a normal person would be use to such things and cherish them. Yet I am not a normal person. Nor have I ever been normal. I am not even sure I understand or know what it would be like to be normal. It is this one thing that concerns me the most about buying a house and yet this is one of the greatest reasons I want to buy a house. I know I am being ridiculous feeling this way, but sometimes it is hard not to.

Has there ever been something you really wanted for a long time, but once you started seeing it as a possible reality you started to wonder if you really wanted it? Have you ever had silly concerns about some change you wanted to make? You know a concern you know was ridiculous to have, but you did any way?

Food and the stuff they put in it along with what they spray on it

Alright granted I still need to do some research on all this, but here is what I think and know so far. I am hoping this will be the first of several blogs I do on this topic, because I think it is an important one. Like I said I need to do some more research which I plan on doing for further blogs on this subject. Some of you might say I am crazy or that I am gullible or who knows what else. That is your right and I am alright with that. You have the right to believe what you want and a lot of great people died to give you that right. So I am not the person who would dishonor their deaths by trying to take that right from you. I am only writing this to throw an idea out there and possibly get you started thinking about this. Like I said I want to do further research as well as state my opinion.When I do the further research I will include information of where I got stuff from for you to be able to go and look at the stuff I found yourself. At that point you can form your own opinion or you can ignore what I say as nonsense and craziness. Your choice.

Here is what I have noticed more and more children are coming up with food allergies. Most of these food allergies are gluten and lactose intolerances. Also I have noticed an increase in kids that have issues that are due to chemical imbalances. Is it possible that these increases are from the stuff we are surrounding ourselves with and the human made stuff that we are putting in our bodies? Maybe it is just more knowledge? Then again any problems with an item that we create will take at least 10 years or more to find out the complete long term effects. Usually we find out the long term effects after several generations have been affected for their whole lives by the product.

We all know that most poisons in small doses will either not affect you at all or just make you sick. While long term exposure or indigestion of poisons can cause severe illnesses or death. So here is my question. What if you ate small amounts of a poison from the time you were conceived on? What might the affects be?

My next thought is this. We all know a woman who is pregnant needs to be careful what she does especially during the development of the embryo. So what if the mother is unknowingly intaking poison during her whole pregnancy, then right at the time of birth she takes in another foreign chemical into her body? What if these chemicals have an adverse affect when put together, but known thought to look into it due to they both seemed safe when by themselves? Then what is to happen to the baby?

Now think of this. The genetically engineered corn that people have been eating has a pesticide put into the dna of the corn. So basically we are eating a pesticide that rips open the stomach of insects when they eat it. Granted in small doses this pesticide probably doesn't hurt us. Yet what happens after eating it for long periods of time. Also did they look into how that pesticide once combined with corn interacts with other chemicals or drugs the people eating may be taking?

Like I said I need to do further research on all this, but another thing I know is there have been many things we thought were safe that later came out was killing people. Such as the pesticides used in the 1970's and '80's. There was the painkillers that use to be given to women when in labor that they later found out caused Autism in the children and so is no longer used. There have been all kinds of stuff that our government has said was safe only to find out later wasn't. Whether the Government knew when they said it was safe that it wasn't or whether they didn't have enough information to know I can't say and won't say. What I do know is the more informed we make ourselves and the more thinking for ourselves we do the better we all will be. Think for yourself and you may find you have more power than you thought you ever would have.

Attitude is Everything

When you are having a bad day try to keep one thing in mind. Attitude is everything. If you believe the world is falling down on you then you won't see the light that is in front of you.

Many times I have had to repeat to myself and tell myself that it will get better. When I keep that in mind I find that it does get better. The times I don't succeed at keeping that in mind is when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be the farthest away.

There have been many times I thought my world was falling in on me. Granted it has been a few years. Which is probably good. The last major crises I had was pretty bad and screwed my head up extremely bad. Finally I think I am recovering from that.I am not ready to go into all that publicly, but lets put it this way believing it would end kept me going. It was telling myself eventually I would heal that kept me sane. Also the last few years of no drama probably has helped. Weird as it may seem the last 3 years are the most drama free, stress free times I ever remember in my life.

