Remembering Our Youthful Past

Alright granted I don't have kids yet. I do have nieces, nephews, and Godchildren. I know most people tell me it isn't the same. Ok, maybe your right. The point is I am the type of person who cares about people and when I get close to people I take them in under my wing. So when I am in charge of taking care of someone's kids or I chose to open my home to people I know I tend to take on the caregiver role.

This may sound like a good thing to some people, but the people who have seen how much I give up to those people and how often people take advantage of me will tell you it can get bad. Not that I am going to give up caring about people or helping them. It just means I am learning to be careful about it.

Here is the thing. I have spent a good number of my time helping people whenever they need it. When a friend needs someone or something if I can help I do. If a stranger needs help and I can help I do. Up for until about 7 years ago when family needed help I helped. OK. I still help family, but there is limitations on how far I will help now. Long story and no I won't go into it. Lets just leave it as a lot of stuff happened and I am not angry I just wish I would have been smarter. No, I don't think anyone in my family purposefully went out of their way to take advantage of me. I think I just made it to easy to do so. Same with some friends.

Alright what started me on this was thinking about my nieces. I love all of them, but I do worry about where they are all going with their lives. One is turning 22 soon and has two boys from different men. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but she has a hard time keeping a job and has been having problems with finding a new one. She has a lot of potential. When she was little she wanted to be a vet and I think she could still be one if that is what she wanted. If only she would step back and look around her. She needs to decide what she wants and how she wants to get there. If she did that I know she could do whatever she wanted. First she would need to figure out what she wants and come up with a plane. The thing is when I was her age I may not have had any kids and I was still a virgin for until about a month after my 22nd birthday. I also didn't have a problem keeping a job or getting one. Yet I can't say I had life figured out either. I was living with my eldest sister and her family. I spent a lot of time working at entry level jobs like Circle K and watching my sister's kids. When I wasn't doing either of those I was out with the guy I was with. After my plans of going to college right after High School fell through I started wondering what I would do. I ended up on my second fiancee by that time. I think at some point I started thinking subconsciously that if I got married things would some how get better. I loved my second fiancee, but I am glad things didn't work out. I had a lot to learn.

The next niece of mine has a problem with being responsible and thinking about others. She left her Mom and brothers needing money that she promised to give them. Then when she came to live with my Brother and I told us she was soaring at her job. She told us she was working there from 6 am to 9 pm at night, but yet told us she couldn't pay a third of the rent, electric, and the food bill. Her only other bills were her phone and her bus card. Fine she wanted to do whatever she was doing. It doesn't matter. When I was young I had a bad habit of still thinking like I child in a parent's home. The problem with that is once your not a kid any more people expect and depend on you to be an adult. That means being honest and helping with your share. If you can't pay your share of the bills then give notice as soon as you realize you might not be able to pay. The lying and the sneaking might have been easier to get over if it wasn't for several things. One the lies were really bad and dumb lies. Not even a challenge to prove as a lie. Which is insulting. Secondly she knew we were getting a larger apartment due to her word that she would stay and try to make it work during the lease. Ok fine she didn't stay. I am not mad about that. What does upset me is this. She made plans behind our backs to leave instead of telling us when she knew she was leaving.  An adult would have known that people made a budget based on the promise they made to try to make things work. A young adult sometimes doesn't realize this. They are still thinking about what it was like when someone was taking care of them. Not everyone is like that. Some of us were smarter then others. Even though I knew my actions may effect others I still made mistakes that I know hurt people. I didn't do those things on purpose and I hope my niece didn't either. All I can say is I hope at some point my niece realizes that she needs to take responsibility for her actions. At some point she needs to think before she acts.

Then there is the niece who is about to become an adult and yet has a tendency of acting like an adult. She is beautiful, smart, and talented in many ways. She has a load of potential. Currently though she dropped out of school and hasn't gotten a GED the last I heard. All the things a parent wants in there child she had and due to puberty or whatever it is she seems to have a huge chip on her shoulder. My worry is that she won't realize that life is to short to be angry all the time. Hopefully she realizes how much she was given in life before she is 30 and realizes her life has passed by. Thankfully being thirty doesn't mean that your life is over. It just means you have less time to make things happen before your body gives out and seniality hits. Granted she thinks writing and self publishing a book will save her from her mistakes. Could happen, but realistically that takes time and lots of work to get your name noticed. There are a lot of writers who don't get known ever. Then a handful who only get appreciated after they are dead due to family or friends pushing the point for them. The ones who make it while a live usually spend a lifetime writing and trying to get discovered. The ones who get discovered spend a lot of time getting their name out there. It becomes more than a full time job. It becomes more like two and a half full time jobs.Sort of like starting your own business and trying to make it successful. It can happen, but you have to work at it. Hopefully she realizes that. I know she can write and she has the talent. I just don't know if she realizes how much she will need to do to get there and that it will probably be a hard road.

So here is the part about why we need to remember our own youthful past when looking at the younger generation. Every person had to grow after leaving their parent's home. That path may have been easier for some then others. Yet each of us made mistakes and each of us had to learn. Whatever path we took our families probably worried about us. Whatever we are feeling now about our kids, our nieces, nephews, or anyone in the younger generation that we care about probably is what our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and family friends all thought about us at one point or another. Do I worry about the kids that I know? Yes, of course I do. I love them. I want them to have a better life then I did. I want them not to make the same mistakes I did. I never want them to look back at their lives and think what if. The thing is we all at some point look back and think what if. It is human nature. Some of us think of that question more than others and dwell on it longer than others. Everyone makes stupid mistakes when we are young. Sometimes those mistakes become blessings such as beautiful, smart children that make us better people. Other times those mistakes land us in jail or get our house robbed. There are mistakes like marrying the wrong person. Mistakes are a fact of life. Age allows us to look back and see what we did wrong. Which is why when we see those we love heading down the same paths or worse we try to guide them away from those paths. There may even be times we get frustrated with them due to our concern. This sometimes even goes for the people that are older than us. Such as siblings. : ) Ok. I worry about my sisters and brother as well. All those years of them looking after me I now want to look after them.

Just try to keep in mind when you love people the events that lead you where you are now and what you felt like during those times. Be forgiving and do your best to be supportive. It is hard.Trust me I know. I am still trying to learn how to step back and let people make their mistakes. I can't stop them any more than other people could stop me from doing the things I did when I was young or I do now. Maybe some day I will learn to keep my mouth shut when I know they won't listen or to let it go when people do stupid stuff. Either way I am still a work in progress and so are my niecey poos. I hope they realize I love them and that is why I get irritated and worried.

Sugar Plum Recipe

Yes, Sugar Plums as in the old Christmas stories. Yummy! I am trying to bring back Sugar Plums after trying them last year. This year I bought a Christmas Pudding to see if it is a tradition that should be added to my Christmas feast. I will let you know how my Brandy Christmas Pudding tastes after Christmas. I bought it from the Irish Gift House. If you live or ever visit Tempe, AZ you should check this store out. It is on Priest and University and I love it.

Sugar Plums

2 cups whole almonds
1/4 cup honey
2 tsp grated orange zest or you can do like I just did and use Marmalade
11/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground allspice
1/2 tsp grated nutmeg
1 cup dried apricots, finely chopped
1 cup pitted dates, finely chopped
1 cup confectioners sugar (which is powdered sugar for those who don't bake much)

Preheat oven to 400 F. Arrange almonds on a baking sheet in a single layer and toast in oven for ten minutes. Set aside to cool and finely chop. Meanwhile, combine honey, orange zest, cinnamon, allspice, and nutmeg in a small bowl. Mix almonds, apricots, dates, and spice mix in a large bowl. Mix well. Pinch off rounded teaspoon-sized pieces and roll into balls. Dust the sugar plums with powdered sugar and refrigerate in single layers between wax paper in airtight containwea doe up to a month.

Families. What makes them?

Alright I have been wanting to write this for a long time. Okay truth be told most of my life. Most people when they think of family they think of those who are blood related. Gratefully I was raised to see family as something more.

Most people who are close to me or have looked through my photos know that I have two wonderful Aunts and a wonderful Uncle who were adopted. When looking at us it is obvious that we aren't blood. They are obviously Korean and I am obviously white. Yet if you look past the outer appearance you will see that we are family. We share the things that only family can share. Memories, the people who we love most, our upbringing, and the lessons we learned at a young age.y

This isn't the first time I have written on this subject, but before I was writing it for classes. How one writes for a class and how one writes for theirselves is different. Here I can use my own form and write what I feel freely.

So here are my thoughts. After knowing my biological family an the ones who were adpoted or married into my family this is what I have found. After being a part of a family for a while you take on parts of that family. It doesn't matter if you are married into the family, born, or adopted.

