Family

The holidays always reminds me of all the things I have missed as an adult. During those times I get to hear about how people are spending their holidays with their family. I get asked questions like are you spending it with your parents? Or Are you going home for the holidays? People tell me how sad they are that they can't be home with their family. These things remind me of the  things I lost at a young age.

When I was really little (long before my parents started moving) my family spent the holidays with my Grandparents. We would go to my Dad's parent's house and we would have a special night. Then us children were sent to bed and after my parents and grandparents thought all of us were asleep they would fill our stockings and put the presents out. Since my sisters and I slept on the couch bed under the stockings (along with having insomnia at a young age) I use to pretend to be asleep. I would listen to them talk and barely crack my eyes to watch them. Yes, at a young age I learned how to be sneaky. LOL. Then when I was around 6 years old my father took a job that required him to move, alot. Not long before we made our first move my Dad's Mom got sick and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I will never say my family was normal or perfect, but after all this my life that seemed normal and perfect was flipped upside down. The Christmases that were sweet and exciting changed. There was no more of my parents trying to sneek around and putting presents out. My last Christmas at my Grandma's was spent with her in a  hospital bed in the living room watching us unwrap our presents. That Christmas had lost alot of the magic that the others had and yet it was the last Christmas I remember my parents trying to make it extra special.

Please understand my parents tried to make Christmas special, but that extra part was gone. After that Christmas there were many times of me picking out my present or me wrapping my presents. The mention of Santa was no longer a magical story they told. Yet even without that extra something and without that magical aspect the holidays were still special. They were special for one reason alone. I was with my parents and siblings. We were all together. As time went on my brother went into the Navy, my oldest sister started her life, my middle sister started a life of her own, and my sister who was right before me went into Job Corpand eventually went her own way as well. Even with everyone going their seperate ways every holiday spent with any number of us was special. If only I would have known a day would come that the idea of us all being together would be gone then maybe I would have tried harder to remember those holidays.

You see my family has only been together once for one afternoon since I was in 4th Grade. That one time was several years ago and it almost didn't happen. Several members of my family didn't want to come. I will never understand why and sadly I don't care any more why they didn't want to be there. Unfortuneately, I have come to the conclusion I  can't make them love me or want to be a part of my life no matter how hard I try. All I can do is be there for when they decide they want to. Pray that some day they wake up and realize what they are missing by avoiding their family. Whatever I did to them I don't know what it was and they won't tell me. I tried brooching the subject with one of them once so I could try to make amends. Instead of discussing it with me she hung up on me and called our parents to tell them how mean I was. It broke my heart that she wouldn't talk to me. It broke my heart all the things she kept telling people about me. She broke my heart when she would refuse to talk to me. When I could hear her in the background saying she didn't want to talk to me. All I ever wanted was a family who would fight and make up. A family who would put their issues aside and spend the holidays together. A family who loved each other. I almost feel like my family is cursed.

The reason I say I feel my family is cursed is, because I don't know much about my father's side of the family. Most of them never were around when I was growing up. My Mother's side seemed to have some issues between some of the siblings. Not sure what the issue was, but I think what my parents told me wasn't the truth. I think my parents and several of my Mom's siblings did the same thing as what is happening with my siblings. I think my Mom started believing that the adopted children didn't like the biological children and I think the adopted children didn't like my dad or my Uncle David's wife. Which honestly I really can't blame them much. So I think misunderstandings happened. Instead of talking it out they just let the ideas grow and eventually there was a wall built between the family. Which unfortunately seems to be happening now in my family. Yet when I try to tear down that wall it just seems to make it worse. If only I knew how to fix that wall. Obviously talking to my sisters who have an issue with me just makes it worse. So how do you fix a problem when any form of talking makes it worse? I have tried calling and talking about anything other then our relationship. Anything other than family except when they bring it up. I have tried talking about what they have done that hurts me. I have tried joking with them when they start it and it all turns into I am mean and horrible. The only thing that seems to work is me not having anything to do with them at all. Which seems to work pretty well at keeping me out of trouble with them, but doesn't give me the one thing I want. . . . . .. . . . Family.

I am not looking for pity or sympathy from anyone. I don't want anyone to be angry with me or tell me how sorry they are for me. I am telling you this for in case you are the stubborn one who is angry at family or you are the one who feels alone on the holidays due to family members refusing to be together. If you are the one who is mad at family members and are the one who avoids talking to them or being around them then please try to make amends. I don't care what the problem is (well ok if they molested you or raped you I get it, but with in reason) then please let it go. I am not saying they have to be a daily part of your life, but other then the above mentioned things what is so bad that you can't afford a phone call or letter on occasion. What is so bad that you can't spare a few days out of the year to spend with them. We are only given one family in our lives. There are only a select people who grew up with us and knew us when we were small. Only those few who have the same genetics and family features or that share the love of some of the same people. I don't care if you were adopted into your family or born into that family the point is this. If you can see your family. If you have a way to contact your family. If your family is still alive then make that effort. You can't replace those people. No matter how hard you try you can't replace your brothers, your sisters, your parents, your grandparents, your Aunts, your Uncles, your cousins, your nieces, or your nephews. We all have a limited time on this planet. If we waste it fighting with those we love then we have wasted the gift we were given. I have no choice in whether I get to see all my family together again or not, but maybe you do. If you have the choice please don't waste that time. Please make the time and put whatever your issues are aside. Take it from someone who wants a family more then anything. If you have that option you are blessed by one of the greatest gifts ever. Cherish it and at  least try to give it a chance once or twice a year. I would do anything to try to make that happen if I could. I would even go to a state I hate and deal with snow if I thought there was a chance my family would get together to celebrate.