The thing is that life has its ups and downs. Dwelling on the bad times may make you miss the good ones. Yes, I have dated some guys that I wish had never crossed my path and I hope never cross yours, but each one gave me good memories and taught me something. I try to keep that in mind when I look back at the memories. During the bad times I kept it in my mind that as long as I remained strong and kept believing it would get better that eventually things were going to be better. At least for me they were going to get better. The thing is things have gotten better.

Problems, Errors, Mistakes, and Finding a Path Through Them

I wanted to write something yesterday, but couldn't think of any ideas. Then today it seems everything pointed to this topic. It started with me reading one of my favorite blogs. Then it lead to a blog a friend of mine wrote. I was thinking of starting this out with a funny poem I saw on an old postcard my parents had for Hells Canyon about The Hell You say, but I couldn't find it any where on the internet. So here it goes.

Life isn't fair. We all suffer. Things happen to all of us that we didn't plan. We work hard and sometimes it seems that work doesn't pay. That is life. It doesn't mean you should give up or quick trying. It means that if you really want it you need to keep going for it. You have to earn the good things in life. Granted some people have it easier than others. Some get parents who buy everything and some have parents who put up roadblocks. There are people who get in trouble for doing the right thing and those who get away with doing the wrong thing.  It is life and it isn't a reason to give up.

Just because you do what is right doesn't mean you get a reward. There are times that when you do the right thing that you end up being punished. I told the truth to my father about being the only one who was running up and down the stairs. My father didn't believe me for until I lied. In school I got my first detention, because I sat in a desk for my reading class that someone before me wrote on. So even though I was a perfect angel at that time I still got detention without having done anything. I got suspended for several hours after school due to a guy I was dating showing up on campus and someone telling the Dean of students he was my boyfriend. I left him on the other side of the street and told him not to go on campus. He didn't listen. Thankfully I had friends who witnessed me doing this and came to my defense. I have a friend who is one of the best people I know who got in trouble for defending herself in an abusive  relationship. Now she is paying for it. We all hope or think that doing the right thing means we will get praise or a prize. Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn't mean you get a prize or praise. Sometimes problems come with it. It is how life tests us. Maybe it is a way to find out who is weak and who is strong enough to still do the right thing even after something bad happens.

No matter what happens in your life. There always is an end. The good things come to an end and the bad things will also come to an end. Just remember when the bad things are happening if you keep trying then sooner or later something good will happen. When the good things happen remember to cherish them while you are having them. Sometimes you might find that there are good things that happen during the bad. When you are having a bad day and a loved one makes you smile or holds you to comfort you that is a great thing. It means someone loves you. Don't just brush it off or forget about it. Not everyone is that lucky. Some people spend their hard times alone with no friends, no family, and no loved ones.

Just keep your head up. Keep going through the hard times. Look for something good to come out of those hard times. A lesson may need to be learned. Maybe you need to be some where to meet someone or to be there for them. We all have hard times. Sometimes it is, because we made the mistake. Then there are times the problems are large and hard to see past. There are errors made by us or other people that can hurt our lives or the ones we think we should have. I have said it before and I believe it. Everything happens for a reason. I have experienced this for myself. Whatever you are going through. However you got there. Just remember it will pass you need to keep trying. Never give up and never give up hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take time and it may feel like it will never end, but if you keep trying to get out you will find it. Just remember use your brain to get out. Especially if your problem is being stuck in quicksand.

Material World

So I have thought many times about what people this day and age have compared to what our ancestors had. Along with that thought process I have also thought about what modern people consider a necessity compared to what really is a true necessity.

The whole reason this keeps coming to mind is I keep hearing people tell me electricity is a necessity or running water is a necessity. Granted don't get me wrong I love both of these inventions and I really don't want to go back to a time before they existed, but they aren't necessary to live. There are many people who to this day don't have either. Some of my second ex-fiancee's family for instance. My family a few times when we were living at campgrounds or we were moving some where. Hence probably why I can remember that they aren't necessary, but a really great luxury that we are privileged enough to have available enough to feel it is a necessity. Granted some will argue they are necessities in order to survive in this modern world. Alright on a business sense they are necessary, but on a human survival sense they aren't. Trust me those are recent modern inventions that haven't been around very long in the great scheme of things.