There will always be differences between each member in the family. This is caused by our different experiences. I am the youngest of five blood siblings. We each are different from each other. My oldest sister looks different then me and always has. Her personality is as far from me as any person I have met. If you met us and didn't know we were sisters you probably wouldn't guess it. Then there is my brother. Well we look a lot a like and we do have very similar personalities. There is no denying he is my brother even if I wanted to. Yet with all those similarities he still is different then me. The way he chooses to handle certain situations is different then I would handle them. The reason being is that he didn't have my friends and my experiences. Then there is my middle sister. Again we look a lot a like. So much a like that we have been mistaken for each other by friends who hadn't met the other. Even with how similar she and I are she still is very different then me due to her experiences. Once someone starts talking to one of us they realize the difference. The last one is my sister right before me. We don't look anything a like, but when I was little I felt closer to her then anyone. She took care of me and mothered me. She watched out for me. When we fought we had heated fights, but when we made up there was nothing better and no one closer. We were different in a lot of ways, but she taught me about so much. She taught me to write and she taught me about life. I learned so much from her. I wish she knew how important she is to me. Out of five children only three of us look alike. Not a one of us have the same personality though.

Which brings me to my Mom's siblings. She has an older brother,  two younger sisters, and a younger brother. Her older brother was her only biological sibling. I can't tell you much about him since I only remember meeting him a couple of times in my life. As for her adopted siblings I can see similarities with them due to their upbringing. I see bits of my Grandma in my Aunts and Uncle. Part of her lives in each of them just as part of her lives in my Mom. Her kindness and love seeped into each of them and I see it when I speak to them.

As for married family I have seen many couples that as time goes by meld their family attributes together. The way a couple who is truely in love blend their differences is amazing to me. Granted it takes time for those change to take place, but eventually they do.

My point is this every member of a family has different personalities, but they all share common ideas. Family is deeper than blood. It is a stronger bond then blood could ever be. It is an invisible bond of love and memeories.

Family

The holidays always reminds me of all the things I have missed as an adult. During those times I get to hear about how people are spending their holidays with their family. I get asked questions like are you spending it with your parents? Or Are you going home for the holidays? People tell me how sad they are that they can't be home with their family. These things remind me of the  things I lost at a young age.

When I was really little (long before my parents started moving) my family spent the holidays with my Grandparents. We would go to my Dad's parent's house and we would have a special night. Then us children were sent to bed and after my parents and grandparents thought all of us were asleep they would fill our stockings and put the presents out. Since my sisters and I slept on the couch bed under the stockings (along with having insomnia at a young age) I use to pretend to be asleep. I would listen to them talk and barely crack my eyes to watch them. Yes, at a young age I learned how to be sneaky. LOL. Then when I was around 6 years old my father took a job that required him to move, alot. Not long before we made our first move my Dad's Mom got sick and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I will never say my family was normal or perfect, but after all this my life that seemed normal and perfect was flipped upside down. The Christmases that were sweet and exciting changed. There was no more of my parents trying to sneek around and putting presents out. My last Christmas at my Grandma's was spent with her in a  hospital bed in the living room watching us unwrap our presents. That Christmas had lost alot of the magic that the others had and yet it was the last Christmas I remember my parents trying to make it extra special.

Please understand my parents tried to make Christmas special, but that extra part was gone. After that Christmas there were many times of me picking out my present or me wrapping my presents. The mention of Santa was no longer a magical story they told. Yet even without that extra something and without that magical aspect the holidays were still special. They were special for one reason alone. I was with my parents and siblings. We were all together. As time went on my brother went into the Navy, my oldest sister started her life, my middle sister started a life of her own, and my sister who was right before me went into Job Corpand eventually went her own way as well. Even with everyone going their seperate ways every holiday spent with any number of us was special. If only I would have known a day would come that the idea of us all being together would be gone then maybe I would have tried harder to remember those holidays.

You see my family has only been together once for one afternoon since I was in 4th Grade. That one time was several years ago and it almost didn't happen. Several members of my family didn't want to come. I will never understand why and sadly I don't care any more why they didn't want to be there. Unfortuneately, I have come to the conclusion I  can't make them love me or want to be a part of my life no matter how hard I try. All I can do is be there for when they decide they want to. Pray that some day they wake up and realize what they are missing by avoiding their family. Whatever I did to them I don't know what it was and they won't tell me. I tried brooching the subject with one of them once so I could try to make amends. Instead of discussing it with me she hung up on me and called our parents to tell them how mean I was. It broke my heart that she wouldn't talk to me. It broke my heart all the things she kept telling people about me. She broke my heart when she would refuse to talk to me. When I could hear her in the background saying she didn't want to talk to me. All I ever wanted was a family who would fight and make up. A family who would put their issues aside and spend the holidays together. A family who loved each other. I almost feel like my family is cursed.

The reason I say I feel my family is cursed is, because I don't know much about my father's side of the family. Most of them never were around when I was growing up. My Mother's side seemed to have some issues between some of the siblings. Not sure what the issue was, but I think what my parents told me wasn't the truth. I think my parents and several of my Mom's siblings did the same thing as what is happening with my siblings. I think my Mom started believing that the adopted children didn't like the biological children and I think the adopted children didn't like my dad or my Uncle David's wife. Which honestly I really can't blame them much. So I think misunderstandings happened. Instead of talking it out they just let the ideas grow and eventually there was a wall built between the family. Which unfortunately seems to be happening now in my family. Yet when I try to tear down that wall it just seems to make it worse. If only I knew how to fix that wall. Obviously talking to my sisters who have an issue with me just makes it worse. So how do you fix a problem when any form of talking makes it worse? I have tried calling and talking about anything other then our relationship. Anything other than family except when they bring it up. I have tried talking about what they have done that hurts me. I have tried joking with them when they start it and it all turns into I am mean and horrible. The only thing that seems to work is me not having anything to do with them at all. Which seems to work pretty well at keeping me out of trouble with them, but doesn't give me the one thing I want. . . . . .. . . . Family.

I am not looking for pity or sympathy from anyone. I don't want anyone to be angry with me or tell me how sorry they are for me. I am telling you this for in case you are the stubborn one who is angry at family or you are the one who feels alone on the holidays due to family members refusing to be together. If you are the one who is mad at family members and are the one who avoids talking to them or being around them then please try to make amends. I don't care what the problem is (well ok if they molested you or raped you I get it, but with in reason) then please let it go. I am not saying they have to be a daily part of your life, but other then the above mentioned things what is so bad that you can't afford a phone call or letter on occasion. What is so bad that you can't spare a few days out of the year to spend with them. We are only given one family in our lives. There are only a select people who grew up with us and knew us when we were small. Only those few who have the same genetics and family features or that share the love of some of the same people. I don't care if you were adopted into your family or born into that family the point is this. If you can see your family. If you have a way to contact your family. If your family is still alive then make that effort. You can't replace those people. No matter how hard you try you can't replace your brothers, your sisters, your parents, your grandparents, your Aunts, your Uncles, your cousins, your nieces, or your nephews. We all have a limited time on this planet. If we waste it fighting with those we love then we have wasted the gift we were given. I have no choice in whether I get to see all my family together again or not, but maybe you do. If you have the choice please don't waste that time. Please make the time and put whatever your issues are aside. Take it from someone who wants a family more then anything. If you have that option you are blessed by one of the greatest gifts ever. Cherish it and at  least try to give it a chance once or twice a year. I would do anything to try to make that happen if I could. I would even go to a state I hate and deal with snow if I thought there was a chance my family would get together to celebrate.

Holiday Blahs

This year it seems the holiday blahs have struck most people. I am feeling them this year, but I usually have a bit of a problem every year. What is different this year is even the people who usually are cheery seem to be having a hard time even. Maybe it is the economy or maybe it is just something else. The point is a lot of people seem to be having a hard time. So here is why I have a hard time around the holidays and what I try to do to fix them.

My adult holidays have been primarily with friends or only a sibling or two. As a matter of fact I don't believe I have spent a holiday with my parents since 1996. From '97 to 98 I spent my holidays with my eldest sister and her family. I spent one early Thanksgiving with two of my sisters. I went to visit them a week before Thanksgiving and they did an early Thanksgiving dinner for  me. Then about 4 or 5 years ago my brother started being in town here with me for the holidays. What is even worse is my immediate family has only all been together once since I was in 4th Grade. What happened was my brother and I went to visit once they all moved closer together. Even that time we had to fight, argue, and talk two of my sisters to showing up. It turns out it was due to my parents they showed up. So seeing everyone together with their families around the holidays gets hard for me. It reminds me of how two of my sisters want nothing to do with the family. Which hurts me really bad since all I ever wanted since I can remember is one of those families that despite issues hangs together. What I got was family that avoids each other. My father speaks to no one on his side of the family. This is true even though he found a half sister he never knew about. As for my mother's side of the family there seems to be some issues. What those issues are.. Honestly I have no clue what they are. Ideas I have, but no real confirmation. My mom speaks to her Aunt, her brothers, and her father. As for the her sisters and everyone else. She doesn't speak to them and some how it is blamed on everyone else. One of my theories is family misunderstandings. The other one I think is possible is that my Dad's issues caused some tension with the family. Whatever the reason the result is I lose out on the beauty of a family. Unfotrtunately, these are things I can't control. Even if I get my family together it would  be more like them eating, running, and a lot of quiet uncomfortable  tension.

What do I do to help me get past the family blues around the holiday? I try to go all out. I put up a tree right after Thanksgiving and it stays up for until 3 Kings day. I plan and make a feast. It doesn't matter to me if there will only be me, me plus one, or a group of friends joining me. Along with this I try to watch holiday videos that remind me of what the spirit of the holiday is. Holiday music is also another thing that helps me. Just try to mix in some of the fun songs along with the classics. It helps if there are some crazy songs about Christmas too. That way you get to laugh at the typical issues or ideas of Christmas along with your old favorites. Holiday shopping for special people on your mind also helps. Remember there are worst ways you could be spending the holidays. You could be homeless with no family andn no food. If you don't have the money to buy presents then look around your house to try to create some really special gifts for the special people in your life. Be grateful for what you do have and can do. Go to holiday events, create new traditions, try new recipes along with the old, and eat whatever holiday treats you normally don't eat during the rest of the year. Also try to come up with new holiday decorating ideas. For years I have been collecting pieces for the perfect holiday table setting. Finally last year I had it all perfect. Then again  I had my niece here to help with the holidays. Even though she was unappreciative, moody, and a pain having another family member here made the holiday special. I know she probably thought we went overboard and all. What she doesn't realize is she had a mother who always made it special. My special holidays were ruined when I was about 6 years old. Actually from what I hear I missed most of the great family holidays. What I hear is that my parents and grandparents went all out before I was born. Then again my family never had it easy from what I can tell. 

Just remember the holidays are about memories and love. Here are a few other ideas that I haven't done, but they might help. If you are use to having family around try doing skype or video cam to talk to each other around the holidays. I know it isn't the same as being there, but maybe seeing everyone and talking to them might help make it a little easier.Volunteer some where. Maybe if you go out to make the holidays cheerier for someone who is less fortunate it will help make you feel better. Some ideas of places to volunteer Soup kitchens, homeless shelters, childrens hospitals. You could dress up as Santa and take presents to kids who are less fortunate. Maybe if you know a family near by who doesn't have money to do a lot for Christmas play secret santa for them. There is also inviting other people who aren't near their family over. This one I have done a lot. The problem is the older I get the less people I meet that doesn't have family around. Oh this  is a good idea volunteer to go to a living facility for older people take a bag of presents and hand them out. People in such places love having visitors and there are a lot of them who don't have family that come to see them any more. Really sad to see people drop their loved ones of then only visit a few times.

I hope this gave you ideas of how to push through the holiday blahs. Don't let them get you down. If you know someone who can't make it to the family event try to do something extra nice for them to cheer them up.No one should feel sad  or lonely around the holidays if it can be helped. Love ya all and I hope you have the best Christmas and New Year ever.

Compromise

An old family friend of mine. Who  actually knew my family from before I was born sent me an e-mail about my post yesterday. In  her e-mail she discussed with me some of the changes her life  took when she found the love of her life. She discussed how all the things she thought she wanted, all the things she thought he was, and who she once was were  different than what she has now, who she married, and who she is now  The part that I loved the most about the e-mail was that all  those things changed, but they happened on their own. He didn't ask her to change or make them requirements for them to be together. Instead they happened on their own.

You see to me that is what real love is about. It is about two people finding each other despite all the odds at the right time in both of their lives and then some how with all their quirks they end up wanting to stay together.  Slowly changes happen over the years that make them more compatible with each other. Those changes don't happen due to one telling the other "This is what I want so you better be it" or " I like doing this so you better as well". The changes happen due to loving each other, spending time together, and doing those things for that person without being asked or made to.

I know there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Trust me I have been around enough happy couples when they are fighting. The thing is no matter what is said or what the other did they end up talking about it. They chose to forgive and sometimes let the past fall where it belongs. In the past. (Something I have a hard time with sometimes. Mainly when things are said or happen to remind me of it.) Yes, I am a work in progress and yes I am learning from my happily married friends. Now that I am older and have watched friends get married, divorced, and a few stay together I think I am starting to realize the difference. My friends who stay together and are truly happy (not together and miserable) are that way due to how they feel for each other. They fight, they get angry, sometimes they want to leave, but they always, always calm down at some point. Say their sorry for getting angry and end up talking the problem out. The people I know who get divorced or stay together unhappily usually fight, but don't say their sorry or talk calmly about the problem. There usually ends up with one person talking or yelling at the other while the other person sits there like an  angry child. Meaning they aren't listening and they don't care what the other person has to say. I won't go into my theories of why this happens, but I have seen it happen.

So I guess what I am saying is this whatever works for you that makes you happy is what matters. Yet from the relationships I have seen the happier ones, the ones I would rather fashion a marriage around are the ones who may yell, they may say things they regret later, but they always calm down, apologize, and discuss it in the end. Oh one more thing  I noticed most of them do is after they discuss the problem (both sides not just one side, but both people calmly discussing and listening to each side) they tell each other they love each other, kiss, and hug. Which usually leads to laughing and smiling. Personally I want that over fighting and being angry at each other for days. Don't know about you, but that is what I want.

Relationships? Some good. Some bad.

Lately I have noticed a lot of the people have been having relationship problems. I am sure that happens all the time and I hear it is especially true around the holidays. With all these recent breakups I decided to discuss relationships tonight.

Everyone has had relationships. Most of us have had bad relationships and some of us have had good ones as well. Honestly I have had both, but most of the good ones I had were when I was young. Every time I find a dud my friend's try to reassure me that there is a prince out there. Some people try to give me advice on how to be a better person in order to attract and keep a great guy. Those people haven't been there during any of my relationships and so there for they don't have a clue what all happened. My friend's who have met the guys and seen what happened. The people who have seen the change they take. Those are the people who try to remind me there are decent guys out there. Does it help to be reminded? Sometimes. The thing is most of us single people get tired of looking. It isn't that we don't want to find that person. We just get tired of being lied to, walked on, used, and cheated on.

Luckily I haven't had any guy lay his hands on me in anger, but I have had friends who have. Those friends are great people. They have kind hearts, they are smart, and they have great personalities. Yet they tend to find guys who have no clue how lucky they are to have such a great person. I can't tell you what all happened since unfortunately I wasn't around. I do  know what happened with my sisters.  One of my sisters was young and wanted  a family. So she walked away from one great guy who wanted to wait on getting married and ended up dating a guy who treated her like trash. At one point he hit her while she was pregnant. Another sister of mine started dating a guy thinking he was a prince. When she realized he wasn't a prince she tried walking away, but my parents liked him so much that they kept pushing her back with them. Eventually she ran away with him, got pregnant, and married him. At some point he started hitting her and threatening to kill her. My last  sister wanted to be loved, married, and have a family. She got married to an old friend from her childhood. As time went on he started getting abusive. All three of my sisters have ended up with men who became abusive, because they wanted to be loved. Honestly I think a lot of women end up in bad situations due to wanting to be loved.

I haven't been hit by guys, but I have ended up in some bad situations.  When talking about them with people who weren't around or lucked out with not dating the completely wrong guy they always say "What were you thinking? How did you not know that he was like that?" Ok first things first. Most people put on a front to get the person they want to want them back. People who are wanting to use someone and are good at doing so do this to a new level. Those people are experts at knowing  what people want to hear and see. The ones who are the best at this know to tell enough truth to make them sound honest. They know how to twist things and how to say/do things that make them sound good, but not to good. The point is I don't fall for obvious tricks. Usually they use a person I know to get to know me and support their lies or they use their charisma and charms to wiggle their way in. You see I am not the type of girl who is easy to get to know. I may be willing to talk to a person in passing, but becoming part of my personal life isn't easy. That takes work and time. Especially for a guy who wants to convince me they want to be a part of my life. That usually takes a matter of months to convince me. Then after I decide to let them in it usually takes several more months before I will let it become a steady relationship. That isn't to say I haven't made exceptions, but in general it takes a lot of time and talking.  What is even worse is that those same guys fool everyone that meets them.

Along with all these bad things there are people who are lucky enough to find or build a great relationship with people. My Grandpa found love at first sight when he went to go on a date with his best friend's sister. When he went to pick up his date there was my Grandma hiding behind a wood stove. He says he was interested in her from that moment and knew he was going out with the wrong sister. My best friend's husband kept seeing her in different places for years before they finally got to know each other through friends. Finding that perfect someone doesn't happen from looking for them or going out to clubs. It happens when it is meant to. After years of talking to the people who are obviously truly in love I have come to a conclusion. You don't find love. Love finds you. The people who go out looking for love seems to usually find the wrong people. The ones who find love usually are those who aren't looking or gave up on looking. Does that mean you shouldn't be willing to be open? No. What it means is to keep living your life and to remember love is work. Also remember you don't have to settle to find love, but you do have to compromise. Which the two are totally different and I think a lot of people forget that. Also if a person wants to change you remember to sit down and decide is this a change that makes sense and will make me a better person. If the change doesn't make sense or won't make you a better person it might be time to leave. If it will make you a better person or it makes sense then decide if you are willing to make that change for life. That is what you will need to do. If you aren't willing to make that change for life then save yourself and the person you love the time.

All and all remember love can be a beautiful thing, but only when it is right.

The Higher Road

We all know we are suppose to take the high road, but how many of us do? It isn't an easy path to take. Feelings get in the way. Pain and anger make us irrational at times. Jealousy and  even self pride will make us want to fight back.