Another thing that people have a hard time believing isn't a necessity for living is a car. Again I think the car is a great invention. I love, love, love motorized vehicles. So please don't think I am saying we need to get rid of them. I am only trying to open your mind to the idea that we live in a privileged society and time. Cars have only been around for the public since around the end of the 1800's. Even then they didn't really begin to be mass produced for the general public for until after Henry Ford started his production line. The mass production of cars didn't even become as major of a deal for until around the 1950's when they started getting more customized and flashy. Now the modern generation of people have become dependent on having a car. I can't even tell you how many people I have met who won't even walk a few blocks to the store or a restaurant. When I think about it I start to wonder how we became so dependent on a vehicle. Maybe my perspective is different since I never learned to drive and there forth never owned a vehicle. Like I said I love the invention of motorized vehicles. My only concern is if in such a short span of time we have become so dependent on vehicles that we don't like to walk even a block some where then how dependent will the next generation be?


Another thing people have started acting like a person can't live without is internet. I am going to lump computers in with the internet since you have to have a computer to access the internet. The weird thing about people acting like the internet is a necessity is that I remember when most people didn't even know what it was. Even weirder is I remember when most people didn't even have a computer and schools were teaching kids how to do simple things like turn the computer on. So how is it within my lifetime of 33 years did we go from not having these things to now we feel we need them and we look at anyone without them as strange? Granted don't get me wrong I love having a computer. I love being able to look up anything within a matter of seconds and I love being able to stay in touch with family and friends so easily. Especially now that there are sites like Facebook that have helped me reconnect with old friends who I missed greatly. Yet I wouldn't say my computer is a necessity unless I am taking classes. At that point my home computer is a necessity due to the school makes it a necessity. Trust me I tried taking classes without one at one point. It didn't go so well. So what would I do if my computer died tomorrow and I couldn't use it as a source to stay in touch with friends? Well I guess I would have to stay in touch with the ones I can by phone. Granted my phone allows me to FB on it. So in my above scenario I guess I am going with I have no internet access. The point is I have lived without a computer and without internet available to me. So there for I can survive without it. My life just becomes a little more cumbersome and less exciting.

The final thing I have noticed people depending on as a life source is their phones; especially cell phones. Those of you who know me well also know I call my phone my life source. So please understand I am also wondering what is wrong with me that I go through phone withdrawals when something happens to my phone. Yet I have lived without a phone at all and up for until my friend was pregnant with my Goddaughter I didn't have a cell phone or a desire for one. I even kind of was upset that my friend felt I needed one for in case she went into labor since the father was a part of the picture. Granted I worked closer and was more likely to come running if she went into labor than he was at the time.So yes I get why she wanted me to have a reliable source of contact. Once I got the cell phone though I loved how convenient it was. I loved being able to call my family and talk to them whenever. I probably should have and still should use my phone to stay in touch with friends more. Yet they seem to always be busy and I get tired of being told that people are busy. My family on the other hand most of them don't have life's so bugging them is easy. I know I am mean, but the truth hurts sometimes. Plus I will readily admit I really don't have a life. If I did I probably wouldn't have time to be writing these blogs instead I would be in a bar or cafe discussing these things with my friends. So back to the phone thing again a fairly recent invention. So why do we feel it is a necessity to have them. Well we all like to be able to get help when we need it. This includes 911 or maybe asking a quick question like "Mom what ingredients other than chicken broth and chicken do I need for chicken soup, because I don't feel good." LOL. Seriously I had that conversation and many like it with my parents in a grocery store. Don't laugh. Ok you can laugh, but you know you have done something similar before.

Now for the big question. What is it about technology and the ease it gives us that we start feeling like we need all this stuff? I am not saying the feeling of wanting this stuff, but the actual feeling that it is necessary for our survival. I have met actual people who will argue with you that electricity, running water, their car, their cell phone, and their computer are things they could not live without. Trust me I have had these discussions and walked away wondering what happened, because the person wouldn't see that they were wants not actual needs. No, one of their arguments wasn't due to our modern society we need these things. That was one that I came up with or one of my friends who saw my side came up with during a discussion. I guess my concern isn't that we use these things or that we have them around. My concern is if so many people currently see them as a necessity what will future generations think are a necessity? Also what will the future be like if at some point we run out of resources for these items? Will there be any people left in our society that will know how to survive without these items? Just some things to think about. Like I said I love modern technology, but I also like to go camping and get a way from at least some of them.What are your thoughts? I would love to hear them.