There have been times I should have talked to people and I yelled instead. I have gotten angry said words or done things I shouldn't have. Anger has its place, but the key is learning to control it instead of letting it control you.

How does one do this you may ask? With a lot of  work and practice. Just  like anything that is worthwhile it takes work and lots of it. Once upon a time I was afraid of my anger. That wasn't a good thing. Fear of your anger isn't how you control it. Eventually it will build up and end up controlling you. Trust me that isn't fun. It feels good at first, but in the end the realization of what it means will hit. There will be regret and pain for what you did during that time. 

If you learn to control your anger though you can learn to use it when you need to. There are times anger when controlled is good. It is usualful to use your anger when needing to defend yourself. Anger can help you when you need to stand up to someone. Just make sure you are in control of what you are doing and  saying.

Please don't take this as I have perfected my anger. I wish, but I haven't. Many times I am in control of my temper, but I do have my times when emotion gets carried away. Hence me telling people "Be Gone" or "Grow up and grow a pair". Funny as those moments were and how the first one at least deserved it they probably weren't my best moments. The fact was I loved the people I said those things to and they hurt me. Due to that pain and the fact that I had been hurt many times in similar ways I acted out of anger. If I hadn't loved them I wouldn't have bothered with getting angry and saying such words. When I don't care about someone I don't waste my time and energy with yelling at them. I might vent about it to friends or get irritated with them and stew on it some. Getting passionately angry though I don't do. Well  unless they are attacking someone I care about and I need to stand up for them. I may be wrong, but I am fairly certain we all have been in such situations. If I am wrong then you are a better person than me and you should be proud.

Should you forgive someone who gets mad at you and takes it to far? It depends how far they went and how often it happens. Like I said most people at some point will get angry if they love someone. It happens.  The thing is it shouldn't happen often and it shouldn't go to the point of causing harm. When such blowups happen only you can decide if the person is truely sorry and if you can forgive them. Forgiveness is important and even if you chose not to stay it is important to still forgive them.

Forgiving isn't always an easy thing. Most of the time I can forgive people, but there have been times when it was hard for me to do. During those times I kept praying to find understnading and the ability to forgive. Friends of mine have had to remind me that I am the type that forgives people. Which wasn't easy to hear when your hurting and angry. My friends were right though. I am not the type to hold a grudge or stay angry at someone. Defending people is what I have always tried doing. Well except those years that I spent angry and lost.

I hope you find  your way of reaching the higher ground. In the end all we have is our knowledge that we did what was best and what was right. There is a time to fight, but when you chose to stand and fight do it in the right way,  please.

Fear! We all have it.

So I mentioned fear a little bit yesterday, but I mainly mentioned how people are afraid to talk about it due to how others react. The thing is we are all afraid of things. I have seen people wig out about pet snakes and pet rats. Which  to me is a little weird  since it is a pet and it is being held by someone else. Yet who am I to judge I have things that I am afraid of that most people wouldn't understand.

So my question is what are you afraid of? Do you think other people would understand your fear? Do you feel that your fear is irrational? Does it affect your every day life?

I am afraid of a few things Doctors being at the top of the list. Then I would say that having someone break into my house to harm me would be next. Do people understand my fears? Some people do, but most people just look at me like I am crazy. Especially with the whole Doctor thing. Do I feel my fears are irrational? No. The reason is this my fear of Doctors steams from real incidences. People  I know  have died, because a Doctor wouldn't take the time to run the tests needed after seeing they didn't have insurance. Doctors have looked at people I have seen suffer and act like they were  hypocondriacs. Then there is the fact my parents rarely took me to see Doctors when I was little and when they did they were who ever was the cheapest Doctor in town. Which usually amounted to they should have been put in the mental ward, because they were loons. The one memory of a Dentist I had before going to my current dentist was being in 4th grade. The Dentist said I had a cavity so I came back to get it filled. When it came time for me to go have it filled my parents didn't go into the room with me instead they waited in the waiting area. The Dentist then turned to me and said we are going to start without the anesthetic if it starts to hurt let  me know and I will give it to you. I didn't know what to think since I had never really gone to see a dentist  before. So he started drilling without giving me any anesthetic. Then after a little while he decided to give me some. Seriously lunatic. Then every Doctor my parents took me to seemed not to be that caring with the exception of the Doctor I went to with my Grandma. If I met more Doctors like my Grandparents had I probably would like Doctors and trust them. The problem is I have  been to two  Doctors in my adult life. Both of them were good Doctors, but neither of them ever explained anything to me. The first one had her assistant call me on the phone to say I had cyst on my right overy, but they weren't worried about it. They just wanted  to continue watching it to see if it went away or got larger. Seriously that is basicly how the conversation went over the phone no less. Then she asked do you have any questions. Unfortunately, nothing brings back my shyness like a full blown panic attack. Which happens everytime I talk to a doctor. It doesn't matter over the phone or in person I go into full panic mode and I can't think. I did what that doctor wanted for a months. I don't remember how long exactly I just remember once a month going all the way out to Scottsdale and spending half my day there. All that just to be told it is a little smaller then before and we aren't worried about it. Lets plan your next visit. The next time I went to the Doctor they found bone cysts in my head. That time they talked to me in person, but again with the "I am not really worried about it, but lets run some more tests any way. While we are at it lets have a neurologist look at it as well." What irritated me that time is I didn't know I was going to have to pick up the CAT scans take them to the specialist and then relay the techno jargon the specialist said to me back to my regular Doctor. Aren't they suppose to talk to each other and give each other the information? I am a little lost on all this. How does all of that work? Why do I pay for insurance and pay so much money to see them if I (who  is not trained on medical jargon of any sort) has to play messanger. Plus can't they send info such as CAT scans through the computer or on CD? I am just saying with all of our technology it shouldn't be that hard for them to communicate with each other. I don't believe it use to be. Also why do I fill out a form that says they can talk to each other if I am doing the message relaying? I just can't handle it. Seriously why should I waste my time if they aren't going to talk to me the patient and tell me what is going on. My fear would go away if they would do or say something that gave me confidence that they want to help me. Instead they make me feel like I am just a paycheck and that I don't matter. It is ridiculous.I get they know more than me about that stuff. That is why when something is hurting really bad, hurting frequently, causing extreme dizzy spells, making me feel like I am watching everything from another room, or causing numbness down one side of my body I go to the doctor. I don't go, because it sounds like fun or I just want to spend money doing something I hate.

Alright as for why I have my other fear. The beginning reason is going to sound crazy. It started with a dream. The thing is the dream started when I was really little. I don't remember exactly how old I was when it started I just know it was before I was 6, because I was still living in our first house in Nampa. So I know I was really little. I had this dream off and on every year for until about 3 or 4 yrs ago. It is weird. The dream was usually the same one. I was an adult in a big dark room sleeping. My bed faced the door. I would wake up and see the silhouette of a man standing in the door frame. Every time I would grab a gun and shoot him. Then I would wake up. The other dream was me being chased around a hotel while holding a baby. That started at some point when I was in grade school. The first one got more frequent after I started dating this one particular guy and ended after the last contact I had with him. The thing is that guy after I broke up with him broke into my house several times. So I am not sure what to think about the frequency of the dream increasing during my relationship with him  or the fact I haven't had it since. I still have that fear though and now it is even worse then before. Some day I am sure I will get past it.  Maybe? If not then I guess I will live with it.

Does either of these fears affect my life? Well yes they do. The doctor one makes it hard for me to monitor family health problems. Then again it probably doesn't help me going in saying my Grandma had endometriosis and so did my older sister. My dad's mom died of cancer and my mom's aunt died of cancer, but I was never told what kind. My mom always said all kinds run in the family. So then the doctor looks at me like I am crazy from that point on. Is it my fault my mom has a thing against talking to her kids about such things? Recently due to certain events I have found out more like my Great Aunt Miriam died of ovarian cancer and that my Grandma at one point had Lukimia. I wouldn't even have known about my Grandma having a hystorectomy before 30 had they not found the cyst on my ovary. It was after I told my mom about them finding the cyst that she finally told me why my Grandma only had two biological kids and then started trying to adopt. My whole life I was told that she just never was able to have any more kids and always wanted more. Also I didn't know for until recently that my Father's Mother had skin cancer several times and that she died of lung cancer. What I don't get is why she never felt she needed to tell us these things? These things are important and I look like a crazy person when I say my Grandma died of cancer and my Great Aunt died of cancer,but I don't know what kind. I was always told all kinds run in our family. I can't help the doctor if I don't know what is to tell them to look for. Oh well. The other fear affects my life, because it prevents me from sleeping sometimes. When I was having that nightmare I couldn't go back to sleep for until hours later and sometimes not for until the sun started coming up. The reason being everytime I would close my eyes on those nights that dream would return. So there were lots of nights of me not sleeping. Especially toward the end of me having those dreams. Stress, fear, anger, and bad dreams that are related to exactly what is happening can keep you from sleeping more than 5-30mins at a time for months at a time. Trust me I know. I lived it for about 3 to 4 months. If you don't believe me ask my friends who were there for me during that time. They can tell you how wigged out I  was and how worried they were about me.

I guess what I am saying is this we all have fears. Some of those fears don't really affect our lives, because unless we put ourselves in a position to deal with them we won't have to. Other fears are simple and may affect our lives, but only in small ways. Like the fear of spiders or bugs. It affects our lives, but most of the time only in small ways. Then there are those fears that prevent us from living life or in some of our cases from sleeping. Granted my dreams aren't my only reason for not being able to sleep at night. There are other reasons I have for not sleeping. Either way we all have fears. We all have to learn to deal with them. Oh well. It is in our nature to fear certain things. Hopefully the fears we have protect us from harm. If not hopefully we find a way to get past them.

The World: The Judging People Do

The World: The Judging People Do: "Yesterday I was chatting with several people and something came up that has been brought to my attention many times in my life. The way peop..."

The Judging People Do

Yesterday I was chatting with several people and something came up that has been brought to my attention many times in my life. The way people judge others. We see someone on the bus or wallking down the street the first reaction is to look at the person's clothes and what they are doing. Then most of us make a  judgement. If the person is talking to themselves, dancing, or doing anything that we consider weird we make a judgement. We are all guilty. Some of us though catch ourselves and realize what we are doing and others go with it as if it is a fact.

The problem with this is we don't know their story. We don't know why they are doing what they are or who they are. Automatically we see someone acting in a manner we think is strange and we label them crazy or weird. It has happened to me for many reasons. Due to my sense of humor, my loving to dance when I hear music, how I dress, my smiling at what is in my head, or even how I view a situation. Once upon a time it bothered me how people would judge me. Then one day I realized it doesn't matter. No matter what I do. No matter what I wear. There will always be a person who will find something wrong with you. It doesn't matter. Some people just want to find something wrong with people. I can come up with reasons and theories,  but does it matter. In  the end they always will.

For the last few years I have been ridding the same bus around the same time. Periodically a man who is about my age, maybe a little older, gets on the same bus. He has a tendancy of hitting his head against the rails for people to hold on to and he has a tendancy of yelling out. Most people stare at him and talk about him. Once someone said he was just looking for attention and was just faking it. There reasoning was "I use to work with people like that. I can tell."  Really how does that person know from just seeing him for a few minutes? Other times I hear people say "What is wrong with him?" "He is weird and scarey". Each time I hear people say these things it makes me feel for this person. It doesn't matter what is wrong with him. My opinion is he has some sort of problem that makes him act like that. I don't think it is in his control. I have watched him off and on for several years. I don't stare at him or talk about him. I observe him  like I do everyone I see. I have perfected watching people without having to look at them. For some reason though this guy as the years have passed has a tendancy of sitting near me. He use to just stand there or find a place away from people if he did sit. In the last year or two he has started sitting next to me. When this started  occuring I started having people make the comments of "I think he was trying to get your attention". I didn't have an opinion either way about that. All I said was "I have seen him for the last several years and he always acts like that. I think he has some medical problem."  Then I leave  it at that and the people just go quiet. Since  talking to a friend of mine recently who  has medical problems that causes her to have similar actions. Talking her about how people look at her or treat her due to her medical problems made me think about this guy and made me realize. Maybe the reason he sits next to  me is that I don't look at him the way other people do and I don't make comments about him. I just go about doing whatever I was doing before he got on the bus. My friend I have is a great person. She has a kind heart and is wonderful. She doesn't let what other people say about her medical problem or how they treat her prevent her from being a wonderful person or let it stop her from being her. That is a wonderful thing and it is an inspiration to me. She is a strong woman and I am very proud of how she is dealing with all of it.

Another friend of mine and I were talking about fear. There have been many times I have discussed with people what they fear. Many people are afraid to admit their fears to people. I admit I am also afraid to admit my fears. We all have them. We all do things that make no sense due to fears we have. We scream when we see bugs that we think are icky even if they won't hurt us. Some of us take stairs instead of elevators. Some of us sleep with lights on when we are alone for fear of someone breaking in or something being in the dark that we can't see. There are fears we have due to dreams or experiences we have had. Others of us develope fears due to something we read or watched on T.V.  Then some of us just develope fears for reasons we have no idea about how we got them. I know people who are afraid of germs and others of us feel panic due to illogical things. Yet we are afraid to tell these things to people. Most of the time it is, because we are afraid of what others will think or say. Then some of us are afraid to tell  people for fear that they will use it against us in some way. The point is this everyone is afraid of being judged. Maybe we get past that at some point. Maybe we don't. Maybe we learn how to deal with  that fear or we just withdraw to prevent knowing about that judgement. None of us can prevent people from judgeing us. We can though find a way to deal with it. We can teach ourselves and our children not to judge. That isn't to say to  trust everyone. If there is a legit reason or you get a bad feeling then it is best to pay attention to that.

 The point is many of us miss out or almost miss out on getting to know people due to judging them in a moment. Several of my best friends almost didn't get to know me due to their original judgement of me. Many times people judge me inaccurately. I don't even want to know what people think about me. Seriously the things I have heard just horrifies me that anyone thinks that way about me. The biggest problem is I hear many different ideas of how people perceive me. So I can't even pin down what makes the ones who have outragously horriblely wrong impressions of me get those impressions. Honestly I think it is a matter of how people look at things and there is nothing you or me can do about it. So why should we care what they think? My suggestion is live your life. Enjoy your life. Be the best person you can be in all the situations you find and don't let them bring you down. There are to many people who like to tear down the good people. They want us to become bitter, because they are. Lets show them we are proud of who we are despite them. Be who you are and if they don't like it well remember that is their problem not yours. You are beautiful and wonderful. We all are and we should be happy and celebrate it.

Life and Love

There are many things I can say about both Life and Love.

Life is an on going lesson. These lessons are learned on a moment by moment basis. Everything is a lesson. What did I learn today? I learned that Hot Buttered Rum isn't to my liking and that Punk and Heavy Metal Christmas music is fun to listen to. Especially in order to break up the traditional music. I  have learned many things in my life. About three years ago I learned that being kind has to have limits and that it isn't always good to give people a chance. I was also reminded that a person should always pay attention to what is said. Unfortunately, not everyone (well most people actually) has a dementedly warped sense of humor as  I do. Hence most people will accuse you of doing what they are or would do. Most people will tell you what they are doing wrong in a joking manner. The hard part is I am a good person. I joke with people a lot and most of the time if it sounds bad or outragous I am probably joking. So the hard part for me is remembering that I am not most people. What I would do isn't what most people would do. Ever since I can remember I kept getting reminded I don't think like most  people. Sometimes this is a good thing other times it causes me problems. Thinking like most of the people I have met isn't  something I want to do. There are a lot of people in this world who are fine with hurting people. There are a lot of people who use people. A lot of people lie to others and then try to justify it as if there reasons make it alright. People will tell another person what they want to hear in order to get what they want or under the guise of they don't want to hurt them. Am I guilty of some of these things? I have  never been fine with hurting anyone. That isn't to say that I haven't hurt people. What I am saying is I never went out to hurt anyone or took pleasure in hurting someone. I have never used anyone. I would never use any one. Ask for help yes, but never purposely use anyone. I have lied to people and tried to justify it. The difference is I have learned lying gets you no where. It doesn't fix anything  or protect anyone. It just creates more problems then the truth will. Unless you are talking the Underground Railroad or Nazi Germany. Totally different scenarios then most of us will ever be in. I don't tell people what they want to hear. Does it get me in trouble? Oh ya it does. The thing is at least they know where they stand and if they didn't want to know then they shouldn't have asked. Sometimes I try to avoid their questions, but they insist. I am not going to lie. Getting caught in a lie is worse in the long run then telling the truth in the beginning. The fact is this. Most of what I know I know, because I learned the hard way or from someone else who did. I am not the smartest person. If I was I wouldn't have had to learn some of the things  I did. I would have known before hand.We all make mistakes that is how we learn.

Love. This word scares some people and others chase it down like  it is the cure  all. I  kind of fall some where in between these. I am not  scared to love someone. I am not afraid to be loved. I am however afraid of believing someone loves me who doesn't. I don't believe love is the cure all. I  do however believe  it is the greatest gift of all. In so believing  I sometimes chase after it when I should just let it go. The thing is love is a lot like life. It is a lesson in progress. I really don't have any answers about love other than when you should really run. I know when  to run, because I know the signs after being there so often. If only I knew  the signs when I was in the middle of it then I could get out sooner. As for finding the right one? I have no answers on that. I haven't found him. From what I hear and have seen with the people who have it is something really special. It will be that person who stays around even when you act like a lunatic and that you decide to stand by even when they act crazy due to emotions getting in the way. The key is to find the person who doesn't push you over that invisible line and that you don't push over their invisible line.

The point is Life and Love are  both about learning and finding out what is right for you. We all are different and what is right for me won't be right for you. The key is to learn from our mistakes and maybe other people's as well. Then figure out what we want in both Life and Love.

Strength

I keep hearing people talk about strength. I hear them say this person is strong, because they can do this or deal with that.  Rarely do I ever hear anyone say they are strong. It seems like everyone always talks about the strength of others. I am the same way. People say I am a strong person. Friends and family of mine a like are always telling me I am strong. The thing is just like everyone else I don't see it. I have learned not to argue  when people give me such a compliment. This is a recent thing, but something I have learned. To not accept the compliment is like telling a person their opinion isn't valid. So this is what I have to say about strengthe since everyone's opinion is different.

When speaking of strength the idea of muscles and bikers come to mind. Yet there are all kinds of strength. Due to my unique family I have  found that strength is different then what  I use to think it was. My parent's mothers are as different from each other as they could be. My Father's mother was the type of woman most people think of when they think of a strong woman. She was independent, opinionated, and she gave  the impression of being an emotional  rock. To tell the truth I don't remember a lot about her so I can't tell you whether she ever fell apart. I am sure though  that she did. The thing is she died  of  cancer and even when she was sick she never seemed to be weak. Yes, her body became weak and she was so skinney at the end. Yet emotionally she still seemed so strong. Well at least to me she did. I don't think she knew how to give up or how to show that she could break. Always it seemed she could do anything. I know logicially that she had to have had limits to her capabilities, but the only limits I can think of aren't  worth mentioning here.

My other Grandma was an amazing woman.  She was fun, loving, and always thoughtful. Her strength wasn't from being overly independent, overly opinionated, or giving the impression of being a rock. The strength she had was the type I hope I can find within myself. Her strength was the most beautiful and best strength I have ever seen. She was able to see through to a person's soul and see what was really there. Something that so few people are able to do or even try to do. Always, always she knew what to say or do to make you feel special. Was she independent? Yes, she was. Her independence though wasn't the same kind as my father's mother's. The difference was this my father's mother was the type of independent that stands at the front of the line and obviously leads people. Where as my mother's mother she was the type of independent that stood behind you and gently guided you instead of leading you. Both of these strengths are important. Being able to lead people from the fore front is needed in some situations. If you are trying to get people  into battle there needs to be a person in the front of the line making the decisions and enforcing  them. There are also times it is better to guide someone instead of leading them. When dealing with family or people in general it is usually best not to force someone into doing things. Instead it is better to be understanding and guide them the right direction with care. Did both my Grandmother'shave strong opinions? Well yes they did, but the way they expressed them was different. One Grandma was very verbal about her opinions and expressed them in a matter of fact way. Hhhhhmmmm!!!! Sounds kind of like what I have been accused of doing. Wonder why? The other Grandma had her opinions, but had a settle way of expressing them. It is hard to explain the difference in how they did it unless you heard it. Honestly I think I inherited both some how. My mother's  mother wasn't like a rock. I say she wasn't like a rock, because rocks are known for being hard. If there is one word I would never use to describe my Mom's Mom it wouldn't be hard. She may have been dependable and solid, but it was more in a soft comforting way. She was more like the pillow you depend on. You know that pillow you grab when your world is falling apart and you just need to cry and hug something. Hard definintely wasn't a word for my Mom's mom. Not in the least. I never remember seeing her cry or fall apart. Yet there definitely was a soft side that was totally filled with love. No, she wasn't perfect. Granted I never found anything that was inperfect about her in my eyes, but I know we all have our faults. The thing is this strength comes in many ways. We all have strength it is just a matter of finding it.

Recently my sister wrote a paper about me overcoming adversity. It made me cry. Mainly because I use to look up to her so much and now she admires me. For what I am not quite sure. She says it is, because I have found a way to succeed despite everything that has happened. Where she sees strength I see me just surviving. Do I understand why she might take me for being strong? The answer is yes I do. She knows the things I went through and she sees me take it in stride. She has heard me cry and then pull myself together to move on with what I need to do. Is that strength? In a way that is a type of strength. I am sure my sister doesn't see her strengths. She is strong even if she doesn't see it. When I was little she defended me and took care of me. She would protect me and nurture me. I was her practice child.  Both her and my sister that was between us would read me stories. They would try to stop me from doing things that might allow me to get hurt. Granted that was a bigger job then you might think. I had a tendency to think I was capable to do anything. Such as swim out to the deep end of the Lake even though I didn't know how to swim. We all have our own strengths. Sometimes we just have to believe in that strength enough to use it.

Married/Old. Why?

Just like any girl I like to have someone notice me. It isn't a matter of the age of the guy as long as it is done respectfully. The problem I do have and I know other women have a problem with is married guys making passes at them. It is one thing to compliment a woman it is another thing to be disrespectful to your spouse. Another thing that just irritates me is the older guy who is creepily staring at a younger woman and acting all wacked out when  trying to get the girls attention. I don't mind an older guy asking me out or giving me a compliment as long as it is done respectfully. I get it old men need love to, but acting creepy and perverse isn't the way to get it.

So here are my thoughts about married men or women making passes at other people. It is rude and disrespectful to your partner. The worst part is most of those same people would get mad if their spouse did the same thing. What is up with that? Also when a guy makes a pass at me and I know or find out he is married it is an insult to me. That is saying you think I am trashy enough that I would sleep with someone else's man. I have more respect for myself and for other human beings then to do that knowingly. Another thing about it is that most of them aren't even sneaky about it. Which now adds to the insult to their spouse. Now you aren't just saying that they aren't good enough for you to love them  and only them now you are saying they are to stupid to find out what you are doing. Honestly this day and age if you want to cheat and do it smart it is easier then any other time. There are services such as Ashley Madison that will set you up with other people who want the same thing and they will help prevent you from getting caught. I don't agree with these services, but at least you won't be insulting me with your advances if you go that way. Honestly why get married if you can't handle the commitment that goes with it. Just remain single if that is what you want. If you got married and found out you couldn't be faithful then do that person a favor and get a divorce or have an open marriage. Just leave me out of the equation please. 

As for the creepy old men. Like I said I have no problem with an older man noticing me. It actually is a high compliment in my opinion when given in an appropriate manner. Yet when a guy is creepily staring at me  and it doesn't matter his age it just makes me wonder if he is planning on kidnapping me and killing me. Sorry that is the thought that crosses my mind. Also if the guy seems to be obsessed enough to move closer to me for no reason and even worse follow me some when I try to move away. Even creepier. Please guys do yourself and us  women a favor. Don't stare. Look at us fine,but look a way at times. If you want to talk to us don't follow us just wait for an oppertunity to come up or come introduce yourself. Even if we aren't interested at least we won't be wondering if you are planning our demise. Seriously I think this probably could go for some women as well, but not being a guy I am not sure if women do this. I have had friends who came close to such actions and I wondered about their sanity.  It is alright to go to a place you saw someone in hopesto see them and talk to them. Again though it is not alright to follow them if they move away from you or to stare none stop at them. Talk to them or take glances at them that is fine. Staring is a little creepy when you don't know someone and  so is being followed.

The reason I bring this up is I have found several things to be very consistant in my life. One is married guys or guys in relationships seem to think I will be interested in them or will look past their relationship. This was true even when I was a virgin. I am not sure why and if anyone could please shed some light on it for me I would appreciate it. The other is older men seem to be obsessed with me. Like I said I find it a compliment if an older man compliments me appropriately. Then again I take it as a  compliment if a woman asks me out even though I am straight. It is a matter  of the delivery and the way they accept my reaction to it that makes a difference. So why do I always get the creepy old guys and the married/in a relationship guys who want to hit on me? Why is it I rarely get a single guy, who has a job, wants a committed relationship with  a possiblility of marriage and family that is close to my age? Am I  doing something  wrong or is that just my lot in life?  I have had this problem a really long time. Is it I am in the wrong places and if so where  should I go? I really would like to understand this. I believe I am a nice person, with a good job, who believes in God, is committed to her relationships when she is in one, and I believe I am fairly good looking. So what is the deal?  I see people who have less then these things married and happy. Yet I have a hard  time finding a good man. I am not the only female that has this problem and even some of the men I know have this problem as well. I  am not saying I haven't had a few nice guys make passes at me. I have. The problem  is the only ones I  have known recently either wanted to play while they decided what they wanted. Which doesn't work for me. If you want to date other people then don't sleep with me, be honest about it, and you can do what you want. If you want to sleep with me and have me stick around then there better not be anyone else. I don't work that way. Sex isn't just sex for me. It is something special that should be earned not given. It should be something between two people not more then two. That is what it is for me. I am fine with if others feel different for them, but that isn't me. The other guys  were  ones that their personality and mine wouldn't have meshed  well. The point  is I wish people who are in a relationhip  would be faithful and creepy guys would stop being so creepy. I wish the decent guys who are single would show an interest in me and  that people would realize sex is great, but there are things in a relationship that are better and  will  last longer.  That thing is called love and love isn't based on sex. It  is based on something  way deeper. It  is that look and feeling that never fades. If you don't believe me then ask anyone who met my Mother's parents. They will tell you that look never faded in their eyes. Never not even after 60 some odd years.

People Come.Some Stay. People Go. Some Return.

Well I was just thinking today how many people have passed through my life.  This is  a thought that has crossed my mind many times  from the time I was little to the present.

I moved a lot when I was younger  which lead to me seeing and sometimes meeting  various different people. This isn't to say that through out those times I had a lot of friends, but I did have a lot of chances to observe all kinds of people.

Today as with many other days I was thinking about the people who actually touched my life. There have been many people who have passed through my life, but only a small handle full has actually remained in my memories.

The first person that I remember was a boy from the first place I moved to. I wish I remembered his name, but he was in the kindergarten class with me in that first town I moved to. He was the first person in that school to speak to me. It was funny, because it was when he was introducing himself to me that I got in trouble for the first time. I was devistated. I know every kid gets in trouble for talking in class, but I had never been one of them before then. Well despite that rocky beginning we became friends and up for until I moved the next year we were friends. I remember that at one point he was dating a friend of mine.Yes, we were in first grade at the time, but it was that cute little kid dating. You know where you say you are boyfriend and girlfriend, but all you do is hold hands.That and the girl tells the boy what to do. I remember even  at that age I thought it was weird to see a boy do something a girl told him to do.

The next person I remember is the school bus monitor on the Kindergarten bus in that same town. He was a great guy. When I got in trouble for the first time in school I remember I was all upset on my way home and he saw me. He sat down asked me what was wrong. When I told him I got in trouble for talking he laughed at me and told me everyone gets in trouble for talking at some point. He was one of those guys who knew how to cheer a kid up even when they are really upset. I was really sad the next year when I had to ride the Grade School bus and he wasn't there any more.

Then  there were these two girls in Caldwell area who use to talk to me. They were really sweet. Unfortunately, I can't remember their names either. What I do remember is they were best friends who took me in under their wings. Both of their parents were divorced and I remember thinking how sad it was since they were the first kids I knew with divorced parents. At that point I probably was around oh I don't know first or second grade.I don't know. It just was nice to have people who wanted to be my friends. They also were the first people to have  ever defended me outside of my two sisters who were just older then me.

I believe the next person in my life was from my short time living on Mt. View in Ashland. She was a girl I met my first day coming home from school. That day I got lost once the bus let me off at my stop. The problem was this.The bus let off at the end of the road and my Grandfather had a forest he planted above his house which blocked my view of their house from  the main road. Since I had spent my summers  visiting them and walking the area with my Grandparents I thought I would be fine finding my way home. What happened instead is I paniced and got scared. I wasn't sure I got off at the right stop or even if I was heading the right direction. Luckily God was watching out for me and most people in the area new my Grandparents. As I was walking, hoping, and trying to figure out if I was heading the right direction a car with a lady and her daughter pulled up. They noticed I looked lost and offered me a ride. Being the good child I was I said no. She then asked if I was lost. Of  course I said I wasn't sure. Then the questions went on with where do  you live and I answered "With my Grandparents". Whom she asked were and I responded with their names. Of course she recognized their names and told me she was a friend of theirs so she  could give me a ride. Again I denied the ride since I didn't know if she was telling the truth. Eventually she had her daughter get out and walk me home. Not long after I got home the phone rang and she told my Grandmother how proud they should be of me since I wouldn't accept a ride from a stranger. Once my Grandmother got off the phone she made  me a special treat as a reward. Then my Grandmother made it a point to take me to their house to have me thank them. After that she became a really good friend of mine. It turned out she was my age, but went to a private school. We had lots of fun playing together during that time. I loved going to her house.They had goats, chickens, roosters, horses, and she had more My Little Ponies then I have ever seen other than in the store. My favorite memory was when her pet goat was giving birth and her parents had to help the goat. Plus one of the roosters was her pet rooster. Which to me a tame pet rooster was  just about as cool as you could get.

Once I moved to Wyoming for the first time I ended up making a friend who was a year or two a head of me named Jenny. I wish I could remember her last name. If I could I would search for her on the internet to see if I could find her. Out of all my pre-Oregon friends she was my favorite. Jenny and I met on the bus one day when I needed a seat. She offered to share hers and we started talking. Later when we changed trailer parks my family moved trailer parks we ended up moving into the same one she lived in. At some point we ended up going to each others houses a lot. Most of the time I was at her house since she had more room to play. She was  one of the best friends I ever had. It didn't matter what her friends had to say about me she stood by me.  I remember one of her friends came to her house and found out she was friends with me and started talking  trash. Jenny just told her if she couldn't be nice then she didn't want to be friends with her and told her friend to go home. Then  there was the time this one girl was making fun of me and started picking on Jenny. She never stood down. Not even when the girl pushed her. I on the other hand was afraid and still regret to this day that I  didn't stand up forJenny the way she did me. During the time I lived there Jenny and I played together a lot. She was the first person I ever met with a pet skunk and at one point she actually had two of them. I remember she use to joke around about how her house was like  the Noah's Ark, because she had two of every animal she had. There were two dogs, two skunks, two birds,and two rabbits. I don't remember if she had any cats, but I remember she wanted to be a vet. Then right about the time I was getting ready to move her family was moving back to California. Her father and brother were  coming back from Alaska and  they were all moving to California. I stayed in touch with her for  about a year before I lost touch with her during my move to Oregon.  If only I knew how to find her. Then I would have found all the people I wanted back in  my life.

While I was in  Utah I had a  few friends. There was Reeses Pieces (his real name  was Reese, but everyone called him Reeses Pieces). I had a crush on his foster brother Vihn who  was from Vietnam. There was a girl who I knew there who was a definiate Tom Boy,  but she wanted to be a fashion designer.  She use to take her clothes a part and put them back together in new ways. I remember being fascinated by this and the fact that she loved my shaggy hairdo that was caused by my parent's and my disagreement about me getting my haircut. She was also the first friend of mine who had a pet snake. I remember her sneaking her Garden Snake into school. I really wonder whatever happened to her.  She was so interesting. There was also the boy who use to walk me home from school who once offered to buy me a bracelet. Oh and made the mistake of coming  up from behind me on a dare from his friends. They were walking behind me and told him to throw his arms around me. So he did and almost got kicked  in  the balls. It was so funny, because he jumped back and yelled "Do you know where you almost kicked me?". My response was "No, but you deserved it". After that he never walked home with the boys he always walked home with me instead.  I think if I had stayed at either of the schools I went to in  Utah I would have been fine, but especially that first school. Yet we only stayed  there for a year and then my parents decided to move to the Oregon Coast.

During my move to the Oregon Coast I met this really wonderful girl who was blind.I remember the first day I met her. My sister who was  at the time into doing plastic canvas and  knitting was sitting outside when a boy told his sister to go talk to her. She watched as they talked and then the girl that was about my age walked over to her. They talked for a while when my sister decided to come inside the bus  (at that time I was living in an old school bus my dad had started converting into a mobile home. Long story) to tell me she found me a friend. I came outsid and was introduced to her. Granted I only knew her for a short time,but it felt like I knew her longer. We had so much fun. She showed me her brail books and told me about what it was like to be blind. We played and  talked about all kinds of things. If I only had more time with her I know we would have become best of friends. Unfortunately, we didn't have an address at the time and they had to go home eventually since their summer vacation was coming to an end. This was a short friendship, but one that touched me deeply.

Once my family landed in a place in Oregon it took me a while to start making friends. The first place we landed I didn't  really make any friends.  Then when we moved to a more permanent place I met a really nice girl on the bus who started talking to me and she introduced me to a boy that was a friend of hers.While on the bus the three of us became really good friends. At one point after I moved I lost touch with both of these friends, but earlier this year I reconnected with the girl. She is now an artist that is working on  becoming known.  Her artwork is wonderful  and if you ever get a chance to go to Eugene, Or look for Meisha's work.  I know you will be moved and will want to buy one of her many pieces of work. She does all kinds of art in many different types of media.

It  is  in my final resting  area of Oregon that I also found  several of  my best friends. One is a friend who saw me in gym class and insisted I walk with her and her friend. This friend of mine I have lost touch with several times and yet she still has a habit of finding me any way.  Hee hee. Then  there is my friend who was pregnant  when I met  her and taught me about a lot of different stuff. Including how yummy french fries taste dipped in chocolate. LOL. The  best thing she taught me is how nice people can be even if they have had a really hard life. During my time on the Coast I also met my good friend Jamie. She is the one who got me to start dating and pulled me out of my shell. What happened was we kept getting stuck together in  Health and Gym so she decided to invite me to her house to get to know me better. After that we became best friends. I also lost touch with her at some point. This was after High School and we both had a lot of chaos in our lives. I also lost touch with her and with in this year found her as well. Then there is my bestest friend of all time. How we got to know each other is weird and a long story. Lets just leave it as she at first didn't like me, but due to things that happened she ended up giving me a chance. Lets call it fate or God intervening. Either  way I am glad we became friends. She has always been there and has been a rock  for me when I needed one the most. Granted even all the awesomeness I had in Oregon had to come to an end. Eventually I had to move.

This lead me back to Wyoming. Uuuugggghhh! The same town I had been in before. Well at least this time was better then the last. During that time I made friends with someone who I still am friends with despite some of the rocky times we have had  in the last few years. I have that time period to thank for having my beautiful Goddaughter and her sister in my life. Had I not moved back I would have never met their mother and so I would have never known them. I lived there for a little while then moved to Washington and then moved back. While I was in  Washington I did make a  friend though her name was Lisa. Lisa was a good  friend. After moving back to Wyoming I stayed there for a year and then moved to Arizona.

I met to many people here to name. Lets just go with I made a lot of great friends here both at school and after.

The whole point of this post is to show that I have met a lot of great people throughout my life. It was to remember them and maybe help you think about those people you have met along your path. Whether they are still a part of your life, you lost touch, or you recently have found them I think it is important to take time to remember them. These are the people who helped shape us and were there when we needed someone. They are the ones that remind us of the good times and that there is good in people still. There are a lot of people I didn't mention in here.I just went over the highlights of some of the ones who played a large part in my life. There were a lot more I remember and miss.

Best Hot Chocolate Recipe I Have Found Yet

Alright in  the spirit of the cold weather and the Season I am posting my favorite Hot Chocolate Recipe.

White-Hot Hot Chocolate

3 1/4 cup Milk
6 oz white chocolate (I prefer Ghardellis)
1 egg, beaten
1/4 tsp Cayenne Pepper
1/2  tsp Ground Cinnamon
Raspberry Liquor. Chambord or  De Amore
Whipping Cream
Sugar
Vanilla Extract
Cinnamon  Stick

1. Place the white chocolate in a  medium metal bowl over a  pan of barely simmeringwater, or in the  top half of a double boiler. Allow the chocolate to melt, stirring occasionallyuntil smooth. Stir incayenne pepper and cinnamon.Whisk  in the egg until smooth.

2.  Gradually whisk in  one  cup ofthe milk until completely incorporated. Gradually whisk in the remaining milk,and heat until hot, but  not simmering. You do not want a skin to form on top  of the milk. It will be ready to drink when either the taste of the cayenne is masked by the temperature of the milk (the spiciness of the pepper will remain),or when  the hot chocolate is at your desired temperature. Ladle the  hot chocolate into mugs.

3. Put whipping cream, sugar, and vanilla to taste  in either stand mixer bowl or large bowl. Mix  on high for until it reaches  the  proper thickness.

4. Pour just enough raspberry liquor into cup to taste mix and add whipped cream on top.Then add cinnamon  stick for garnish. You can  also sprinkle a little cinnamon on  top.

I love this hot chocolate. It has a wonderful flavor and a slight bite at the end. Yummy!!!

Arts, Crafts, Wine. Who could want more?

Ok. Today I am not posting anything serious or enlightening. Well at least I don't think I will, but who knows. I just want to post something about what I am feeling right now.

I went to the Arts and Crafts Fair on Mill Ave. If you don't live in Arizona Mill Ave is the main place near ASU and most events in Tempe happen there. Granted it isn't as happening of a place for shopping as it use to be, but it is still the main place for events.

So I just have to say I am a total sucker for Art, Crafts, food, Wine, and basicly anything that takes talent to do. Even watching welders work on building a building is fascinating to me. Which means any time I find a Festival or Arts and Crafts Fair near me I want to go see what talent there is in the world. It is just who I am. This lead me to ditching my ATS Belly Dancing class tonight to go check this out. Granted I didn't make it very far through it. I didn't even make it half way, but seeing the items people created. Tasting the unique different wines that people created was just so. . . . . . . . . . .  What is the wording I am looking for here? Inspiring, Life energizing. There is just nothing like seeing people take pride in what they do and seeing their inner inspiration come to life. Photographs, Jewelry, Food, Drinks, Paintings. Whatever it may be it is just so fascinating and wonderful to me. If I had the money I would buy at least one item from every inspiring, amazing person I met. This isn't to say I would buy something from every person who calls themselves an artist. What I am saying is if the person had real talent I would definitely support them by buying one of their pieces I loved.

There was a woman who made wire crocheted pieces of art. I mean the jewelry she crocheted was beautiful. It was a complete inspiration to do something I have thought about, but have yet to do. The necklaces were of flowers made with wires the color of the flowers, the leaves were green, and they were phenomenal. She had purses made with wire, shirts, and vests. The wire she used wasn't the normal wire. It was the electrical thin colored wire they use to use for technology and electrical stuff. So it was sort of soft and plyable along with having the durability of wire. It also held the color better than the craft wire she said. Also it holds its shape better than the yarn or string would. I am so now going to start looking for said wire to work with. I am not sure where I will find it, but I am inspired more than I was previously to do wire crochet. Which I have wanted to do since I was around 19 or 20 years old, but I could never find the type of wire I thought would work best for it.

Then there were these artists. Oh my word. This one artist work was just amazing. I am not sure if the artist was a female or male so I will try to just call this one the artist. There was this one piece of a girl that reminded me of an almost a twisted, beautiful Alice in Wonderland. I wish I had a pic of it to show you as well as with the crochet. Maybe if I go back I will try to see if they will let me take pictures.

There was beautiful jewelry. Including a lady who was very nice that made her own glass lampwork beads. They were beautiful. There were several pieces of her work I would love to have bought to add to my jewelry collection.

There were photographers with amazing pictures. I wish I had more time to travel and look for those oppertunities. I so need to take some photography classes to learn how to take better pictures. If I knew how to improve my photos I think I might have a chance do better chance at getting some of them published.

Then there were the wineries. I never knew how amazing Arizona's wineries were. I haven't ever ran into such diverse and amazing flavors. The distinct flavors that stood out on there own. One of the wines had a very distinct Apricot flavor to it that stood out and was amazing. Another one had a wonderful fruity flavor with a smooth buttery after flavor that was similar to the type you get from a hot buttered rum. It was amazing. Then there was a winery that is based out of Scottsdale and their chocolat infused wine is phenomenal. I tried it and I was in love. Then there is this winery named Pillsbury that has a unique wine called Diva. Let me tell you if you want a unique tasting wine that stands on its own this is the one. It is a red wine with a good spicy flavor, smooth, and a slight leathery flavor that would be perfect with a good spicy type ranch food. If I was going to put this wine in a human body it would be a ranch girl that is soft and supple with a few rough edges around her that makes her just a little wild. Oh and Carlson Creek wines are unique as well. The wine I had there was a dry wine, but it had a good fruity yet herbal type flavor that I found refreshing in its uniqueness. If I hadn't gone to this fair I wouldn't have ever known how wonderful Arizona wines could be.

If you get the chance take some time this weekend and go check out the Arts and Crafts Fair. If you don't live here then I suggest if you come to visit Arizona check out some of their wineries. Finding out that I can find such unique and diverse wines in my state makes me so exstatic. I live for unique new flavors and ideas.

Does anyone really ever know another person?

The question in the title is one that I know I have wondered many times and lately I have realized I am not the only person who wonders that. People may know the facts about someone or even certain events that occured. They may even know how the person felt when things happened or the decision they think the person might make in certain situations. The thing is what really defines if someone knows another person?

There isn't any person I can think of who knows everything about me. Sometimes I wonder if I do even. So back to what constitutes as a person knowing someone. Is it knowing a person's favorite color? Where they were born? Is it knowing what they would do in a certain situation or knowing what their beliefs are? Is it something deeper? Is it a connection that surpasses all of these things?

Honestly I can't tell you what it means to really know someone. There are people I have met and some I have become good friends with. Yet depending on what your definition is of knowing someone is on whether I really know anyone. If your definition is knowing the facts and little details about a person then I would say I don't really know anyone. I would also say that there isn't a person who knows me. Then again if you say knowing someone is a deeper thing something like a connection that allows you to know the person's inner soul. Then I would say there are a few people who know me and there are a few I know.

I will admit I don't know most people's favorite color or where they were born. I am also not good with knowing a lot of the finer details of people's lives. Granted I know stories about every person in my life and I do care about those details. The thing is knowing everything about a person is impossible. You can know the facts and maybe some of the stories of their life, but knowing everything isn't a possibility. The people I feel I know are the ones that I feel comfortable with. The ones I feel I know are the ones that I can share anything with and not worry about being persecuted. They are the people who I know I can trust. The ones who will be there no matter what.

When it comes to the people who know me are the people who know the person I am. They may or may not know my past or what is happening right now in my life, but they know I am a good person. They know that I am not always strong. They are the ones that are always there for me.

Would it be nice to have someone who knew everything I have been through? Yes, it would. The fact of the matter is this. There isn't one single person who knows everything I have been through. There are several people who know pieces of my life. Honestly my sister Ginger and maybe my sister Sandy knows the most about the things that have happened. Mainly due to growing up with me and being the ones that were there most of the time. Even they don't know everything though. My best friend would be the next person who knows the most about me. She may not know all the things that happened before we met or even all the things that occurred after I moved. Yet she knows a lot of the things I have been through. Neither my sister Ginger nor my best friend have ever given up on me or let me disappear. That means a lot to me. It wasn't easy for either of them to stay in touch with me. Probably it was easier for my sister than Marie, but the fact is this they both made an effort to stay in touch with me. Even the times I wanted to disappear they didn't let me. They were there the whole time. That is a great feeling to know someone cares that much.

I hope everyone has someone that knows them on that deeper level. Oh and if you want people to know your story there is only one way to have them know. Tell them. If they care about you. Really care they will listen and even better they will want to know.